He said he wanted to go for a walk by himself. He was in shambles and tears like I've never seen him, or any before. I followed him, afraid he might do something rash, afraid he might get lost in a foreign city, the language of which is just a foreign.
How did it come to this? A day after he arrived to be with me during this most difficult time, he is the one breaking down and crying about how torn he is. He said he wants to be strong for me, he said he feels guilty not being able to be strong for me, and yet he lay next to me about how he tried to break up his relationship, but was too weak to do so.
Who just died? Who lost a mother?
And how bizarre that the topic of our conversation, a topic that has caused heated arguments and tearful exchanges over the past year or so, is our relationship and my ex's inability to let go of a relationship he himself tells me has no future. I comforted him, held him, took him into my arms and into my heart, and yet felt so out of place... was not the purpose of his trek across the world not to be here for me? And strangely, I am here for him, listening to him as he pours out how very torn he is, how he has such a difficult time letting go of his current relationship, and how he dreams so much of being with me and building a future together. What of my own loss? What of my own sorrow, my own uncried tears?
I don't know what I believe anymore. This is all so twisted, all these emotions and tears are so draining, so overwhelming! I have a funeral to attend, I just lost my mother after so much time spent giving her love and affection and hopefully an easy passing... and at a time when I most need someone, my ex is here exhausting me and my already exhausted mind and heart.
Why is this more upsetting than losing my own mother? Because he gave me hope, he came to be with me, his actions spoke louder than anything else that he does care about me. He made a promise to me (and to a mutual friend) that he would resolve issues. And yet he is still trapped in a situation of his own doing, and pulling me in with him. Or I let myself be dragged into the situation, even though I vowed time and time again not to be involved with him anyone. I believe him, believe everything he tells me, believe that his feelings and love for me goes further than anything else and can overcome all the obstacles that have come our way. Friends told me and warned me about how deceitful he is and how he would never change, and yet my heart melts every time I see him cry, every time he sobs so uncontrollably.
I care about him deeply, so deeply he does not seem to realise or understand how it hurts to see him cry.
Will he remember this night? Will anyone know what happened this night? Will anyone know how he cried and cried and how I needed to comfort him? When the funeral is over, when this visit is over, what then? Will he go back and forget it all? Go back to the relationship he says he wants to leave and yet feels he is not strong enough to, and leave me hurting, leave me with broken promises and dashed hopes?
He does not realise how much I care about him, how much patience and kindness I have shown him, and again and again I let him into my life when I am dealing with the illness and death of my own mother? I let it happen, I let him into my life, because I imagine and smile at the thought of us together again, at the thought of us traveling together, making a home together, at the thought of growing old together... again and again, I fall for his promises and the expressions of how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet how much of those dreams he once shared with me is still real, still achievable, still shared with me? Perhaps he forgot about it all, and is now sharing his dreams and life with someone else, while all the time trying to keep me from hurting by dropping hints here and there how much he cares about me and loves me still... Only he knows. He has to live with the consequences of giving me hope, and then shattering it all again.
What is wrong with me?
Am I just too weak or too foolish?
Or am I just too soft and too willing to believe anything at this time?
Am I just too weak to withstand the sight of his tears and the sound of his sobbing>
I love him still, I care about him deeply, more than anyone else I have ever cared about (except my own mother...). If not, then why would his presence and indecisiveness and the way he has affected my feelings and life cause me more pain than my own mother's passing?
I just wish he could really feel what I feel, really see and understand my emotional state of mind, and realise really what it means to lose someone dear. I just hope for once he could be true, true to himself, true to me, and to true to life!
Because in the end, when you lose someone, really lose someone nothing else matters but how true and faithful you have been to the person and to yourself. Nothing else matters. Not arguments, not tears, not hurt or pain... nothing else matters but honesty and love, and giving yourself to someone fully, fully.
How did it come to this? A day after he arrived to be with me during this most difficult time, he is the one breaking down and crying about how torn he is. He said he wants to be strong for me, he said he feels guilty not being able to be strong for me, and yet he lay next to me about how he tried to break up his relationship, but was too weak to do so.
Who just died? Who lost a mother?
And how bizarre that the topic of our conversation, a topic that has caused heated arguments and tearful exchanges over the past year or so, is our relationship and my ex's inability to let go of a relationship he himself tells me has no future. I comforted him, held him, took him into my arms and into my heart, and yet felt so out of place... was not the purpose of his trek across the world not to be here for me? And strangely, I am here for him, listening to him as he pours out how very torn he is, how he has such a difficult time letting go of his current relationship, and how he dreams so much of being with me and building a future together. What of my own loss? What of my own sorrow, my own uncried tears?
I don't know what I believe anymore. This is all so twisted, all these emotions and tears are so draining, so overwhelming! I have a funeral to attend, I just lost my mother after so much time spent giving her love and affection and hopefully an easy passing... and at a time when I most need someone, my ex is here exhausting me and my already exhausted mind and heart.
Why is this more upsetting than losing my own mother? Because he gave me hope, he came to be with me, his actions spoke louder than anything else that he does care about me. He made a promise to me (and to a mutual friend) that he would resolve issues. And yet he is still trapped in a situation of his own doing, and pulling me in with him. Or I let myself be dragged into the situation, even though I vowed time and time again not to be involved with him anyone. I believe him, believe everything he tells me, believe that his feelings and love for me goes further than anything else and can overcome all the obstacles that have come our way. Friends told me and warned me about how deceitful he is and how he would never change, and yet my heart melts every time I see him cry, every time he sobs so uncontrollably.
I care about him deeply, so deeply he does not seem to realise or understand how it hurts to see him cry.
Will he remember this night? Will anyone know what happened this night? Will anyone know how he cried and cried and how I needed to comfort him? When the funeral is over, when this visit is over, what then? Will he go back and forget it all? Go back to the relationship he says he wants to leave and yet feels he is not strong enough to, and leave me hurting, leave me with broken promises and dashed hopes?
He does not realise how much I care about him, how much patience and kindness I have shown him, and again and again I let him into my life when I am dealing with the illness and death of my own mother? I let it happen, I let him into my life, because I imagine and smile at the thought of us together again, at the thought of us traveling together, making a home together, at the thought of growing old together... again and again, I fall for his promises and the expressions of how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Yet how much of those dreams he once shared with me is still real, still achievable, still shared with me? Perhaps he forgot about it all, and is now sharing his dreams and life with someone else, while all the time trying to keep me from hurting by dropping hints here and there how much he cares about me and loves me still... Only he knows. He has to live with the consequences of giving me hope, and then shattering it all again.
What is wrong with me?
Am I just too weak or too foolish?
Or am I just too soft and too willing to believe anything at this time?
Am I just too weak to withstand the sight of his tears and the sound of his sobbing>
I love him still, I care about him deeply, more than anyone else I have ever cared about (except my own mother...). If not, then why would his presence and indecisiveness and the way he has affected my feelings and life cause me more pain than my own mother's passing?
I just wish he could really feel what I feel, really see and understand my emotional state of mind, and realise really what it means to lose someone dear. I just hope for once he could be true, true to himself, true to me, and to true to life!
Because in the end, when you lose someone, really lose someone nothing else matters but how true and faithful you have been to the person and to yourself. Nothing else matters. Not arguments, not tears, not hurt or pain... nothing else matters but honesty and love, and giving yourself to someone fully, fully.
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