Close, but not close enough

This was first published on Mar 16 2006 under my profile on Mogenic.com

I was out with a cousin last night, and almost 'came out'. Well, if it weren't for her reaction as I　'tested the waters', I would have come out.

My cousin and I are close, and she is quite modern and open minded, at least about most things I thought.
We were just walking, browsing stores, my cousin then said that at her nursing college she has a couple of friends who are lesbian. Taking the opportunity while we were on the subject I asked her what she thought about them. She didn't mind them, and didn't even fear them coming onto to her.

Then I probed further, seeing a chance to tell at least someone else in the family (even if not close family). I asked whether there are gay boys in her school. There are boys who are 'feminine' or 'sissy like', she said, but whether they are gay or not is uncertain. There's even one who's been injecting hormones, and is supposedly doing escort service after school hours. (Boy, where have I been all these years?)

Then she suddenly added that finds it 'strange' that boys can be together. Surprised, I reminded her that she just said about lesbians being alright. She answered that it's more acceptible it seems for girls to be with girls, but for boys it's just 'strange'. Even more strange that gay men are allowed to get married in some places, she added.

I went to great lenghts to explain to her that homosexuality is just a feeling, just a preference which happens to be the same sex, and that it's nothing unnatural, as she suggested. She didn't say much, and at one point asked why I suddenly became so 'interested' in the topic.

By that time I had 'tested the water' enough to know that now (or ever) is not the best time to tell her about me. Perhaps I was too cautious...perhaps she would have reacted differently if I said I'm gay, since I am a close confidant and cousin of hers. But then again, I thought differently too about what she would think.

Shame...I felt I was so close! So close to opening up and being able to talk to someone finally. Ah, the anxiety, and then disappointment straight after (pun not intended).

And something else I discovered too: my cousin, 20, did not know that Brokeback Mountain is about the love story of two gays.
*sigh* some youths these days :P