[...] whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with. Because this is to be asserted in general of men, that they are ungrateful, fickle, false, cowardly, covetous, and as long as you succeed they are yours entirely; they will offer you their blood, property, life and children, as is said above, when the need is far distant; but when it approaches they turn against you. And that prince who, relying entirely on their promises, has neglected other precautions, is ruined; because friendships that are obtained by payments, and not by greatness or nobility of mind, may indeed be earned, but they are not secured, and in time of need cannot be relied upon; and men have less scruple in offending one who is beloved than one who is feared, for love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails.
'The Prince', Michiavelli
Shiveringly scary...! But imagine if I were somehow to become some kind of power-hungry and people-manipulating person who would do anything to get his hands on influence and respect!! It would go against everything I believe in, and everything I stand up to, and everything I promised myself a long time ago I would never become...
At work today, my boss spoke to the bigger boss, and the proposal that I stay on for the coming year has been more (or less) OK-ed. There are just more details to be worked out, and more people to be informed (read: convinced). To put a long story short, it involves a lot of power politics, and complicated people politics. It exhausts me just to hear about all these things that go on, and to think I could be part of the 'system' makes me a little intitmidated.
It amazes me every single time to see the bureaucratic and long-winded decision-making process in action. As I found out, they had almost four months to look for someone to be the director in charge of the office I'm just temporarily staffing over the summer. But nothing was done. No initiative was taken. At all.
My boss was really pushing for the idea of me staying on, and again today said I would be really suitable for the position. Last night I lay in bed, until three-ish in the morning, thinking about the whole idea and just wondering a bit whether I could be in charge of a whole office with 'staff' underneath me. Imagine the responsibilities... but then also the powers and contacts that I could gain. I was just lying in bed, and thinking back at the year I was volunteering there... I was basically just doing what was necessary, and if I had questions or was unsure what to do, I could always turn to my boss, and who would make the decisions, and indirectly also bear the responsibility. Just thinking about me being in that position at this age just seems like a very strange picture! I guess I've never seen myself as a 'leader', as someone to be in charge of others and in giving directions. It takes a lot of courage and confidence, and faith in what I'm doing... which I don't really think I have.
But that close friend I have reassured me and kept on reassuring me: people are placed in a situation and they realise they have abilities they never knew existed. And besides, she said, there are different kinds of 'leaders', some stay in the background and may not seem to say much, but do a lot. And it'll be a wonderful opportunity to learn and to make contacts. And to think of it, what is in a title?
It's all still a bit daunting, and I really need to push myself to believing I can do it all. And again, things are still not set in stone, so it's really not the point to open the champagne just yet.
Of course, I was really grateful to my boss for believing in me, and putting all these proposals down and thinking also about my interests and about my future plans to move to another country and start life fresh next year... I kept on thanking her, and was a little embarrassed. But she turned around, and thanked me instead, saying something along the lines of she has just as much to thank me compared to what I have to thank her for.
That left a smile on my face.
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