Tears...

She called my name and I thought she wanted me to do something for her, so i approached her bed. but she had her eyes closed and was sleep talking. Mum mumbled something, half asleep, perhaps dreaming and seeing things. "Affair...", "Traffic..." I could not make heads or tails of her speech or what she wanted, if anything.

I instinctively reached out my hand and stroked mum's head softly and whispered "Sleep well..." Silently, in my heart I said "I love you", "Please forgive me...", "I'm sorry for all the wrong I've done to you..." My eyes flooded with tears. I felt so sorry for her... So terribly, terribly sorry for her, and I could do nothing for her. I know a lot of the things she accused me of doing wrong earlier were said because she could not bear to see me spend so much time being with her and taking care of her... I know she is angry and frustrated that she has become so dependent, and that I am shouldering much of the burden (nowadays). I know she cannot control her temper, because her bodily pains and the drugs are causing her to say things beyond her control... "Get iodide powder. I don't need the hospital to stamp it. We can go home..."

I cried even more as she said more things that did not make sense. At one point, she wanted to press the emergency button to call the nurse in. But I took it away from her, and lied to her that I'll call her myself. She was really delirious, and her mind seems to be conjuring images and thoughts beyond her control. "Just go to sleep," I said, and again stroked her head softly like I would trying to woo a baby off to sleep. I felt this sudden pain again seeing mum like that, hearing mum talk nonsense, and it scared me how much her health, both mentally and physically, has deteriorated over the past month or so. "Just go to sleep," I mustered the words to say, "And don't think too much. What happened happened already, nothing matters any more..."

When you love someone so much, when you would do anything to make that person comfortable and cared for, it breaks the heart to see her gradually lose control over her body and mind. These tears that are flowing so uncontrollably come from this deep, deep sense of pain seeing mum so lost and so confused. I hugged her legs, stroked her arms, and more tears flowed. "I love you so much... It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart so much to see you like this... Sleep well, mum, sleep beautifully...."