Why...?

Crying alone at the office. Nobody can see these tears... nobody can hear my howls and my sobbing...
For a moment, I feel so alone in the world, and the pain is unbearable, inconsolable.

The last half an hour or so I have been listening to my brother venting about mum and her behaviour while she was in Europe recently. He looked so upset, criticising mum in long tirade. She was never home, he complained, she was being difficult when it comes to cooking and eating, she just disappeared and hardly interacted with them. She was unfair and difficult to please. Whatever was done was not good enough or did not satisfy her...

I was quiet, and only tried to tell him that it is all in the past. "Please don't think about it too much, don't get upset. It is all a misunderstanding..." I told him mum is not well, and went into how she may need surgery, because none of the treatments she has been receiving has worked to reduce her tumour. I told him to try to imagine her fears, her feelings of being confronted with loneliness and illness, and death. "Just try imagine what she is going through... Try," I said.

When the conversation ended, I burst out in tears.
I could not control myself.

Why....?

Why so much anger?

Why so much misunderstanding?

As painful and sad as it is, I could feel the bitterness, the strong resentment towards mum. I know mum  can be difficult, but she is not well, she is our mother. Of course she can be wrong, of course she can do wrong and say the wrong things, and I am not trying to defend her or what happened, because I don't know exactly what happened. But it hurts to see brother's anger and lack of compassion or understanding for her condition and her health.

I am crying still... there is such pain inside I am not sure how to express them. My first instinct is to call my friend, to talk, to cry. But I can't do that any more. I can't always keep on running to him in times of need. We are past that. I need some other way of venting, of letting go of my frustrations.

And now, crying, and writing, is the only way I know how...