Graduation

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It still has to sink in what it all means. What holding this piece of paper (degree), what being a graduate really means.

I was just dazed today. Dazed and lost and emotional. So many people were there with me, so many stood by my side and congratulated me. But I was so "out of it", so lost at moments all the speeches that were made, all the pomp and ceremony, all the congratulatory words that were said just washed over me and did not register...

I appreciate so much how people made special plans just to be with me. How they went to all the effort to take time off, to journey here and to get dressed just to be able to stand with me and hug me, to hold me, to tell me how hard I've worked and how courageous I have been despite all odds.

I appreciate it all greatly, really I do. My ex took his first day ever off of work to be here. A friend, a classmate from the same year I began, took several days off to celebrate. Another friend pre-poned her return to Canada just to attend my graduation. Another traveled especially to Montreal just for one day to attend my graduation, before she had to fly back to London (UK) the very next day...

These are such grand gestures I did not feel I deserve, and they are true signs of how much the friends mean to me, and I guess also how much I seem to mean to them.

But I sat there today in the auditorium and was overcome with sadness. The valedictorian gave a speech about being grateful to family, friends and pets for our achievements. I am, but how I so wish mum were by my side to see all of this... To see me walk up on stage and see me in a split moment of honour and glory... I teared a couple of times during the ceremony. And that split second when my name was called I was not there. I was like a zombie walking across the stage, a zombie trying to force a smile, trying to be happy. I'm not sure anyone noticed. But the pictures that a friend took of me sitting there waiting for my name to be called certainly did...