Games?

I found myself lying awake in bed this morning, merely a few hours after going to sleep. Piercing through is the glorious bright light of a chilly autumns day, and the hint of change on the trees outside my bedroom window. I lie next to my friend, hear his faint breathing, find myself wanting to lean close, to hug him. But find myself hesitating too.

Last night was a wonderful evening spent with friends, drinking and socializing. At times, I found my friend looking at me, winking at me playfully from the corner of his eyes... And yet, at times I saw him distracted, looking down and frantically tapping away on his phone, communicating with i can only guess is the guy he wants to be with...

I lie next to him and wonder... All the conversations we have had over the course of the last months, weeks, and we are still in a limbo, in that in-between place of having it all, and having nothing. I told him if he wants to be with the other person, go for it, there is nothing standing in his way now. And he told me outright that there are issues he feels he must resolve with me before he can move on (and indeed, in a couple of months, he is moving away to another city...).

I lie next to him and wonder... What am I doing with him, and what am I doing to myself? I'm giving him warmth, affection, little playful and intimate touches and pokes, I put my arms around him when we sleep next to one another to keep him warm. And he does the same too, wrapping his arms around me and leaning against me in a snug, beautiful fit. What does he still have to resolve with me? What is
there to resolve...?










  The other day, he sang the lyrics of the song  "Quit playing games with my heart"...

I live my life, the way
To keep you coming back to me
Everything I do
Is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby you'd better quit playing games with my heart

It's a horrible indictment to make, and I'd like to believe otherwise.  My friend has on a number of  occasions told me that I'm the "best" person he's come across. He says he can envision life with me, building a family and home with me, being comfortable and happy with me. In fact, he said a wonderful period of time we had was when I moved into my current apartment and were painting and decorating the place together. It was the first time he did that with anyone, and he said he felt he was building a home, a feeling I share too...


 The other day, when he is ready he wants to be with me and will give me one hundred percent, for life. How am I supposed to respond to that when I see him trying again and again to pursue  someone he knows somehow deep down inside may very well just be a short lived romance and momentary infatuation? Am I supposed to wait and wait till he's gone out and experienced something to make him realise what he really needs in life? How long should I be in this limbo and feel so drawn to his winks and smiles, touches and hugs?

And yet he has conflicted feelings which he cannot explain, which he is unable to overcome. Of course i am a (if not the) source of his confusion and of him having conflicted feeling toward two people, and I have very little say in what he should do or who he should be with. But even though we have broken up, we still spend many nights a week together, sleeping next to one another, enjoying the comfort and warmth we provide one another. For me, I can receive that comfort and warmth only from him... but he has options, and I am but one of the options...

Am I for the time being, before him and the other person officially get together, just a source of comfort and warmth that is readily available? Perhaps I am the very reason holding him back and preventing him from going into something deeper by being around. Perhaps I'm feeling  the way I've made him feel during all that time when I was with him physically, but never really said outright I would be committed to him as the one and only...

I said to my friend the other day I hope he can really find what he wants, who he wants, and gain more clarity so he can move on, literally and metaphorically. Who does not want that, and who does not wish that to someone who is your best friend and whom you care about so very much? For his own sake first and foremost, and also for the sake of the people who have become entangled in this relationship triangle, he needs clarity, closure so he can start a new chapter in life, without lingering feelings, without wondering what if and why not...

Someone will get hurt in the short run, but with time, wounds will heal, and the past will be forgotten. If he feels so strongly for the other person, do something about it, I said, Don't linger and torture himself and others... If it is me who has to be resolved, then so be it. I will retire and distance myself and remove myself slowly and slowly from his life, and move on...

And going away in a few days for almost two weeks is a start to doing just that. I feel, and in a way, I admit, I fear, that when I come back there change will have blown in in my absence with the wind. Change, like the changing of the colours on the trees outside... Positive or negative, change is usually for the best.

At least I hope so...