Stray path?

This was first published on Mar 17 2006 under my profile on Mogenic.com

Was out with mum for dinner, some three days before I leave. A classy restaurant on a hill, soft music, view overlooking mountains and the rivermouth, and slight evening breeze and good food. Almost romantic, were it not for the company!

We talked about this and that, the pre-departure mother-son talk. I listened most of the time, but inside I somehow felt like telling mum my 'secret'. Perhaps it was the atmosphere, the whole heart-to-heart-ness of it all, or perhaps it was the fact that I will be gone in less than 72 hours.

I sat listening, but looked into the distance and was silent. I waited for an opportunity, like in the past, to make the 'revelation' less akward. And it came when mum said:
"You know, when fate should be so lucky, when the time is right, you should really think of finding someone to be with."

Of course she meant 'girlfriend'. Inside I struggled between hesitation to talk and the urge to say that I have already had people to be with, but not the 'kind' she expected. In the end I opted bluntness which would not skirt around the issue.
"Hm, I don't think you should harbour hopes of me ever getting married and having children. You have my elder brother for that. But not me."

Mum sort of believes in fortunetelling, and she began again telling me what so many fortunetellers have predicted. She said that I should beware of 'difficulties' in my love life, and that there is a danger I may go down the 'stray path', be involved in relationships that are not 'normal'. She was probably afraid to say it, but in the end she did whisper it
"You know...I don't want your life to be complicated by it...g-a-y."

I answered her rhetorically what 'stray path' and 'normal' meant. If I am happy with who I am, if I feel free and like to do what I do, what is wrong with that? I am who I am, that is the nature of things, so who am I to change it? I told her that many relatives and friends have asked me why I don't have a girlfriend, and added: "Any intelligent person would be able to figure out why."

So that was it. She was not shocked or sad (or so it seemed), but briefly smiled at me. Eventually she said:
"If that's the way it is, then so be it."
I guess it was a tacit way of saying that she's alright with who/what I am. Or was she hurting inside? I guess, as motherly instincts and intelligence may put together, she already suspected it, and tonight's episode was more a subtle conformation than revelation.

We continued about other things, and didn't touch on the topic again. But I felt relieved, and really was.
I expected I would need to make a great big speech, defend myself or that perhaps she would burst out in anger or tears. Instead she was calm, understanding, and seemingly supportive.

And I too am now calmer.