Visit

It was drizzling outside. On the way to the temple, the waves looked rough and wild, reminding me of the boat trip back from Green Island I took a week or so.

I stood a few steps behind mum, brother and my future sister-in-law. The scent of incense sticks filled my nose as we worshiped our ancestors. My eyes became moist. In silence, I spoke to my dad, and asked for his blessings. Somehow that was a very emotional moment... "Dad, please bless them, and offer them lots of happiness, luck and prosperity in their marriage. Please also bless mum, take good care of her health and her wellbeing".

I do not know if dad could hear me, hear my prayers and hopes. As I stood before dad's urn, I felt a spur of emotions swell up inside. This is the day that many have been waiting for. My brother and his wife-to-be 'meeting' my dad for the first time. I could see mum was also moved. I could see her murmur something, no doubt asking for dad's approval and for his blessings.

They look like such a happy couple, laughing, joking around, and poking one another as we had lunch together at a restaurant. I was reminded of the wonderful time I had with my friend last week, and was reminded of how I miss the intimacy, warmth and comfort of having someone close close to me…

In the afternoon, I was back at the hospital with mum. The soreness in her left arm has gotten worse, and I can see her often rubbing her arm, hitting it with her fist, in a way to relieve her pain. Sometimes when I’m next to her, I hold on to her arm, hold on to her hand, silently wishing that the physical pain she is feeling can passing through my hands and into my body. But of course, that is but a childish and senseless fantasy… for I could never feel or bear her pain for her, however much I want to…  More and more, the hair on the top of her head appears to be thinning. More and more, I find myself trying to sweep away the strands of hair that are on the floor of our house, in the hope that she won’t feel too saddened seeing her constant hair loss.

Mum was supposed to have a chemo session last week, but she had been weakened by a strange bout of diarrhea, and her white blood cell count was too low. Though her blood cell count is still on the low side, the doctor recommended she continue the chemo treatment, especially as the hospital will be closed for the new year period next week.

To start chemo now will be exhausting for her, for a session lasts around 3 days, and in 4 days is the engagement, in 5 days the wedding. I’m really feeling apprehensive about her state of health, and how she’ll cope…

Mum looked sad as we walked home, and I could not but be affected by her sadness. “So is life…” she said. I reached out and grabbed her hand, held onto it tightly and stroked her fingers softly, in the hope that she could feel supported and ressured. My other hand was empty, and felt cold in the breeze.