More talks

My ex called today again, just as I was about to sit down to work. He said he was calmer and more clear headed, and he wanted to talk if I wanted to.

Talk more...? What else is there to talk about? He wants to have his time to see what happens with the guy he is so into. He wants to spend the last two months of his time here being committed to him. So what else is there to say?

Again, he reassured me he loved me, how he wishes to be with me, how he dreams of sharing life with me one day when he has peace and knows what he wants. In the mean time... I'm not sure what he is looking for in the mean time. But at least it is not with me.

I can accept that. But it is hard, it is harsh that just like that, all our moments of intimacy, and nights when we can lie next to one another and talk about things have been taken away from me. Right when I need someone the most... right when I am so hurting and so fragile because of mum's ailing health, I have to struggle on my own.

And what do I have left...? I told him how wonderful it is to have human contact, how wonderful it is to touch and be touched. And he is lucky to still have that with someone, so soon after he lay with me in my bed. And I have to make do lying down to sleep on my own. Not completely on my own, because I have  my teddy bear, and occasionally my cat.

But still, they cannot give me the warmth and comfort that I seek. They cannot hold me, hug me and tell me "Whatever you're going through, it'll all be over soon..." I'll just have to tell myself that. Just have to find the source of strength, peace and happiness that I wished my ex within myself. 

He asked me to go to a movie with him. I was at first interested, but later found out it was a movie about love and intimacy... how strange and insensitive it is to invite me to a movie like that. So I declined, as much as I wanted to let him know that I can still do things with him as a friend, I declined.

The thought of going to the movie, sitting there watching this tragicomedy about love is just too much. And at the end of it all, we will each go our separate ways, unlike before when I could easily sleep over at his place, or he at mine. Everything has changed, I feel... Changed. Changed. Changed.

And I must adapt accordingly, or learn to live without him.