Complicated

"Okay, so there's no permanent love in this world, and you can never really know anyone, but at least there's heaven. Perhaps heaven is being in love and the feeling never stops- the feeling of intimacy never stops- you feel intimate forever". from Player One: What is to become of Us?

Why is it that human relationships are so complicated? Or is it because we humans make relationships so complicated? Constantly we are bombarded by emotions, by words and sounds from the outside world that often times overwhelm the voice deep inside. What is it that you really want? What is it that you really long for? What is it that you are giving up and living for? These, and so many other questions, make us all feel so insecure, so uncertain and so afraid... When all the time, we just want to be happy, to be loved, and to love in return.

Love is friendship on fire, someone once said. Isn't it easier to meet someone, and allow feelings to gradually build and develop? It's romantic, heart-warming to just think about it, to just dream about it. It's something I've been longing for for such a long, long time, especially as bits and pieces of my life have been slipping away in recent years. And I feel the more dear people in my life slip slowly away, the stronger the longing for love grows... Perhaps as a means to compensate for my losses, perhaps just because I'm in need of distraction to mask and numb the pain inside...

But do I really know how to love? Beyond the physical, the sexual intimacies, what is it that connects two people on a deeper level?  I've heard of stories of people who wait patiently for their "one true love". I've heard of people who love from a distance, hoping and praying for an opportunity to get close(r) to the one they love. What is it that drives them, these hopeful romantics, to wait and to hold on to hope? What is it that makes someone love so deeply, even if that feeling is not reciprocated or acknowledged?

Do I really know the meaning, or what it takes, to love and be in love? What do I have to feel? What do I have to do? Am I blind and deaf to it all? Is a synapse that connects the feelings of the heart with the processor of the mind fundamentally missing within? Is my heart closed off to deeper feelings that throughout time have driven people to sing and cry about? Is the abused child inside erecting impenetrable barriers so as not to be hurt or abused again? And what does it take to sustain the love, to keep the passion burning with the passage of time, to keep the mutual affection youthful and refreshing day and night? My mind can be so weak, I know it, so weak and so susceptible to boredom and unfeeling-ness with time...

So many questions, but no answers. Perhaps love should not be approached with words and questions and rationality. Perhaps love just is.