Secret

"What could be better than two people falling in love and giving to each other their lives?" mum said. I almost instantly cried (I know, I seem to be or want to cry a lot these days...). "It doesn't really matter who they are, as long as they love each other."

She said she's been "researching" and reading up on things, and she has come to accept "it" more. "It" being homosexuality. Of late, she said she has been watching "Dream of the Red Chamber", a Chinese classic text that vividly describes all sorts of friends and relationships and beautifully captures the human psyche. In it, with its multitude of characters, all sorts of relationships are portrayed. Love between man and woman,  and love between man and man. Mum said she cried many times watching the tv dramatisation of this great classic text (which for a while was banned due to its controversial themes), and she recommended I read it someday.

Toward the end of our daily phone conversation mum said to me: "As long as you are happy, and he provides you with much love and support, then that is the most important." He meant no other than my friend, my ex, which was awkward, because I had told her that we are no longer together before. But I guess the way we hang around one another, the way we contact one another and speak to one another when we are apart makes it hard for the outside world to believe that we are really not together.

So I told her again that we are no longer together. "Shame," she said, "He is such a nice boy and he cares about you so much." I could say nothing else, but deep inside can only wonder again why we are no longer together. I guess I'll never really understand.

But the reason why the topic of homosexuality came up was not about me. It was about someone in my extended family, whom mum somehow found out is gay. He recently went to university, and soon afterward he met this guy and they have been together since. How innocent, how beautiful... I can imagine it (or perhaps I am beautifying it...): eighteen year olds, perhaps their first romance, first love, first experiences of being in love. How beautiful, how wonderful that is...!

The mums on both sides know, are alright with it, at least as ok as they can be. "I realise more and more," mum said, "There are so many [gays] here, and I am more accepting." And she told me how the other day, when mum went to see dad, she told him about me, and asked him for understanding and acceptance.

I am glad, for deep down inside a knot that has been tying me down has been untied even more.