Fragile

I don't know what is wrong with me. I sit in the office, trying to work on my thesis. And in my chest is a feeling... a hollow echo? A pain? A sharp bite? A tearing emotion? I can't really describe it. I guess the best way is to compare it is to a black hole, one that is sucking everything, every other emotion, every bit of enthusiasm and motivation away. Is it because of mum's uncertain condition, and the 'burden' of calling her and trying to reassure her every morning that she will be alright, that she must be strong? Is it because of having to face the reality that my ex and I are no longer together? Is it because of my anxieties about what the next couple of months might bring? It's a combination of all those things, and more...

I can smile and laugh, but inside it feels like a little boy is crying, yearning for assurance, hoping for some kind of contact, some kind of human touch. When did I become so fragile, so needy? How did I become so weak and dependent? Was I not the boy who grew up alone with neither parents by his side? Was I not the boy who survived years of trauma and lived to smile and be strong, or at least pretend to be strong? And yet in the face of two traumas coming my way, I find myself losing my composure, losing my normally strong self of control and motivation.

Ironically, a friend of mine wrote to me today, and said how proud she was of me. Proud of being friends with me, proud of knowing someone who is so strong and so together in the face of death and loss...

But if only she knew how weak I am now, if only she knew how much emptiness there is right now inside of my chest...