Last night

Final few hours at home (this time around). Close to midnight, lying on the floor next to mum's bed. 

Last night together, but we didn't really spend much time together today. She met up with a couple of her close friends from university, and said she had a terribly good time laughing and connecting over lunch, afternoon snacks and dinner. I spent the day meeting up with my cousin, doing some last minute shopping and packing.

 "Yes, life should be like that," I said, "Lots of laughing and being happy everyday." And she said herself, she did not feel much pain or aches today, at least not after she met up with her friends. And even staying out and chatting (gossiping!) for hours and hours, she did not feel sleepy or too tired. She said she would try to live everyday like today.

It's not quite the last night I expected, as a friend of mum's is sleeping over, and the whole evening they were still chit chatting. At one point, they were skyping with my brother and my nephew. Again, seeing her grandson brought so much joy and such beautiful smiles to mum's face, and seeing that, I was comforted. 

Just before sleeping, mum took the effort to write a little personal card to my friend (the ex). She wanted to do it, to thank him for often caring so much and asking about her health and her condition. And in the note mum also thanked him for taking care of me. In one of my suitcases, there is a lovely gift for him that mum insisted on buying.

Three suitcase are packed, ready to be taken away and to fly home. In truth, only one of the three is actually mine, the other two contain mostly goodies and gifts that my uncle would like to give to his family, whom I'm going to see and stay with in Vancouver. I was at first surprised to see so much stuff, but I realised, even though they are just cookies and candies, they are an expression of a dad's love for his children, and a husband's love for his wife. As heavy and cumbersome as the suitcases may be, I am in a way honoured to be given the position of "couriering" that special expression love and connection across the ocean, deliver those goodies thousands of kilometres away and personally into their hands. 
 
I fall asleep with the big teddy bear my friend once bought me, but for almost a year now has been keeping my mum company. Normally he sits on her bed, with his somewhat sad eyes and an expression as if he is searching for something. Perhaps it is a hug he is searching for, and tonight, he will be in my arms. 

The few hours the teddy is in my arms I'll hold him tightly, close to my heart, squeeze him, kiss him, love him. Perhaps, and I can only dream of it, after I am gone, he will give mum the care and love I have given him on my last night at home.