Uselessness

What did I do today? Woke up at eleven, three hours later than the alarm rang for the first time. Skipped work, and was in no mood to study.

A friend dropped by and we went house hunting. Twelve hours later, after a few drinks in a bar and a few shooters at a club, I'm heading home. Tipsy, my head swaying, music in my ears, typing frantically on the iPhone.

How do I feel? Pensive. Exams due in two weeks. Unprepared. My mind is thinking of flying away, disappearing, hiding. My mind is imagining the bright lights of Las Vegas, the tranquility of the Grand Canyon. I dream of going somewhere to feed and nourish my broken and tired, tired soul. My mind drifts to Taiwan, to a trip I will be making in less than two months. It is as if I want to be anywhere but here... Anywhere but in this moment...

Overwhelmed I feel, by what I am not sure. Exhausted I feel, but I cannot say why or how I have become this way. All the time I think of the law exams I am planning to do that will eventually lead me to qualifying for the bar. All I feel inside is dread, fear, and absolutely can find no motivation or reason for doing them...

Guilt, I feel. I am as good as dead... Squandering away my days and youth, burdened by this heaviness I cannot seem escape from. Many have told me I must go through this before I can heal and before I can rise and soar again. But I am impatient. And it does not help when others look at me so critically and give me the feeling I have become so useless...

I feel this sense of isolation, of detachment. I feel so useless, as if I'm wasting my life away. Why do people look so happy? How can they dance so happily with friends, how can they easily hook up with another? Why do I feel such loneliness deep inside? Why do I have such difficulty finding someone who could recognise my feelings and who could hold my hand and tell me it'll all be alright...?

I so long for someone to sleep with me, to hold me and to show me the meaning of life, the purpose of living and giving once more...