I lie awake, tormented like never before by thoughts, nightmares and fears...
Two nights ago, I was in bed with my friend, holding him, hugging him. Now I am alone, while he is with someone else. I am holding onto my own thin body, trying to keep myself warm, trying to keep myself from crying... God only knows what he is doing, and why he is doing it...
I sense a deep, deep feeling of loss...
Losing my mother, losing my lover, losing my best friend...
Everything that matters dear to me I seem to be losing bit by bit.
And the pain, the hurt is indescribable.
I wish I could use a knife to cut myself, to cut away the feelings of pain, cut away the nightmares in my head, the sense of deep loss that is gnawing away at my sanity and my ability to think and function.
In the end what do I have left? What is this pain and suffering all worth? Is it a way to greater freedom, to finally letting go?
More than ever, I need someone to hold me, to assure me, to cradle me to sleep and tell me: "It'll all be over soon..."
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