My friend has known me for around six years, and it's funny a lot of the friendly advice he offers me every time he see me is always the same. "Have fun while you're still young," he tells me, go out and meet people.
A part of me is tempted... Tempted by the idea of just going out there and enjoying myself, not thinking too much about what happens. How else are you going to meet people and broaden the circle of friends? How else are you going to find out what it is you really want out of life and in a potential partner, and not be restricted to what you already know?
In many ways I admire my friend and his very open and friendly nature. He can just backpack somewhere and make contact with strangers who become travel buddies and friends within a short time. I've done a fair bot of traveling myself, but much of it solo, and I don't get to meet anyone, let alone befriend anyone...
I know the problem is with me, for I've always been shy and have a hard time beginning to socialise with strangers. Once the barrier is broken, I can be a good friend and care about the person easily and quickly. But finding conversation, even just going up to chat with someone makes me hesitate...
Today was a good example. We were at a bar and having drinks, and these three foreigners came in and sat down behind us. I suspected they spoke a Germanic language, and later I realised it was Dutch. I had the opportunity to just make conversation, in their native language even, but I was afraid for some reason. "What do you have to lose?" my friend told me. Really, what do I have to lose except a few minutes of my life at most. And who knows what I have to gain (perhaps even if things had gone differently, I wouldn't be here right now typing this entry...)
My friend tells me to go live more, have fun, enjoy life. And he's been telling me that since I was twenty one, when I first met him. Not much has changed, at least as far as personality is concerned... I'm still very bashful, I'm still a bit conservative, perhaps even a hopeless romantic, when it comes to relationships and being with "the One". Sure I've had one or two relationship worth mentioning, but the last one ended up in shambles because I took too long to realise what I really had and was for a long time too afraid to commit and go admit to myself I love the person... And look at me now... Single, still dreaming of and longing for someone who seems to have just moved on as soon as I left the country (at least from what I know and hear). And friends laugh at me and ask me why I'm still so caught up in the memories of a short lived relationship with the ex, when he seemed so able to quickly break thins off with me to go after someone else.
Perhaps I should just loosen up, enjoy myself more, and not feel always so conflicted and constricted by my (self imposed) duties and obligations to others. Perhaps really I should just live life, prioritise my own happiness and wellbeing before everything else, because in the end, relying on others for happiness is being too dependent and most likely just ultimately brings disappointment. I mean I've been wanting to go out and meet people, even just for a chat and a coffee, but I haven't done it because I'm just too preoccupied with mum's situation and deteriorating health... I so much long to make new friends here in a "foreign" city where I know no one (besides relatives...), but a part of me thinks pulls me back and is afraid of what may happen... But what am I afraid of? Who am I even obligated to? I'm single, I'm free, I'm free to see whoever I want, do whatever with whomever I wish to... But I don't. I stay home, dreaming meeting the "true one", daydreaming about a life and future that exists only in my fantasies...
Just so silly, just so very typical of my horoscope! Must live life more, have more fun, instead of living in dreams!
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