Fears

Maybe unfounded, maybe not, but the sense of dread and uncertainty that has overshadowed my feelings ever since I received news of mum's latest health conditions has left me somewhat paralysed and lost as what to do. Most of it is due to fears, fears that manifest themselves in various ways and in many forms. Fears I know I should not get too deeply drawn into, because in the end they are destructive and in no way help me in my practice and search for a worry-free life.

Sometimes, I must admit, the child within me feels it's so "unjust" and "unfair" what is happening to me again, and again. Just as I am settling down and beginning to progress on my work, I am exposed to another "upheaval" in my life. Just as I am hoping to stay rooted and start making plans to take up language lessons, to become engaged in volunteering work, to start meeting and seeing new people, I am again juggling dates of when I should pack my suitcase and leave here, uncertain of when I will return again... Just as I thought I could be with my cat for more than a few months at a time, just as we are bonding nightly in bed in our slumber, I have to abandon her and leave her all alone... It's cruel.

I look at my friends, and I envy their stable relationships, their seemingly less troubled family lives... And I admire how they can live in such relative certainty and pursue their plans and careers without having to fret  about things like whether one of their parent is going to be around this time next year... Why, I cannot even commit to tasks or projects people at school would like me to be involved in because I don't know if I can be fully myself or if I can be there when the time comes...

Of course, everyone has their own pains and sufferings, and my worries and fears cannot compare to that of others. Of course life and everything else in the world is changing and my turbulent life could easily be that of another person... But so often I just crave certainty... I just crave security... I just crave safety... So often I just want to know and feel that the moment I open my eyes in the morning I can feel good because there is something or someone I can look forward to.

But, as the teachings go, it is that craving for something and that aversion towards something I cannot change that creates so much suffering and pain, so much remorse and such a disturbed mind. Whatever I feel, however I feel and react to how I feel is a construct of the mind. The world is what we make of it. Events are what we perceive it to be. People, their pains and sorrows, are just the way they are.
Whatever will happen will happen... it may not happen in the way I want it to happen, it may not all be made of big happy smiles and laughs, but it will soon come to pass.

And in the end, I will go through it all, I will have to wear the turbulence, weather the storm.

And if I do not capsize, if I do not go insane with frustration or rage at all that life and death has to throw at me, then I will live. And no doubt I will become stronger and more tested.