To write or not to write

This has been on my mind for some time. To write or not to write, that is the question.

I started this blog five years ago (already five years...!) to jot down my thoughts and my experiences of the world.

It is like a personal diary, but public.
 It is my confidante, but open.
 It is like my closest friend, but made up of words (and sometimes pictures) that come from me.

I began this personal blog, mainly because my first blog I had shared with friends and family. At some point, I was beginning to be asked questions about my blog, and at times it had been used as a source of gossip or talk, which made me uncomfortable writing. The solution was to start an alternative blog and shy away from all the attention or negative remarks.

And now I find myself in a similar situation with my closest friend who constantly reads this blog. At times, if my writing sounds melancholic or sad, he would call or visit to comfort me. This is something  I greatly  appreciate and cherish. But at times, when I write things that are of direct concern or relate to him, he would want to talk to me about it, which makes me feel uncomfortable, in a way having to justify my thoughts and feelings, when I cannot.

So the other day, he read something which he found had painted him in a bad light. We talked about it, and I realised perhaps it did unfairly portray him, and I apologised for it. But again, afterwards I felt kind of unsure what I should do: keep on writing, keep on sharing my thoughts and getting my feelings down, or bottle them all in side. Or perhaps I should find an alternative source of outlet?

I want to, I need to keep on writing, right here... this is my way of releasing my fears, my experiences. This blog is my way for me to look back and retrace where I have come from, where I have been, how much I have grown (or stepped back) over time. And this is, as the web-address suggests, the "alternative" side of my life: a source, a means and an end where I can be frank, honest and not feel like I have anything to hide.


Perhaps... no, it can only be a fact that this blog is biased and personal, because it exists for the very purpose of recording all the personal experiences and views I have on this world. This blog is my life and my interactions with the rest of the world laid out bare, and perhaps in doing so I should not fear the consequences of my words and my thoughts (provided of course, people and experiences are not written about maliciously or made up), even if it makes someone, especially a close friend, uncomfortable or feel criticised.

I write, and I hope I do so with responsibility, in the sense that I hope I don't overly paint people or experiences in a bad or overly biased light. Perhaps this blog is a useless running monologue of a depressed and lost  tweenager trying to find his way in life. Perhaps this blog is not worth the bytes of storage space and pixels on the screen. Perhaps I should be careful and not be so frank about sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with everyone.

But to me, this blog is important and personal, and it is my life.