Confusion...

He tells me he loves me, tells me he shares the same dreams as me, tells me how his parents love me (in the sense of appreciate me), and yet he wants to be with someone else. I cannot understand it.

If you know deep down there is such potential, there is such a strong bond with a person whom you love so much, and who loves you in return, then why do anything to jeopardise that dream? Why do everything, it seems, to deprive yourself of that dream? Isn't that just torturing yourself?

Late last night, just before I was about to retire, my ex called me. Again in tears. Crying, crying about how guilty he feels, about how confused he feels. And by calling me, he felt even guiltier, even guiltier for unloading his tears and emotions on me. I comforted him, or at least I tried, and said he is welcome to call any time. I want to be there for him, as he has so often been there for me, even though this issue touches me so deeply, so personally.

Why is he crying? Because he cannot let me go... he cannot feel guilt-free and cannot lie comfortably next to someone else at night because I am in his mind. I told him to let go of me, if that is what he wants. Just focus on one person, because he does not need me if he has someone else. That was the mistake before, being so torn and conflicted, and nobody has to go through that again.

But he somehow cannot let go of me. And he cannot let go of the other person, even though rationally, realistically, as he told me, there may not be much future between them. He knows that, the other person knows that, and yet my ex still wants to try. I am not sure what he wants to accomplish, what he wants to prove... but sometimes I think he is torturing himself unnecessarily. And over what? Over someone he cannot even say he loves? Over someone who has even told my ex that he belongs with me, just from the way he talks about me and thinks of me?

What is it all about? What is it that my ex wants? I can offer nothing else but comfort and compassion, I can only try to listen and try to understand what I cannot understand...

But really, sometimes it's that simple to just let go. What are is he afraid of losing, I asked him at one point yesterday. Imagine what you could gain from letting go! Because he is in that state of limbo, because he wants to try with the other person in the last two months that he has here before he moves to another city, I cannot see myself spending time with my ex. Shame, because I had such hopes of doing many things with him... bike trips, visiting a friend, even going to see his family. But I don't think I can bring myself to spend intimate moments and go on outings together when he is in that "trial" stage... Shame, but I hope for my ex being with the other person is worth all the opportunities and possibilities of time together I wanted to share with him.

Sometimes it just takes a change of heart to move on. To follow your heart, to look deep down inside and tell yourself what it is that you really need in life, instead of pursuing some uncertain fantasy of something uncertain and that you know may very well not last...

We ended the conversation late, far too late, and I was shaking in bed after I hung up the phone. I calmed myself, and quietly, slowly fell asleep. What a day it has been... Mum's treatment, then dealing with my friend, then trying to cheer mum up after her treatment, then dealing with my friend again.

Who will deal with me, who will cheer me up...?