Killing her softly

Am I really so evil, as mum implies, and do I really want to just send her to the hospice and let her die there...?

Another eruption this morning, as mum was moody and so was I. She kept on telling me go get a carer, which I have already asked for yesterday. But since it's a big holiday coming up (Tomb Sweeping Festival) a lot of people are off and it's hard to find someone. I think she's getting irritated because I'm around most of the time. She worries that i might get too tired, but what else can i do? Now there's only me, and noone else. I'm just waiting for a call from the agency to send someone over.

Perhaps it's me who's getting irritated and frustrated of all this waiting and just seeing her get thinner and weaker, surviving only on IV drips. But really when we're together, except for music or the tv in the background, there's very little talking. I can only watch her lie there, seemingly in a lot of discomfort, and yet when I ask her what's wrong, often she doesn't say anything...

Am I doing something wrong? I'm just here standing by to do something if she needs me to. What is wrong then?

Again she said I just want to send her to the hospice and let her die. But I never said that. Why would I even want that? How terrible that would be! She said she wants to five the bypass surgery a try and that she has faith in the doctors. After she said that, I stopped raising issues about risks and about the surgery being too risky in her state of health. It's not for me to assess, but for the doctors to know what to do best and what the risks are. I can only stand by, and with what rudimentary knowledge o have of medicine, let mum know what the doctors told me and what I fear are the likely consequences...

How painful it feels to be so misunderstood...! Is the problem really me, me being stubborn and too conservative about taking risks? It's painful to see mum get so upset... I'm just trying to do my best, but she seems to think I wish her to die quickly and die a painful, slow death from starvation...