Weaker

She sounded weaker, noticeably weaker when she picked up the phone. It had been a rough, rough night. She said it wasn't because she was lying awake thinking, but that every time the first night after chemo she cannot sleep well.

She sounded tired, but we still talked for almost quarter of an hour. "I'll take care of myself," she said, "You just do you thesis, and see what you need to do after that..."

I asked her if brother knew about her continuing treatment. He does, and when he heard it, there appeared to he much regret... about how things ended when mum left Europe. What is the use of regret now? What is the use of being sorry and causing so much upset, perhaps even contributing to her relapse...? Maybe those days she spent with me, when she could not sleep and when she was upset about my sexuality also contributed to her having to return  for treatment...

"Rest," I told her, "Take good care of yourself please..." but I felt so bitter, so angry at myself inside. What am I doing here...? Really, what am I doing here?

I have such a severe headache, and the mixture of anxiety and fatigue is dragging me lower and lower down...