dealing with people

To be honest, I have always been somewhat of a loner. Though not the 'classic loner' who is content being alone and left alone, but someone who enjoys time alone, but at the sane time crave human contact and care.

A lot has changed in the past few years, and a pot I have had to face. And deal with, all as part of growing up. More and more I'm realising who I am, what kind of person I can be. There are sides of me that even i find endearing. But there are also flaws in my character that make me someone who is difficult to get close to, and difficult to comprehend.

And being in a relationship, especially my first one where I live in the same city as my partner makes me realise more and more about myself and how I am seen by others. There is a loving side of me that I have rarely wanted ti admit, let alone appreciated-- a side that as my boyfriend and I are getting more steady, I see coming out and surprising even me. Who would have thought I'd just spontaneously just want to kiss him or hold his hand as we're walking down the street? It feels so natural, so affectionate, and there is I think no greater gesture how much you care (dare I say love?) someone than wanting to feel his body and warmth, and not being afraid to do so in public.

But there are sides of me that come out too when we have disagreements or when I feel tensions between us. So far, most things have come and gone within a short period of time, and we always seem able to talk things through and 'make up' relatively quickly. In those moments of tensions or frustrations, I see just how clearly how impure the mind can so easily become, how things can sit and simmer, how I am a typical kind of passive-aggressive type who when upset 'shuts down/out' and becomes cold and silent and almost impenetrable, or even very defensive. Of course, it usually takes two to argue or have a difference of opinion, but I realise more and more sometimes when the heat of the moment is gone, the anger, frustration goes too. And it never hurts to admit and say out loud that you've been wrong (or been wronged), because after all we are all human, and all trying to find our place in this world, in living with one another in peace.

And I for one is a slow beginner trying to make sense of myself and how I can relate and live with others.