Countdown

I find myself counting down the days and moments till I leave here...
Again, I am feeling pressure of living with my brother--something which I escaped from four years ago when I made the move to Canada. The poor attitude, the grumblings, the commanding tone and playing boss. I cannot stand it. I cannot tolerate it. So I react with irritation in my tone. Or I simply do not react at all.

The other day, I spoke to the priest (who can communicate with the dead), and out of nowhere he said my mum had something she wanted to tell me. "Tolerate your brother... Bear with it..." How painful it is to hear from mum from beyond the grave and to know that she is still thinking of me, worrying about me. There are moments when I feel like shouting back, hitting back at my brother and saying: "Who gave you the right to be so bossy toward me?! Even our mother never treated me this way!"
It adds to my grief, accentuates the pain and emptiness I feel deep down inside... It is sad that my own brother, the only person left in my family, treats me like crap and makes me feel so unwanted here...

Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer. If I think of things another way, I will feel better. Maybe this is my brother level of communication... maybe this is just the way he is, bossy, commanding and temperamental. In a way, it is sad that he cannot talk without getting upset and getting frustrated at everything and everyone. Maybe deep down there is a lot of anger and frustration that he cannot find a way to vent...

Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer.