150413.0033
A friend came by last night, I've not seen her for around two weeks.
There were award silences because I did not feel I could tell her much. What I tell her will most likely be passed on elsewhere. This is sadly the nature of the closely knit friendship circle I am in.
And least of all I cannot tell her how I'm feeling, how I'm really feeling. Depression, therapy, tiredness and lethargy... I've tried to talk to her about it before. But the response I get from her makes me feel even worse. Worse, makes me feel worthless and like I'm a whiny sod who enjoys complaining when I have nothin to complain about.
So there was really little I could talk about. The conversations were forced, about very little. At one point I mentioned that I've been unproductive and very tired. I said I feel like I have so little purpose, that I have no motivation and no direction in life. Those were my true and honest feelings I've been wanting to share with someone, hoping someone will be able to understand and sympathize.
Well, that was a mistake on my half... my friend gave me a talk about how fortunate I am, about how I have so much and should really just get on with things. Maybe it was her way of encouraging me, her way of reminding me what I have and a way to push me forward. I imagine she means well, for why would she wish me ill?
But I felt horrible. As she spoke, I closed my eyes and shut out her words. I felt horrible. Horribly useless, as I were some spoiled brat who has it all and yet does nothing but complain. Her words ("People have to work! life goes on!") made me feel like I am a good-for-nothing layabout. Her tone made it sound as if I am making things difficult for myself, make it sound as if I am enjoying being depressed and unproductive.
At one point I really wanted to ask her to leave... But I kept my cool and just changed the topic.
The episode again showed me how and why I feel so distant from my friends. The episode showed again how very little people understand and how they cannot, cannot, cannot know what I feel like or why I feel like this these days. It just adds to salt to emotional injury I am trying to recover from.
And I am supposed to feel better? And I am supposed to be able to just shut away the pain, emptiness and loss inside and get on with things?
If there were a way, I would be dying to find out. If there were a way from this slump, this lethargy and indescribable emptiness I feel inside, I pray I could know.
A friend came by last night, I've not seen her for around two weeks.
There were award silences because I did not feel I could tell her much. What I tell her will most likely be passed on elsewhere. This is sadly the nature of the closely knit friendship circle I am in.
And least of all I cannot tell her how I'm feeling, how I'm really feeling. Depression, therapy, tiredness and lethargy... I've tried to talk to her about it before. But the response I get from her makes me feel even worse. Worse, makes me feel worthless and like I'm a whiny sod who enjoys complaining when I have nothin to complain about.
So there was really little I could talk about. The conversations were forced, about very little. At one point I mentioned that I've been unproductive and very tired. I said I feel like I have so little purpose, that I have no motivation and no direction in life. Those were my true and honest feelings I've been wanting to share with someone, hoping someone will be able to understand and sympathize.
Well, that was a mistake on my half... my friend gave me a talk about how fortunate I am, about how I have so much and should really just get on with things. Maybe it was her way of encouraging me, her way of reminding me what I have and a way to push me forward. I imagine she means well, for why would she wish me ill?
But I felt horrible. As she spoke, I closed my eyes and shut out her words. I felt horrible. Horribly useless, as I were some spoiled brat who has it all and yet does nothing but complain. Her words ("People have to work! life goes on!") made me feel like I am a good-for-nothing layabout. Her tone made it sound as if I am making things difficult for myself, make it sound as if I am enjoying being depressed and unproductive.
At one point I really wanted to ask her to leave... But I kept my cool and just changed the topic.
The episode again showed me how and why I feel so distant from my friends. The episode showed again how very little people understand and how they cannot, cannot, cannot know what I feel like or why I feel like this these days. It just adds to salt to emotional injury I am trying to recover from.
And I am supposed to feel better? And I am supposed to be able to just shut away the pain, emptiness and loss inside and get on with things?
If there were a way, I would be dying to find out. If there were a way from this slump, this lethargy and indescribable emptiness I feel inside, I pray I could know.
No comments:
Post a Comment