Family

I received a census in my email and began filling it in. There were questions about my family, my background, my childhood (even very personal questions about abuse experiences as a child...). And there were questions about whether I want to have a family.

Yes, I do. I haven't thought about it for a long time, not since last year, but it's always been at the back of my mind. The reason why I've not thought about it is simply this: you can't have a family being single, and for now, for too long, there's just no longer any potential to start anything. The closest family I have now, at least in the immediate surroundings, is my cat. And perhaps my collection of stuffed animals. My brother and his family are family too... But they are too far away, and in many ways since he got married two years ago he started his own family, one with a lovely and lively one-and-half year old.

I look at pictures of my nephew an am often filled with envy and longing. Sure, behind the cute poses and laughters must be a long of frustrations and exhaustion  ( having and raising a child is not easy...) but the beautiful moments together, family time, dinner together, coming home to a child wanting for you, watching the child grow up, take his/her first steps, speak the first words, bike, go to school for the first time and so on and so on... Those are moments and experiences that are so precious. Precious in part because they provide you with the opportunity to relive what you experienced earlier on in life.

Mum dying and leaving this world last year made me long more for the idea of starting my own family. When you begin to lose something, you long for it even more. losing mum was a final break in the disintegration of the idea and feel of family, and I knew it. Hence the hurt and paralyzing disbelief and lingering pain when my ex made all these promises that with time became more like words to placate me in a time of desperation and longing for hope.

But that's all in the past now... Or is it? 

My ex called and we spoke last night ( he calls almost every night... Strange, yes.) and somehow we got onto the topic of babies and children. (Must have been triggered by the news of the birth of the latest heir to the British crown) He and I both want to have kids. For a few minutes we talked about how wonderful it would be, about how many children we like to have. It felt familiar, felt comforting. Felt at the same time also like a dangerous trap. 

Maybe for him, it's just wishes and dreams he's sharing with a friend, an ex. For me, talk like this with him just conjures up memories of dreams we once shared together, and raises hope and wishes that in the end will end up hurting me and hindering my progress to moving on and being less attached to him and to what we once had. Maybe to another person it's just all talk, but to me, a dreamy Pisces who is gullible and so easily lead on, talk of babies and family  means so much more... 

I wish I were not like this. I wish I did not feel like this, I wish I were not so vulnerable and easily swayed by talk of family, a beautiful family and a future filled with love and security, stability and the comfort of not being alone... But this is the way I am. Take me as I am.