It will pass

I heard mum's voice on the phone, and it almost made me cry. She thanked me for a blanket I sent her, said how thoughtful it was, and how impressive it is that I can still write in Chinese.

Then... then, I realised why I am doing what I am doing, why I am putting my things on hold to spend time with her. There is no great big sacrifice. I am just doing what any child should do if given a choice.

It took time, and the encouragement and kind support of a number of friends. But really, when I look at it all, what is the problem? Where is the problem, if not all in my mind? Should I not be grateful that I can just leave at a moment's notice? Should I not be grateful that I have the means to travel? Should I not be grateful that I still have a dear mother I can pay a visit to, and who I can take care of still?

All those moments, days and nights dwelling and brooding in frustration and unwillingness to accept fate... all those moments clinging onto the 'good' settled life I have built up here... all just wasted energy and perpetuating my worry and fear to no benefit at all.

It will all pass... and one day, I may very well be able to look back and see how everything fits together, why I was made to make the decisions I am making now, and how simple it all seems, and how pointless it was for me to become so caught up and upset about circumstances I, or anyone, cannot change.

It will pass. This frustration, this anger, this boiling feeling of being on the brink of insanity and being so torn and so worn out. It will all pass.