Take off from Narita

Take off from Narita

The plane just took off, now still climbing to cursing altitude, upwards and onwards to Canada.

Relatively smooth journey till now, though twice I've had to 'lie' when I was asked where I live. I can't say Canada, as I have no visa to enter the country since I left before receiving the new study permit. I'm not sure what will happen at the border, whether they'll interrogate me about what I'm doing and why I'm going Canada, but that will come when it comes...

Whatever happens, it was worth it just going to see mum again. Two and something weeks I stayed, 18 days in total, but it seemed and felt so much longer... Why...?

At various points, I found myself counting down to the day I leave, looking forward to getting on the plane and not looking back. It was that difficult...

Just because I don't see it, does not mean it does not happen. But it does, selfish or not, make it easier for me not to see things that hurt me, that drive me so  towards frustration and even anger. It was that difficult... 

So difficult I at times felt like bashing myself against the wall so I could wake up from a terrible nightmare. But imagine what it feels like for mum, who has to live with her pains and sores everyday, every moment of the day...

As I sat and waited for the plane, I wrote to my brother. An email, a kind of report of what happened over the past two weeks. It was in a way also a report for myself, to tell and remind myself that things are the way they are, and that I must be prepared. For anything, for everything...

Mum's condition is really deteriorating, and I'm afraid the chemo may not work. Unless some kind of miracle happens, the tumour will most likely get bigger and bigger, and spread elsewhere. And there will be more pain, more sores, more unbearable pain...

Sometimes, i just wish everything can end. I don't mean to whine and rant, but sometimes I wonder who can really know how I feel? Who can really know what I feel deep down inside? I don't want praise, and I don't need to be told what a wonderful child I am... I just want this to end. All of this travelling, all of this uncertainty, all of this seeing mum in pain and suffering to end. It's mentally and physically draining, and I'm not sure how much more I can take...

I have tried, this time around, and over the past two, three years to visit mum as often as i can to give her support, to give her encouragement. I have tried so hard, given my own time and life to be with her, to make her stronger and better. But I know deep down, the illness will win one day. It is a matter of time, and I must prepare myself, brace myself to face that by myself. 

Despite all this complaining and whining, I still have to be grateful for the opportunity I have been given, however tiring it has been, to spend some time with mum and make some more memories together. This time around, I've managed to fulfil a dream of hers, to let her see first hand what it is that her donations does for less fortunate people. It was beautiful, simply beautiful...

Despite all my complaining, I have tried and tried everyday to bring mum happiness and peace, reassurance and encouragement. Is it enough? Is anything ever enough? 

Even if it is not, it must be. Peace can ever be found if and when you make peace with the way things are, if and when you do not wish to change things but just take things as they are. I know before I wrote I just want things to end, but one day, everything will end, all this 'mess' I see or find myself trying to navigate through, will end when I just let things be. And I'm trying to do that, beginning to do that.

I did not cry when I left Taiwan today, I did not cry at the last moment when mum closed the front door. I would normally. But I did not. Perhaps it is a sign that I've learned to let go. To just be, to resist negative emotions, not to let sadness or years to take me over.

I gave mum a long, tight hug, deep inside wishing her happiness, peace and freedom from pain. I took her left hand and arm and stroked it gently touched it, held it in my hand. I'm sure mum felt that that, and how meaningful it was. And I can only wish and hope that my touch will soothe her pains and worries, and that the soothing will last long, long till after I am gone. 

I looked back, to see the door close, and just a split second before day, saw mum wave and smile a little. 

Farewell, my dear, brave mother...  Be well. I will be well and take care of myself.