Starting again

First day back at school... I woke up relatively early, around six, and sat down to meditate, to calm my mind after a disturbed night of sleep. Before I knew it, it was already an hour and a half later, and the sky was brightening up. Went for a long walk in the forest, and admired the beautiful autumn foliage, already in its final stages. The colours are still dazzling, so bright, in varying shades of yellow and red, but you could tell that the brown and inevitable fall of the leaves are looming close.

At school, I sat and worked for a few hours. Progress is slow, and like every time I come back to my thesis, I must retrace where I left off and find the direction I want to go in. The echo of mum's voice reminded me on the phone earlier to persevere, to do what I must do. But it is so difficult to focus, so very difficult to find determination, to sit down and tell myself I can do this. And I must do this, for I have merely a month and a  week or so left till the final, final deadline.

I had lunch with a friend, and like so often, we shared what we had brought with one another. We caught up on our lives over the past month. It was only in talking that I remembered and reminded myself how much has happened in this past month... meditation retreat, the struggles of looking inward and realisations that ensued... writing an exam... cutting off almost all contact with my friend,  the source of support and comfort I've relied on for the past three years... heading home to see mum and accompany her through two very long and difficult weeks... and now back here. Back here again and starting my life again...

While having lunch, my supervisor walked in the room. He said nothing of my thesis, and asked me how mum was doing. Somehow he had learned that I went home again, and like always he was concerned. I did not answer, but the blank, the silence and contorted expression on my face must have told him what was going on. And he understood, and asked no more. He had such an expression of concern and gentle compassion. He always has been so patient and understanding with me, and I feel I've been dragging my feet and wasting his time.

I could almost burst out in tears... For some reason, I could almost just burst out crying in front of my professor. But I held back.

I must be strong, be strong...

Be strong.