Flair?

I guess this is one of the big questions that's been nagging me recently, and why I started this alternative blog thing.

While visiting my pregnant friend in France, I had many thoughts and came to, more or less, some conclusions. Being with a mother-to-be and basically assuming the role of a father-to-be (though I'm not the father!) made me think about myself. There were moments of when we were really close, doing stuff probably the boyfriend or husband would be doing (but without the passion or 'spark'), like rubbing her back, or helping her walk about, covering her with a quilt at night etc. I didn't feel a thing. I'm sure if the person I was rubbing or holding hands with were some guy, there'd be 'sparks' and butterflies. Another indication of my gay-ness : P

I've always been scared of being close to girls...and I think it's a bit too old for this fear to be just 'playground cooties'. There were a couple of times at high school when girls came onto me, and I totally freaked out. One or two tried to get intimate, like holding hands or touching. Whenever that happened I just froze and felt very stiff and unnatural. I'd pull away quickly and try to avoid the person, but that would end up hurting them...which I don't like doing.

And at times while I was with my pregnant single-mother-to-be friend I felt this same unnaturalness and discomfort. Especially when I walked with her on the street, the way people seemed to be looking at us scared me. It's probably all in my head, but to me the way people looked at us seemed to be with such disapproval and disgust. I think it's the thought that people may interpret us as a 'couple' that scared me a lot. Even though we're not a couple, and definitely could never be a couple, the thought seems haunting!

Well, my friend seems to have a thing with gay people. She says she knows so many gays and lesbians, and could easily tell whether someone is gay or not. She said she could tell I'm gay from the very start. It's in the way I walk, she said, saying that it's a bit 'much' (ie camp). I don't expressly do it, and if she hadn't told me I wouldn't even know. I mean when I walk, I just walk. I don't intentionally walk and swing my legs and butt from side to side...I just walk! The comment did effect me somewhat, since I've never seen myself as 'camp' or never imagined that the way I walk or behave would 'give me away'. I'm not going to start changing the way I walk or behave just because of what she said, her comments did affect me somewhat.

My friend did have something positive, I guess, to say. One night as I dressed up for a night in town she mentioned that I definitely could be "A-class" material on the gay market, if only I would be more confident about myself. The way I talk, the way I look, the way I treat people...it's all good and desirable stuff, but without confidence I would never 'shine'.
I guess ever since last year I've been really trying to take more care of myself, and like myself more. It's difficult, but I'm progressing. I've changed somewhat, in the way I dress, I way I do my hair, but the most difficult is changing the way I feel about myself. Feeling worthless and unwanted shows in the way you interact with others, and if you can't feel good about yourself, how are you supposed to make new friends, let alone develop a relationship? That's always been something that's been nagging me. I want to change the way I feel about myself! I want to be free from this inner voice inside of me which makes me so self-conscious and critical of myself! I want to open up, be spontaneous and have a good laugh like everyone else!


I wrote this the night I went out:

I wanted to see the 'night life, and perhaps even experience a part of it. When I left, as usual, my spirits were high. Deep inside my childish dreams of meeting someone and spending the night in another person's embrace deluded me.

Again, the sheer sight of people, the laughter, the crowded spaces and tensions frightened me to the extent that I literally shivered out of fear a couple of times.

I just can't gather up the courage to go inside a bar and sit down to have a drink alone. I simply can't, despite so many cute guys I saw at many places. I simply freeze in such situations. So what do you expect when there are so many internal inhibitions?

...Though [my friend] said I'd be 'easy-picking' in the gay community, I wonder if it's true at all.

This pretty much sums up how I feel about myself, and how hard it is to meet people, let alone develop something further.