Operation Secret Adoption

I went into the animal shelter for my weekly volunteering period. It was quite empty compared to when I first started over a month ago. My heart sank when I could not find "my cat"... The very cat which was till today the object of "Operation Secret Adoption".

I fell in love with this Russian Blue cat, beautiful soft eyes and gray hair. On her chest is a white tuft, and after I sent a picture of the cat to my ex, he came up with a name for her: Tufty (her name at the shelter was Geisha...)

The cat would affectionately butt me with her head whenever I approached. I must admit, she melted my heart and made me feel so loved. And how she purred and purred when i stroked her soft fur, rubbed her chin and cheeks...
So affectionate is she...

For some reason my ex fell in love with her, even though he'd never seen her or played with her. He kept on saying he wants to adopt her, and I secretly planned to make it happen, to give him Tufty as a birthday gift. I asked about it, but problem is she needs to be adopted alone, and I already have a cat, and with my planned trips away I could not possibly adopt a cat and leave two cats at home... They'd have a... Cat fight!

When I opened the door to the room where Tufty stayed in for so many weeks, she was not there. My heart sank. There was an adoption drive this weekend, and she left along with 15 other cats.

In a way I'm happy for the elegant little gray missus, and I hope she has an owner who will give her all the love and affection she deserves till her ripe old age... I am sad and disappointed because I have been planning clandestinely to surprise my ex with the cat, and came up with these little ideas on how to keep it a secret until his birthday. I even got cards with cats on it and also printed out a picture of Tufty to include in a birthday package I'm planning to give/leave him (as I won't be there on the day itself)...I even dreamed that this would be another way to cement our relationship. Yes, I do daydream and imagine beautiful things.

But things are not meant to be. And I'm saddened by it. Though I guess, and I'd like to imagine, the cat is loved now and well taken care of by someone out there..:

I'll miss that little cat we called Tufty who for those few hours managed to touch my heart and touch the heart of my ex.

All in a day

03052012.1234

I woke up early, even though I slept late. I was up till after one packing my suitcase, and dismantling my bike to get it ready for storage before I leave. As I took the bike apart, I was saddened by the fact I've only really used it twice. Once, a spin at night, which was cut short by a storm. Another day during the day, and the furthest I got was south of the city. My hopes and plans to bike around the island, one hundred km a day, never was realised. Mum got ill, and got worse and worse. Originally scheduled for end of February, I postponed till mid-March, then later April. I thought perhaps with brother's return I could find free days to realise my dream, or at least part of it. But he was barely around. And now the rain season has set in (even though the forecast rain never came today...), it's less likely I'll be able to use my bike. So into the bike bag and under mum's bed it goes... Until next time, when I have more time and when it's meant to be...

I woke up late in order to visit dad. I wanted to take a taxi and intercept an intercity bus at a stop on the hill not far from where I live. But by the time I arrived, I suspected the bus already came and left. The driver offered to take me, and we agreed to a price. Mum, when she heard how much I paid, laughed. But he was an old man, probably near his seventies, and for the ride through the mountains to dad's resting place, including wait time for me to pay my respects, I thought it was reasonable. When he took me back into the city, I said I needed to do some errands (one to get a wrench for my bike, and then buy some noodles that my brother did not have time to buy...), and the guy patiently waited for me. I even had time to go home and get some light change of clothes before I rushed to the hospital. And the taxi driver took me all the way. So I was grateful.

Before the ancestral altar I knelt and silently prayed. It's always the same... Asking the ancestors for protection, asking for their blessings, asking them to watch over my family, especially mum, and brother's family. I went to pray also before dad's urn, which I gently and silently kissed as I "spoke" to him. I told dad the time has come for me to leave. I said I don't know if I should be leaving, but that I have plans to study and to take an exam. And I told that I'll be attending my graduation, and hope that I can make him proud...

"Please take good care of mum," I pleaded, "Please give her strength and energy, so she can go home soon and recover..." There is really nothing I would ask for. I just wanted mum to get better, so she doesn't have to spend every single moment of the day in that hospital ward...


Later, close to lunch, I arrived in mum's room, and she was surprised, for I told her last night I'd be headed straight to the south to see my relatives. But I surprised her with "longevity noodles", roasted pork knuckle and soy-sauce boiled egg (traditional foods eaten on the day of your birthday to welcome good fortunes and good health). She had little appetite, but she did get up to eat a little, and I was so happy to see her eat without feeling sick or throwing up. As she ate, I wished that the symbolic foods would indeed bring her good fortunes and better health.

Mother's day gift

I really just wanted to get mum a soft padding to put under her whenever she lies down. But I walked away with a mattress...

Mum looked terribly ill today. For the two and a half hours I was there with her, she said very little. She had her eyes closed most of the time, except when I was showing her fascinating pictures of nature and of her grandchild on her eeepad. Otherwise, she sat lay there, and sat up for a little while, and just closed her eyes. From her facial expression you could see she was in a lot of discomfort...

Her red blood cell count is low again, and the doctor decided to give her yet another transfusion. As the two pouches of dark red blood dripped nip her veins, she became colder and colder. "It's so cold..." I covered her with another blanket, and held onto her hand to keep her warm. But still she was shivering. It is a common side effect of transfusions to feel wither cold or burn up in a fever, as the body has to adjust to foreign bodies.

Mum ate very little today, and for dinner just had a cup of warm drink, which is worryingly little. She said she had no appetite, and feels pain in the region where the bile tube is placed. Earlier in the day, her tube was changed to a thicker one so that there would be a better flow of bile out of her. It was yet another painful procedure and they administered a local anaesthesia. While they changed the bile induction tube, they also took images to see whether it is feasible to place a more permanent tube inside of her body so that mum does not have to carry a bile pouch with her all the time. The doctor came back and the initial assessment is that it is not suitable. No explanation was given as yet. I suspect it has to do with the spread in the duodenum, which may have worsened to an extent that the bile ducts are blocked and have no way out...

I sat quietly next to mum, leaned my head against hers and stroked her hands. Silently, I prayed and wished that she would feel better. I've done this a million times, but I still do it again and again in moments of despair. Why? Because what else can you do? What else other than hold her, touch her body and wish that hopefully whatever positive vibes and wishes will pass through the contact of our skin and quell her cancerous cells...

I left mum who had her eyes closed and who looked so very, very tired... I had to brave a smile as I left the room and wished her goodnight...

I didn't go home immediately. After a quick dinner (again, fast food...) I went to the department store she used to frequent a lot. I've been asking myself what I could do about her sore back, sore bum and sore shoulder blades. Much of the sores is due to the fact she does not have much 'meat', meaning if she lies for a long time, the pressure on her bones gets unbearable. She already has a padding, which she shifts from her shoulder to her back or to wherever the sore is most felt. But sometimes, she complains she is sore all over...

So I walked into the store, initially wanting to just buy another memory foam padding, so she has two and would have a greater surface coverage of her back side. Each costs NT$3600 (approx. US$120...) I was not surprised at the price, for the brand is her favourite, and she has a collection of pillows, a head-rest and even a comfy chair, the padding of all of which are made by  Tempur-- a company made famous when it invented a padding to relieve astronauts of the stresses of large G forces in outer space.

The storelady showed me the padding, the exact same one mum has, and she asked me what the pad is for. without going into details of what condition she has,  I explained to her mum's sores, how she feels sores and pains almost throughout her back side. The lady  told me I'm better off buying a mattress (overlay). "Simply place it over her existing mattress, and she would not need any other accessories."

I tried the mattress out, and it felt really comfortable, except for one thing. It was close to a thousand dollars, far, far more than I thought I would be spending. But the idea attracted me. If it can really reduce mum's sores, especially if she is going to be lying in bed for a long period of time, then what price tag can you put on that? I told the lady frankly that I did not have the necessary amount of money, at least not in case. "Is there anything more you could do about the price..?" I asked, "It's really hard seeing mum have so much sores, and not be able to do anything about it..." She understood, and for a moment there was a connection. She saw my heart, my intentions are genuine, and that I am truly buying it out of concern, out of love for my mother's comfort and wellbeing. The lady was moved, and said it is rare to see a child wanting to buy something for his mother.

She gave me a twenty percent discount, and then took off another hundred dollars or so under their "old for new" policy (whereby you give your old mattress for recycling). "I'm moved," she said, "As it's almost Mother's Day, I will give you a heart-shaped cushion for free too. But I'll have to clear it with my boss first." The heart-shaped pillow, also made of the same memory foam material as the mattress and pillows, costs over US$200 alone.

She rang her boss, and they spoke for a good five minutes. I could hear the lady say that there is a child who wants to buy something for his mother, but he doesn't have much. The boss was adamant that the pillow cannot be given away for free. Later, the lady came back to me and said it doesn't matter what the boss said. "I'll give you the pillow regardless!"

I was very touched, and had traces of tears shimmering in my eyes. I thanked the lady again and again, again and again. "Money you can always make..." I said. She finished my sentence: "But you only have one mother! Are you a single child?"

"I have a brother," I answered.

"Well, ask him to pay half of it!"

"He just got a child..." I explained. More to myself I guess, to justify to myself why my brother would not be contributing to this purchase. Just the other day, he was telling me how thrift he and his family must be as he's not working and is back here.

I walked away from the store with a large package and heart-shaped pillow, and hauled it all the way home. Along the way, I imagined mum's surprise when she sees it. I told the lady mum would get mad if she were to see that I bought her something else. "Just say it's discounted. Or better yet, just hide it under the mattress cover, so she won't see it!"

I smiled as I walked, and imagined the day mum sleeps on the mattress for the first time. Perhaps I will not be there to see that moment, but I smiled at the thought that even if I am away, my presence and the way I can touch her heart  can still be felt...

Gift

Gift

The other day I gave my mum my iPhone to play with. She's used it before, to look at pictures and sometimes play music on the radio while she's at the hospital. But I wanted to be sure she knows how to control a touch screen before I "commit" to what I just did.

I've been "plotting" something for a while already, ever since I noticed her begin to lose full and steady control of her hands and the nimbleness of her fingers. And one day, she said it's even hard to type on a keyboard and getting harder to manoeuvre a mouse. Those complaints gave me more the reason to buy her...

A notepad.

My brother got one last month for his wife, and partly for his son too. He said my nephew can play with the notepad to train his hand-eye coordination and listen to interactive stories for babies that you can download online (yes, this is a different era now, and my nephew just turned six months...!!) The device looked really handy and I played with it a bit. And when mum started complaining about her hands more, the idea came to me.

So today, I took some time out for myself and rushed downtown. I knew what I wanted, so it was a matter of getting a good deal and comparing prices. Eventually I got a good price for an earlier edition of the notepad my brother got. Funny thing was, I took out the maximum daily limit of money i'm allowed from the machine, and with what I had it was just about enough to buy the notepad and a case. I came home with almost an empty wallet, but a big happy smile and warm heart!

Mum's new Asus Transformer ("It's very well made in Taiwan"!) comes with all the basic functions that mum needs, like Internet, video and music entertainment and photo storage. Mum can easily navigate the device with her fingers, and if need be, she can also write with strokes of her fingers on the screen. Most important of all, it has a video/camcorder for skyping, either with her grandson or sons! And the good thing about a pad is mum can use it anywhere, even in her bed or sitting leaning back in her comfy chair.

Mum has not idea what I just did, but I look forward to seeing the look on her face when she sees what I bought for her. It's all part of what I like to call "Operation Eternal Happiness", a series things I'm trying to do to make mum settled and (as the name suggests) happy in the life and health circumstances she now finds herself in. Losing your health, and losing part of your dependence and mobility does not mean the end of your life, I keep on telling her. Life can and must go on, it's just that you have to make some changes (and purchases) to adapt.

The irony is when brother brought his notepad, mum was telling me to get one too. But I have no use for one, because I'm already content to be tapping away on the little screen of my iPhone, which I'm already used to carrying around and jotting down my random thoughts and observations with!

Plan

Plan

Again my mind is hatching a plan, a devious but special one. Soon it'll be the one year wedding anniversary of my brother and sister-in-law. And I'd like to give them something very special.

They've not really had a honeymoon since they got married because of circumstances. So what better gift than a trip?

Eva Air recently unveiled its second generation of Hello Kitty jets with flights to Japan (and to South Korea, Hong Kong and  Guam). As my sister-in-law is a diehard Hello Kitty fan, and my brother has never been to tokyo, I thought it would be great anniversary gift. So I approached my sister-in-law's brother (whom I suspect is a homosexual...) and proposed the idea. He thought it is great and we'll figure something out with regard to the logistics, especially how to keep it a surprise and how to arrange for a baby-sitter for a few days...




I'm surprised I can even think of this kind of pleasant surprises with what I am facing almost constantly at the hospital. Or perhaps it is because of the difficulties and unpleasantness of what I am facing that I am devising 'pleasant' things to distract my mine...?

I'm imagining their surprise when they are handed the plane tickets... I'm imagining my sister-in-lwa's excitement as she boards the exclusive Hello Kitty plane (all the decor, the seats, the personal entertainment system, the plates an cutlery are all marked with Hello Kitty!!)... I'm imagining them having some quality alone and relief time together, perhaps the first real opportunity since my nephew was born...

Another mission to be completed, another pleasant surprise to spring upon someone close. How great if it all works out!

AMS-LHR-NCL

A dozen minutes or so before landing at NCL. Within the next hour, everything I've planned over the past two, three weeks will be realised.

Will it all go according to plan, according to how I imagine it in my head?

How very exciting this all is. And in a way, how very romantic too. Romantic in the most general sense... In the sense that someone would travel so far, go through all sorts of trouble, go to all lengths just to spring up a wonderful surprise on you. Romantic also in the 'love' sense... What would you do to make someone feel loved and appreciated? A lot.

How far would you go to let them know you care? Far, far...

Hide and seek

Hide and seek

Just prior to landing at LHR. Circling the airspace above heathrow for over twenty minutes already, and still waiting for permission to land...

I'm a bit anxious, to be honest. I don't know how it never crossed my mid until last night when I went to see my friend off at the airport that we would be arriving at London Heathrow at around the same time. He would be flying in from Toronto, whereas I would land around an hour or so later from Montreal. I have a feeling he'll probably try to reach me or even call me as soon as he lands, and when he does he'll get the message that my phone is off. Which may add to his suspicions that I'm flying. Maybe he'll just stand at the gate and wait for me to get off to surprise me...

If he does that, then so much for my surprise of showing up at his doorstep in a few day's time... It's been hard keeping this secret operation a secret. Inquisitive as my friend is, he's been asking lot of questions about what I'm planning, what I'll be doing while he is away. I've been vague, but at times, just to whet his curiosity and get him wondering, I've been dropping hints here and there. In fact, if he had to look carefully, on the calendar in his office, I had written "LHR" in red ink on  2 December, the day of my flight. And on a piece of paper he had used to explain to me the reasons why airlines charge different rates for routes, and how indirect routes are always cheaper than direct ones. As he likes to call it, I've been talking in "riddles and rhymes" and at times giving misleading signals about what I'm doing over the next few days...

So it'll be interesting how the next four hours till my onward flight to AMS pan out. It'll be a game of hide (and seek, if he's onto something and will try to seek me out...). I know he's inside the terminal building, probably walking around, or maybe waiting outside my arrivals gate to see if I'll walk off the plane. I'll have to be ever vigilant, and swiftly move through the terminal buildings unseen and unheard. One thing I can't do, which I've always wanted is go to the arrivals lounge, as I heard great things about it. But chances are, my friend might be there too. So I guess I'll have to spend the next few hours on the move, wander around the airport so I can't be traced or found. I mean what are the chances of two people bumping into each other in a five big terminal buildings with thousands of departing and arriving passengers and dozens of flights taking off and landing in the next few hours? We may be in the general vicinity of one another, but if I play it right, I can sneakily slip onto my connecting flight undiscovered... 

It's like a game of cat and mouse, and I'm the mouse (literally, i was born in the year of the mouse/rat). It's a game, not just confined to a little board, but on a large, worldwide scale, involving planes, and great distances. And that's the excitement and fun part of it all...

Hiding and seeking, half way across the world, with boundless possibilities and places to hide. Great big and little surprises and clever strategies trying to outsmart the other person.

Oh, the devious plot is coming together...! It's so sweet and clever when things finally come together!

Surprise

Surprise  28 nov

I was confused. Dumbstruck. Suspicious. Too much happening suddenly too unexpectedly and all at the same time.  I went downtown today, even though it was a Sunday, because my friend has been asking me to come help him pack up his things to move away. I sat in the office a while and waited and waited, and suddenly at six in the evening he rang me and asked me to meet him at his apartment.  So I went, and another friend with a car was there too. Instead of packing things and tidying up his apartment, he went to get a Christmas tree from his storage space, and said we needed to be quick, as another friend was waiting for us at my place. Waiting for us? At My place?

To decorate the christmas tree? How come I'm only hearing about this now? I became suspicious and kept asking what was going on, but my friends were vague or elusive in their replies.   Suspicious as I was, I also felt  somewhat 'bad', because my house was a complete mess, as I've just been too busy with my work and the surprise gift for my friend I've been working on. And also because of my still healing thumb, I've not been able to do much housework, especially the dishes (not that normally my house is that clean either...).

And I felt bad also because i've been trying to invite this other friend  to dinner at my place for a while now, but he never had the opportunity. And now suddenly i hear he's waiting at my door, whereas I have not much to offer him on terms of food... We loaded the car and headed to my place. Barely had we unloaded, this friend who was already waiting for us to head back called me and told me to go to the supermarket to meet him. I went to the supermarket, but was so eager to get back. I needed to cook and try to make my house at least half decent to receive guests, but for the next half an hour or so I wandered around the aisles with this friend who kept on looking at various products and telling me how things are cheaper where he lives, or telling me the ingredients of this or that foodstuff. I was very anxious. It took great effort to eventually drag my friend out of that supermarket, and if I weren't rushing home, he would have wanted to go to another store to look at prices...

Anxious I opened the door. My ex was sitting on my couch talking on the phone. I felt a bit hurt, as I assumed he used the time I was away at the supermarket to quickly chat with the guy he is seeing. It was only when I got into the kitchen did I realise everything come together. My dining table had been placed in the centre. On it were various foods and a chocolatey cake, and gathered around the table were my friends.

"Surprise!!!" It sure was one, but I still could not figure out why, until my ex pointed to the cake and drew attention to the fact that written on a piece of chocolate in white icing was my name and "space lawyer". It was all because a few days earlier, after much time spent slaving away, I finally (almost) finished my thesis. I was overwhelmed by the surprise and how so many people made the effort to come to my place (as messy as it is...) to shower me with wellwishes and congratulations.

I kissed my ex on the cheek when I realised what he had done to coordinate and clandestine organise all this. I was very touched,  because just trying to get people to come together and do things clandestinely takes a lot of effort and time. I know that.  "I hope one day I can do something like this for you..." I said. The irony was, I was also busy planning and coordinating a number of surprises for his birthday, and he managed to pull something off before me. The whole evening, we ate and chatted, and my friends wrote me a lovely card with all sorts of touching personal messages inside.

As happy and overwhelmed as I was, I later admitted perhaps it was all a bit premature, as my supervisor had not even reviewed my thesis, and being the oh-so-confident person I am, I wasn't sure whether what I have written was of good (or any!) quality. Together with a number of friends, we did eventually put up the Christmas tree to usher in the holiday season. This year, it will be the first time I'm really putting in effort to celebrate  ever since I  arrived in Canada.

And as the tree became more alive and colourful with lights and tinsels, I began to feel warm deep down inside and was looking forward to celebrate Christmas  in the company of people  I care about and love... At the time, though, seeing the tree also reminded me of how precious and how very fleeting those moments of being together, moments when all of us can gather under one roof, are going to become rarer and rarer as slowly people begin to move on in life, and move away...

That night, my ex stayed the night, as expected when we have gatherings at my place with our common friends. We lay in bed and chatted late into the night. Just friends, who used to be beautiful lovers. Just friends, between whom the intimacy and strong physical and emotional attractions seem to have been waning slowly. By choice, and I respect that choice, even though I cannot fully understand why, even though he tells me it's so hard to resist me. I leaned to one side and told him how lonely I feel at night, and expressed how strange it feels that within a matter of weeks, days all that intimacy has vanished. He told me not to lament what I don't have, but to treasure what I do have. He leaned over and stroked my body, touched my arms and hands, as if to prove the contrary.

True, I have a lot... Wonderful friends who would gather from everywhere to surprise me, I have a loving cat, a warm home and means to sustain myself and pursue my goals and dreams. I have so very much, too much perhaps that I do not always treasure or remember all that I have, or have had...

But I am human too, and I have been too deeply touch by love, spoiled by affection and attention that I yearn for it, that I at times suddenly wake up at night and lie awake for a while because i am afraid of the enptiness next to my bed.

My ex can tell me to treasure what I have, not miss what I don't have. Normally I would and tend to think like that, but coming from him, as well intentioned and genuine as the words were, it sounded strange. Are those the words of someone who has someone, who seems to have it all? Words from someone who has a best friend, a "soul mate" as he calls me now, in whom he can confide, and who also has a special someone he can sleep with and be intimate with at any time?  I should just count my blessings, dispel whatever sadness I may feel looking at the Christmas tree that was put up in my living room, exorcise whatever beautiful memories of the way we were or potential futures of the way we may be...

But for once in my life, close to Christmas time, I feel a little sour and bitter that everything on the outside, all that decoration, all that tinsel, all those beautiful lights, is so wonderful, so magical, and yet on the inside there is a void, an emptiness that echoes deep with yearning and affection. But we can never have it all.

Nothing is ever perfect. The world is just the way it is. And it is, or you must see it as, perfect that way.