The past

I broke down, again. I didn't mean to, but the memories were too difficult and painful...

I didn't want to make it about my past, that unmentionable past. The main issue was that I had, consciously or unconsciously, lie about my sexual experiences. I had led my best friend / ex to believe I am an 'angel'. He felt manipulated and hurt, said he had held me with such high esteem, but now has difficulty trusting me. All he ever wanted, he said, was a boyfriend who he could trust, and who was true. But I can't even be that... I've not been that.

I broke down in tears because it is all related. 'Full' sex and the past, what happened to me long ago, yet haunts me still. Twice I was close, but it did not work out because I was too scared, too tense, and unwilling. And to my friend I said  that nobody had ever done that with me. Because someone did try, even though it failed. And the time this one guy tried with me and it didn't work out, he told me in my face something that hurt me for a long, long time. His words still echo in my head to this day, and made me often doubt myself and sexual maturity...

I sobbed for i don't know how many minutes... Just cried and cried, and the sobbing was so intense I felt my ribs and stomach ache so badly. I was blinded by the tears, consumed with ugly, ugly memories and images, and saturated with pain, with guilt, with shame, with the question "Why? Why did it happen? Why me?"

But there is no answer, it just happened. And my phobias, my bouts of guilt, victim mentality, my fear of of full-on sex, my deep deep sense of alienation, loneliness and insecurity all flow from those experiences. The tears just flowed and flowed and I could not stop shaking, shaking, shaking...

Why was I crying? Crying because I hurt and disappointed my friend... crying because deep down inside, there is something fundamentally wrong  with me that  causes me to lie, hide, conceal details and behave so strangely when it comes down to sex... I cried because I realised that the past will forever cast a shadow over whatever relationship I enter into with anyone... 


I have always had a difficult relationship with sex and intimacy. I long for it, yet dread it at the same time. Sometimes I find myself blocking out sexual experiences and encounters... I don't know if I do it consciously. I don't think so, but I simply do not know. Which may explain (but in no way justifies) why I do not fully reveal the details my sexual experiences, even to the one person I trust most of all. 

But I do remember as a child, when 'it' was happening to me, I would close my eyes and drift away... It was my escape, escape from pinned down, from being forced, from being subjugated and victimised. I would dream, fantasise of being somewhere else, doing something else. It was my way of coping, shield invisible shield, even though my body had been compromised. My body may have been 'taken', but my mind, my thoughts are free and can attempt at escape...

And at times today, even engaged in intimate love making, my mind drifts and wanders. It is as if I'm not there, even though I am engaged in the act. It happens less today, but there are sometimes lapses of memory and concentration I cannot account for. Sex is not just sex for me,  not just something pleasurable and fulfilling, something that compliments a healthy relationship with someone I love and care about. For me, sex also draws out at times memories that are painful to bear, too difficult to forget...

I sat on the sofa and continued to sob and shake. It was not out of wanting sympathy or compassion or an easy way out of how deeply I had hurt and disappointed my friend earlier that I cried. I could not control my tears, no less my stop shaking and my and the painful sobs that shook my body and lips...

When was the last time I spoke so frankly, so openly about what I went through? When was the last time I poured out how it affected me so pervasively, so toxically like a plague I cannot control, cannot stamp out? I thought I could let it go, but no, it comes back again and again. Again and again when I least expect it, in my relationships with other people, in my relationship with sex, and in my ability to trust and be intimate... Once abused, forever scarred and forever scared.

He hugged me, he cried for me, he encouraged me. But I felt so undeserving of all this attention, of his time, of all this comforting and care I was again receiving from him, from the very person I had hurt and disappointed a few hours earlier. Who am I to deserve all that after all the hurt and pain I've caused him, not just today, but over the past three years we've known each other?

 And told me again how strong I am, how strong I have been to have gone through it all, and yet come out the beautiful person I am. Beautiful, he said, as beautiful  as he first met me, as beautiful as he got to  know me more and more. Despite the lies, and the ways he felt I had manipulated and deceived him, he was still there, still wasting his time and energy trying to make me feel whole and feel like I deserve love and care, for whatever reason...

I wiped my tears eventually, collected myself and my belongings, and prepared to leave. I felt I could not stay around much longer. I felt like burrying myself under the blanket and sleeping so I could forget, so I could have that temporary peace of mind when my mind is 'off' and when I do not think and do not remember...

"More than ever, I want to lie next to you", he said. For my sake, for his sake, for our sake, whatever that meant... I was torn... I had not, and cannot, forget that hurt and numbed facial expression earlier in the day when he found out about my sexual past. And yet he still wants to lie next to me? I was conflicted and confused. The negative and traumatic memories do paralysed me and I could not think, could not make up my mind... what do I want? What is best for me? I looked at my friend, standing by the door, his innocent eyes red and damp from tears he had shed.

And I stayed, for better or worse, and once again found comfort, acceptance, and warmth, all those elements I have so looked for and longed for, in his arms.