More sores, more pains. The radiotherapy was supposed to last for half a year or so, but it's only been three months, and mum is feeling the pains returning, and feeling her motor skills in her arm are getting weaker.
She went to the doctor today, and the latest
blood analysis revealed an elevated CEA, which means the cancer cell count is increased.
More scans are scheduled, and an appointment with the neurosurgeon is necessary.
Another treatment using chemotherapy may be due. So soon after it just stopped... So soon!
And perhaps, at a date unknown, surgery is essential to prevent the tumour in the spine area from compressing further on her nerves, which may eventually lead to paralysis.
She sounded calm and collected, though I am not sure how she is really feeling. Frightened? Fearful? Resigned? Hopeless? Tormented by her illness and by the encroaching uncertainties of more and more treatments and a painful death?
My heart cries for her... my heart feels for her, and yet there is so very little I can do.
She kept on reasurring me, telling me not to worry, to focus on my life and making something out of it. I asked her how she felt. "I am used to it," she said
How can anyone be used to all that waiting? All the uncertainties of what will happen to your body? How can she be so calm, and keep on reassuring me not to get too worried, and to brave it all alone?
Looks like my life may be undergoing yet another unpredictable spin. She told me to stay put, not to worry about her, no matter what. "Come back in January, just for the new year and for dad's commermoration. Don't come back for me..."
But how can I just sit here if something major happens to her, like a life-changing surgery or a turn for the worst?
Disjointed, confused, and my god, am I cracking up deep down inside. How much more can I take? How much can my heart wrench and cry and shudder in fear?
Cracking up once more, and this time with just my own arms and strength to hold onto.
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