Traveling to the "Middle Land" with mum in my backpack...
Traveling home to pay respects to my late mother...
Taking the law exams that would eventually lead to the bar...
And now, a journey through the Rockies to retrace footsteps I have taken with mum, and soon canoeing on Lake Louise with mum's "remains"...
All these steps are part of what I call Operation Serenity, a long term mission to find and rediscover life after death, to find treasure the beauties of the world after experiencing and seeing so many terrible and painful things. Most things I have already done and can be proud of. I can perhaps be most proud of the fact that one year on, I am stronger and a bit "better" than before. But dear god what a terribly lonely journey it has been...
Is it too much to expect others to share in my joy as I slowly, slowly overcome grief? Is it too much to ask that others try and understand and show some compassion instead of shunning me when I am down and sad? Now, surrounded by the desolate beauty of the mountains and nature all around me, I feel that deep deep emptiness and those painful thoughts: I could disappear right here, right now, and nobody would miss me. Nobody would ever know I existed. Nobody would ever know what I did, what I once offered to those dearest to my heart... Nature has this magical way of making you feel so small and insignificant. Nature has a way of reminding you how alone you are in this world.
I daydreamed that on this very journey through the Rockies as I embark on this very meaningful trip, someone would be by my side. But it was not meant to be.
We come to this earth alone, we travel alone, and we will die alone. In between, when you are fortunate to find that soul mate and dear lover, you may enjoy the warmth of love and companionship for a little while. But when it comes to the most personal connection with life and death, when it comes to the spiritual journey of healing and rediscovering yourself, you are on your own. 
No comments:
Post a Comment