Testing...

Went into the hospital with mum this morning, to have her invitro-chemo tube removed. I saw a boy, not older than 10, standing over his dad, who sat in a chair as the nurse put needles into his arm at the oncology ward. The boy had a forlorn look, and looked at his father. On his face was the look of despair, desperation and worry.

I'm not sure why that look moved me. Perhaps because I recognise those expressions, recognise those feelings, for they echo my own. What can you do when a loved one is undergoing an excruciating and at times humiliating treatment--one if not done, is an invitation for the cancer to spread, multiply and eat away your body? It is humiliating, because there is little you can do, and it is so deadly, exactly because it is invisible and not felt, until it is too late...

Mum looked tired upon exiting the hospital, so we went straight home. She is beginning to complain of sores in her left arm, and also beginning to feel sore in her right side hip. According to the make up of the nervous system, the left upper part of the body corresponds to the lower right of the body... the sores may be a sign that the pressure on her spine and nerves is getting worse.

 I... don't know if I should cry, or whether I can cry. Mum can see the sadness, the deep, deep sense of hopelessness on my face. "You're unhappy here," she said, looking at me sitting on the floor next to her bed."

"It just pains me to see you in pain..." I replied. When she hurts, I hurt... when she moans in pain, it is as if I feel that pain. I know these are perhaps strange feelings that are too intense and personal to comprehend. Perhaps I'm too attached and attaching too much of my feelings to mum's. But how can I feel anything else when someone I love and care about deeply is obviously in a state of pain?

Almost another week till the doctor's appointment and till she gets the results and diagnosis of the tumour and compression on the spine. How much more pain can she bear...? How much of this test of patience and forebearance can I take?