Night together

How did we end up sleeping next to one another, again...? What a strange night it has been, filled with tears, laughter, heavy conversations and bonding in the ways we used to bond during those days when we first met. It felt like we were together again, without complications, just the two of us, lying with our heads together, sharing heart to heart talk and sharing our lives and pasts...

Eventually I did go to the movies with my ex. Was it wrong? Should I have resisted and, like a friend told me recently, just cut off all contact? But I felt I needed to do something 'light' with him. He wanted to do something 'light', because the past two days have been so intense and so filled with tears. And I felt, after some thinking and wrangling with myself, I needed to reassure him that I can be, or at least try to be, his friend despite the strange situation we are in. I felt I needed to prove to him that even if he wants to be with someone else, between us we can at the very minimum have a friendship-- which is what we started off as...

It was fine for a while sitting next to him. But as the movie progressed, I felt this urge to touch him. To stroke his body, to hold his hand, like we used to do...  But I resisted myself, for I didn't want to impose myself, and wasn't sure if he would reject me outright and hurt me...

By the end of the movie, I just felt like going home as quickly as possible. Because that is what would happen right? Two friends who meet for a movie go their separate ways and say goodbye at the end of the evening. So I was cold, and said I wanted to walk home by myself. A long, long walk along the canal so I could clear my mind. My ex said he wanted to follow too.

Why follow me, I asked him. At the end of the walk, he would turn around and go home again. What's the point? Why pretend like it's just like before, when at the end of an evening we would somehow end up comfortably at someone's house, without hesitation, without a doubt. It was just a "given" everytime we went out. I wanted him not to follow me, and I told him that things are different now ever since he told me he wants to be with (or at least try to be) the other guy. I told him how much I am hurting inside because we are now different, because I can no longer feel comfortable to just touch his hand, stroke his body like I love to do...  I just cannot comprehend what he still wanted from me if he can get all that intimacy and companionship from the person he is so into. So why does he want to follow me home?

He cried when I rejected him and told him to go home. Cried because I misunderstand him? Cried because I was perhaps too harsh with my words, and ruined a perfectly wonderful evening to start with. All he wanted was to accompany me on a walk, so I would not be alone. Whatever we are, he still cares deeply about my wellbeing and my feelings, and I guess seeing me angry and hurt made him sad and hurt and cry. All he wanted was to clear his mind too, and to have some company.

Eventually I relented, and for a little while we walked in silence in the direction of our home. The brief silence soothed my temper and hurt, and soon we were talking calmly, talking like before, catching up on our lives without animosity or complicated feelings.

When we got to our street, he asked if he could sleep over. I was surprised at first, but of course I wanted him to sleep over. In fact, a part of me craved and needed company that night... every night.
Sleep over on one condition: no sex.

But it was not sex I wanted, not sex I was after. My fragile state of mind, my hurt and loneliness inside made me crave intimacy, crave human contact and human touch. Perhaps it was all wrong to receive it from my ex, and perhaps it was so wrong to want to hold him, hug him and lie next to me, but it felt so wonderfully warm, so wonderfully comforting. The intimacy was so intense, more overwhelming in ways than sexual contact. The touch of his body, the touch of his hands on my body, the soft caress of his fingers against mine, the way our hands played with one another, the way our warm breaths mingled and warmed our faces that were at times mere inches apart... all so beautiful, so familiar, so soothing. I hugged him tightly, so very tightly that when I close my eyes, I felt as if my body was merging with his in this beautiful, beautiful symbiosis. My anxieties, fears, hurt and pain inside all melted in his arms... We hugged one another, spooned one another, lie in each other's arms and chatted late into the night. It felt so right, and yet also so wrong.

He said he fell asleep quickly and had the most peaceful sleep he has had in a long time. Quality sleep he can only get lying next to me, he said. I fell asleep in his arms, and drowned in a state of bliss... yet I woke up a couple of times feeling anxious and confused to find myself lying next to my ex again. What was I doing to myself? What was I doing to him? As much as I wanted this intimacy, as much as I longed for human contact and another person's touch, was I hurting myself more and digging myself further into his influence when I had earlier resolved to release myself from the entangled situation between him and the boy he is into...?

I woke up several times and lay next to him, listening to the softness of his breathing and felt the warmth of his beautiful, soft skin next to mine. He is so enchanting, his smell is so dizzying, his presence can make me melt and break down even the firmest resolve and promise to myself not to get too deeply involved...

Because I know, deep down, as much as I enjoyed his company, as much as I longed for his touch and caress, as much as I love to touch him, stroke his face and arms, nothing can  last long. Everything is so uncertain between us, we are no longer that couple who have each other. We have perhaps never really been a couple who were uncomplicated and uninfluenced by external factors. And though both of us, I think, want to rekindle and savour this level of intimacy, the level of intimacy that we have only been able to find in each other's arms, he is confused about what he wants. And as long as he is confused, I cannot rule out the idea that maybe I'm just a temporary fix...  I cannot even be certain if he is really lying next to me because he wants to, or because he feels like he is doing me a favour, as he feels responsible for my happiness and for making me hurt so much. I do know, whatever the reason why he is next to me, as much as he enjoys it and says he longs for it, and as much as I need it and crave for it, soon he will leave me and I will again be all alone... And I must learn to cope on my own.

 Why is the most difficult things in life to let go of often also the most intoxicating...?