I arrived home, opened the door, turned on the light of my bedroom and saw the bed had been freshly made. The room was clean, much cleaner than I left it, and there was still the smell of fresh cleaning products in the air. On my bed were various teddies, and little notes. All from my friend.Touched, I was, extremely touched, and grateful for all that my friend had done for me, despite my lack of contact with him in recent weeks. And walking around the house made I could see he (and later I learned, another friend of mine) put a lot of effort and spent a lot of time to prepare my home for my return. Fresh groceries, scrubbed oven, cleaned kitchen cupboard doors, floors that have been vacuumed and swiffered. After such a long and difficult few weeks away, I felt I could break down and cry seeing all that my friends have done for me... All for me... Do I deserve so much?
As I was unpacking my bags, the doorbell rang. I opened it, to be greeted by a bunch of colourful flowers. My friend appeared from behind the doorway. It has been such a long time since I last saw him... even longer than planned because of my unplanned and prolonged disappearance back to Asia.
We missed one another, that much is sure. He missed me dearly, and as we hugged, we did not let go for a long well. He smelled me, caressed my body, as I stroked his and sniffed the back of his neck... I could see there were tears in his eyes, and he watered again as we sat down to a quick dinner. It was mesmerising, overwhelming, and melted my resolve and all that hardness and determination I had to let go of my friend...
He stayed the night, I wanted him to, even though I was unsure what he felt. We lay next to one another, and for a long while just lay in one another's warm touch and embrace. And, as expected, like always whenever we lie next to one another, we got intimate. The touch, the smell, the warmth of our bodies together again was simply too much to resist. The physical intimacy was so intense, much more than I had imagined all those days and nights my mind wandered to him, to being with him, to sleeping with him... For those moments of passion, of kissing, of caressing and exploring each other's bodies, I felt there was nothing else... All my troubles, all my worries, all the tiredness, all the mental and physical fatigue faded into nothingness...
We fell asleep together, lying close, savouring the comfort and familiarity of being together, sleeping together...
But we are not together, and as wonderful as the night of bonding and intimacy was, there had, at least for me, developed a distance between us that is increasingly difficult to bridge. I care about him, I love him still, but more and more I find it hard to see how I can be a meaningful part in his life, and how he can be in my life without someone, or both of us, feeling hurt and torn.
"I missed you so much," he said, repeatedly. At one point, he caressed me and said how much he would like to be my boyfriend, how much he wishes to take care of me and to tell my mum not to worry about me...
It was difficult to hear that, as much as I would like that, it was simply difficult to believe that. Here he was lying next to me this night, but the next day, he will go off on a trip with the boy he has feelings for and cannot let go off. Many times, I told him to do what he feels is necessary to resolve his feelings, to free himself from being and feeling torn. I wished he could be free and happy, even if it is not with me, because after the month or so apart and not being in touch much, I feel I could let go of him. But why was he telling me he wants to be my boyfriend? Why was he telling me he loves me so much and wants to live up to the dream of mum to see me settled and have someone who will take care of me? It is just cruel, even if he meant it in the most sincere way... Cruel to say something that he knows fully well is a wish of my mother who is slowly, slowly leaving me...
His love and care for me is genuine, I feel. Yet, he seems to be pursuing something that makes me more and more determined to distance myself from him, so I do not have to be hurt again, so I do not have to hear him say that he loves me so much, and yet cannot let go of his feelings for another.
"I don't want any part of this..." I said to him outright. It simply is exhausting... exhausting after being with my mum for two weeks or so, and to come back to a situation that has not much changed compared to when I left, compared to even a few months or almost a year ago. I know it is exhausting for my friend, that he has cried a lot, and is so burdened by the fact he has feelings for two people. But it is for him to resolve, for him to find out where his heart lies, for I simply am just too tired of being caught in this web of hurt, guilt and seeing him cry... It is selfish, I know. It is selfish that I do not want to share his burden of deep feelings of guilt, sadness and fear of loss when it comes to dealing with his relationship woes. But I just feel I am a cause of his current hurt, and I can really do or say very little more than to step aside and let him deal with things as he sees fit.
I so wish I could help him, help him resolve his problems and worries. When I hold him, when I hug him, deep down I wish so much he could find happiness and peace, deep down I send him thoughts of peace and happiness, and hope so much he can receive it and benefit from it... The only other person I have ever done this to is my mum...
And, perhaps going about it the wrong way, I thought being away, minimising all contact with my friend would make him think clearer and realise what he needs in his life... But on the contrary, he has been hurt, and even angered, by my silence and refusal to pick up the phone when he calls. I thought not talking, not having to hear about my life and what I am going through would help him feel less responsible and more free to pursue his own life and go after his own happiness. But on the contrary, he seems to be still so stuck on me and unable to let me disappear from his life...
Back home, back to my life, from one insurmountable difficulty in my life to the next.
One thing at a time, one thing at a time...
And I choose to let this go, to let things be, whatever and however they will be...
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