Shattered dream

Another restless night, waking up at various times throughout with thoughts and longings floating in my head...

I got up, sat in meditation for a little while and felt somewhat better. When the mind is settled and cleared, it fears less, it sees more. It sees beyond suffering and worry, and lets go easier.

Afterwards, I switched on Skype to call mum, and for the first time I saw she was online, so we video chatted. It was good to see her face, to put her face to her voice, and to see the familiar setting of the living room where just a week ago I was on that night before I left.

She talked about how she's been, what she's been up to, and I listened attentively, smiling as she talked about her day. A few times, she commented how great it is to see my face and how great it is to video chat like this.

I showed her the teddy bear she bought me back in january this year, the same one I hug to sleep every night... The same one I give my love and affection to, and kiss every day in the hope that it, a symbol of mums's love and care, can feel my love and care...

Then she mentioned about her pain,  which she feels is getting worse with the change of weather. As it gets colder, it seems like the painkillers are losing their effect more quickly. My face saddened as I heard this, and turned even more grey when she said she does not think she can make it to Europe for Christmas.

My dream shattered... I was hoping to meet her there, and planned my trip so I could spend time there with her. I was even planning to use my own money yo surprise her with a ticket, to fly first class, in great comfort, so she can arrive all rested and arrive in style...

I so wanted to see her hold her grandson, in the setting of the home he was born in, the very same home I lived in for ten formative years of my life... But she can't, she says. Just like the other day when we went traveling to the east of the country, every morning she has really unbearable pain that she just wants to lie down and rest. It really takes the fun out of traveling, really hinders her ability, the ability she used to have, to just get up and go, to just go and do all the things she wants to do whenever she's traveling. Now, it has become such that the thought of a long flight, and of being away from the comforts of her own home, is just too much...

Mum apologised for disappointing me, and I guess the disappointment could be easily seen on my face... "Don't worry," I said, "It's ok if you can't make it..." It did not matter so much, but a dream of mine, and a dream of hers, was just shattered...

I comforted her, told her to take a good nights sleep. Throughout our conversation, I realised and felt again what it is to love and care about someone, without wanting anything, without hoping for anything in return. It is the purest form of love and care, uncomplicated and genuine, heartfelt and real. And how fortunate I was to be able to give that to my mum. How brave and strong i was to be capable to give that even though I need it, am longing it myself...

She laughed when she saw the teddy bear with a note on her lap. A hand written note from me, one I wrote while she was talking earlier.

 "Take care" it said.

Take  good care, my dear mum.

I love and miss you dearly...