Pictures

She had been browsing through my facebook profile, looking at my pictures. "You have a beautiful smile," mum said. And hearing that made me smile. I am glad that my smile manages, somehow, to soothe mum's heart, to comfort her in a time of need and desperation...

Yes, despite everything that I am facing, I somehow have not forgotten (how) to smile. Smile at least in front of the camera, smile at least in front of the world. Smile, so that when someone sees me, whether a stranger or a friend, that person can hopefully also smile too. The power of a smile is so strong, so infectious, and I remember thinking one day when I was very little  if I can't change the world, I can at least put a smile in it. And I often tell people to smile, to laugh, to smile some more, and laugh even louder than ever before, because it is such a precious little gift.

Sometimes I fear if I'll lose the capability to smile, fear that perhaps one day, all that strength and courage and love I still have within me will just drain and become exhausted that I can smile no more. I so much fear that I will lose myself under the weight of life, under the weight of the burdens I place on my own shoulders. Especially when I'm home alone at night, when nobody is looking, when nobody notices, the smile fades and disappears...

She asked me about my profile picture, the one pictured in the top right corner. "It says a lot," she said, and told me how touched she was by the message. A very simple yet powerful message from a child who wants his/her dear mother to get better. A very simple yet personal message showing the love of a child for the mother, but also the concern of the child for the wellbeing of the cancer, as nefarious and deadly as it can be. I saw it on  a billboard on top of a building while I was wandering the streets of New York City one cold winter day. Seeing the message made me smile, but also made me hurt deep down inside, I remember. It said what I wanted to say in a way I could not have put better.

Mum said she spent some time looking at my pictures on my profile. Pictures of trips here and there, pictures of wonderful and memorable moments in my daily life captured on camera. And at one point she commented: "You look so happy with your friend. And I hope you stay like that..."  Hearing that, and imagining what pictures she saw of me and my friend, imagining the smile and happiness forever plastered on my face at those particular moments in time , I smiled. But deep down inside I hurt a little too.