The morning after

I tried to pull away, to distance myself when he probed into my life, probed onto my mum's condition. I felt so  uncomfortable sharing intimate details and my problems with him now.

I know he cares about me deeply, as he always has. It's a care that  his love and our short lived relationship. But something inside just told me to withdraw, to back off and to erect barriers. I don't want him to be so concerned about me anymore. How is he supposed to move on and be with someone else, which is what he'd like, when he is so concerned about my life and wellbeing? How am I supposed to move on and let him go when I can't stand up ad deal with my own problems myself?

He started to tear when I slowly, but not in too much detail revealed mum's state of health. I was numb, not sad, not upset, and kept on saying to him I'm fine, I'll be fine. But for some reason he cried...

Was it for me, or for the fact that I was pushing him away after our intimate love making the night before?

We talked more in bed, a comfortable yet dangerous place, for it soon drew us in to yet another  indulgence of our bodies and our (overly high?) sex drives.

The questions, doubts and discomfort of being around him are still there. I don't know how he feels about it, but as much as I'd like to be close to him, I also want to get away, to get some distance- which proves difficult when we sleep next to each other.

The rest of the day, we spent talking and resting in one another's arms and embrace, drowning in the warmth and comfort we have always managed to provide for one another. And we took a long walk together, laughing, chatting, joking. It was beautiful, really was and reminded me somehow of a fresh beginning, like we were in those days of just being best of friends who love each other's company so much.

But deep down inside, I can't speak for him, at least for me, there is a little distance. In these strange circumstances we find ourselves in, in a situation where he is having strong feelings for someone else and where I am still having lingering feelings for him, there has to be more distance.  We cannot sustain this, we cannot always tread so closely between beings friends and make-believe lovers without either one or both of us being hurt.