Taiwan has quite a large and developed gay community. There are various organisations advancing gay and lesbian rights, sexual orientation discrimination is prohibited by the law, the capital city annually hosts the largest pride event in the region, and there is talk of opening marriage for same-sex couples. Apparently there is even a temple dedicated to the deity protecting homosexuals! On the streets, I have occasionally seen couples hold hands openly, and a number of gay celebrities (including a transexual) on tv gives the impression that being gay is not really that shocking. And once, together with a friend, I asked an elderly lady who volunteers at the metro station where a gay-themed book store is located, she did not look shocked but very friendly and kindly told us where to go!
Today, with my friend we explored a bit of one of the gay districts of Taipei, and we went into a store, which we realised only later caters to lesbians (though the things, like clothes and accessories on sell seemed very boyish to me... Well, maybe all the reason why it's a lez shop!) As we were about to leave the store owner told us about a tarot reading service which caters specifically to the gay community.
I've never heard of such a thing, so I was very curious. So I sat down, and wanted to give it a go. The one question that has been bothering me a lot is my relationship (or lack thereof...) with my ex. I have been very troubled and torn by the hard to decipher signals he's been sending me, not least a number of emails he sent me declaring his true feelings and realisations about me being the one he loves, has always loved... And he even went as far as sending a mutual friend (actually the one I was with today...) to fly here to check up on me (though in a way, that's also creepy, for I feel like I'm being spied on on various levels and can't readily talk to any of my friends without news of me getting back to my ex...)
Frankly I'm very lost as to what he feels towards me, really feels towards me, as what he would like from me. Does he want a new start? Or is he just saying all these things because he figures out they are what I would be moved by and they are the way to get me to open up to him again? Is he playing with my feelings, trying to see where I stand while simultaneously having a relationship on the side in case I reject him? I just am so confused...
I randomly picked three cards, each which represent the past, present and future. The lady deciphered that I feel much insecurity with my ex, and this is holding me back from committing again with him (if that is even an option, and if that is even what he still wants...). It's true, after what we have gone through, being told to wait and to have patience while he figures things out has really made me feel like I'm just an option, like I'm a third wheel that is only needed as a replacement in case his pursuit of happiness with another fails. Friends have not hidden their views that, as far as they can understand and see, what he's been doing is terribly selfish of him, but I know I am partly responsible for the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Another tarot card shows that I sacrifice too much of myself, give too much just to please the other person, and often wonder in the end what I get from what I give. And it warned me also to be wary of being too gullible to what my ex tells me, for though I can set my heart on something, sometimes what he tells me can uproot my plans and I'll just follow suit just to placate him, while forgoing my own and deepest wishes.
A lot of what she said of me springs from my own inner conflicts, from wounds deep down that have yet to completely heal, things I have yet to face and change. Whoever it is I am with, whether with my ex or someone else, I'll always feel the same if I don't change my perception of things, if I don't resolve inner conflicts and feelings of insecurity. (I knew somewhat, or was perhaps persuades into thinking that what she was hinting at were the dark past I faced...). The teacher said i need to look into my 2nd chakra point, which is out of balance. It's a point which deals with emotions, and which may result in fear of having pleasure, being out of touch with feelings, and also being resistant to change. And there is also something I need to resolve with my mother, she said (which was very alarming when she mentioned this, especially as I'm so tied down by my relationship with her...), and that I need to be able to let go of things, or otherwise I cannot progress and will always be turnoff around in a karmic circle that keeps on repeating itself...
The fortune teller did not say, could not say whether my ex is "the One". Tarot card reading is not like that; it's not like more conventional and local forms of fortunetelling whereby your life and events and even partner can be foretold, the lady explained. Thirty percent, the "unseen" can be foretold by the tarot teacher, but the rest of the seventy percent depends on yourself. She did not say whether my ex and I will have a future or whether we are compatible... We know best how we suit one another or not. Even if he is not compatible, not the one, fundamentally I'll always have the same issues repeat themselves whoever I am with. Insecurity, dependence, overly self sacrificing and feeling not understood enough are my own issues and comes from within me. Even with the "right one" those feelings and insecurities will not go away until I myself make some changes. I need to open up, to let go of the past, and to trust. But of course the other person must make efforts to prove that he is trustworthy, the other person must also be willing to make make changes and compromises so that If we are to start something again, we break from that old, vicious cycle of insecurity and distrust, of being separated and unwilling to let go, and yet tormenting ourselves fearing whether we are letting a wonderful chance of a lifetime just go by.
She read my heart and told me deep down I'm not ready to let go yet, but I'm very afraid to be hurt again, and that I have difficulty in trusting again. She said I deep down want to have contact and no longer ignore his attempts to make contact, but I am just unsure what renewing contact will bring. I fear renewing contact will undo the healing that I have managed to do on my own for three months now. I fear I'll too quickly fall for his words and promises (only he knows whether they are true words and true promises, only he will have to live with his conscience...). But I know deep down this is too good, there is too much there to just let things go without trying again.
"I recommend you renew contact..." was what she wrote on a piece of paper. She can't tell me definitively what will happen, because life and love can change when two people are willing to work to change, work to jump out of the dark past and painful memories. Two people, with compromise and understanding, with letting go of certain things and embracing flaws and faults in one another can make breathe new life into a stalled relationship.
Today, with my friend we explored a bit of one of the gay districts of Taipei, and we went into a store, which we realised only later caters to lesbians (though the things, like clothes and accessories on sell seemed very boyish to me... Well, maybe all the reason why it's a lez shop!) As we were about to leave the store owner told us about a tarot reading service which caters specifically to the gay community.
I've never heard of such a thing, so I was very curious. So I sat down, and wanted to give it a go. The one question that has been bothering me a lot is my relationship (or lack thereof...) with my ex. I have been very troubled and torn by the hard to decipher signals he's been sending me, not least a number of emails he sent me declaring his true feelings and realisations about me being the one he loves, has always loved... And he even went as far as sending a mutual friend (actually the one I was with today...) to fly here to check up on me (though in a way, that's also creepy, for I feel like I'm being spied on on various levels and can't readily talk to any of my friends without news of me getting back to my ex...)
Frankly I'm very lost as to what he feels towards me, really feels towards me, as what he would like from me. Does he want a new start? Or is he just saying all these things because he figures out they are what I would be moved by and they are the way to get me to open up to him again? Is he playing with my feelings, trying to see where I stand while simultaneously having a relationship on the side in case I reject him? I just am so confused...
I randomly picked three cards, each which represent the past, present and future. The lady deciphered that I feel much insecurity with my ex, and this is holding me back from committing again with him (if that is even an option, and if that is even what he still wants...). It's true, after what we have gone through, being told to wait and to have patience while he figures things out has really made me feel like I'm just an option, like I'm a third wheel that is only needed as a replacement in case his pursuit of happiness with another fails. Friends have not hidden their views that, as far as they can understand and see, what he's been doing is terribly selfish of him, but I know I am partly responsible for the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Another tarot card shows that I sacrifice too much of myself, give too much just to please the other person, and often wonder in the end what I get from what I give. And it warned me also to be wary of being too gullible to what my ex tells me, for though I can set my heart on something, sometimes what he tells me can uproot my plans and I'll just follow suit just to placate him, while forgoing my own and deepest wishes.
A lot of what she said of me springs from my own inner conflicts, from wounds deep down that have yet to completely heal, things I have yet to face and change. Whoever it is I am with, whether with my ex or someone else, I'll always feel the same if I don't change my perception of things, if I don't resolve inner conflicts and feelings of insecurity. (I knew somewhat, or was perhaps persuades into thinking that what she was hinting at were the dark past I faced...). The teacher said i need to look into my 2nd chakra point, which is out of balance. It's a point which deals with emotions, and which may result in fear of having pleasure, being out of touch with feelings, and also being resistant to change. And there is also something I need to resolve with my mother, she said (which was very alarming when she mentioned this, especially as I'm so tied down by my relationship with her...), and that I need to be able to let go of things, or otherwise I cannot progress and will always be turnoff around in a karmic circle that keeps on repeating itself...
The fortune teller did not say, could not say whether my ex is "the One". Tarot card reading is not like that; it's not like more conventional and local forms of fortunetelling whereby your life and events and even partner can be foretold, the lady explained. Thirty percent, the "unseen" can be foretold by the tarot teacher, but the rest of the seventy percent depends on yourself. She did not say whether my ex and I will have a future or whether we are compatible... We know best how we suit one another or not. Even if he is not compatible, not the one, fundamentally I'll always have the same issues repeat themselves whoever I am with. Insecurity, dependence, overly self sacrificing and feeling not understood enough are my own issues and comes from within me. Even with the "right one" those feelings and insecurities will not go away until I myself make some changes. I need to open up, to let go of the past, and to trust. But of course the other person must make efforts to prove that he is trustworthy, the other person must also be willing to make make changes and compromises so that If we are to start something again, we break from that old, vicious cycle of insecurity and distrust, of being separated and unwilling to let go, and yet tormenting ourselves fearing whether we are letting a wonderful chance of a lifetime just go by.
She read my heart and told me deep down I'm not ready to let go yet, but I'm very afraid to be hurt again, and that I have difficulty in trusting again. She said I deep down want to have contact and no longer ignore his attempts to make contact, but I am just unsure what renewing contact will bring. I fear renewing contact will undo the healing that I have managed to do on my own for three months now. I fear I'll too quickly fall for his words and promises (only he knows whether they are true words and true promises, only he will have to live with his conscience...). But I know deep down this is too good, there is too much there to just let things go without trying again.
"I recommend you renew contact..." was what she wrote on a piece of paper. She can't tell me definitively what will happen, because life and love can change when two people are willing to work to change, work to jump out of the dark past and painful memories. Two people, with compromise and understanding, with letting go of certain things and embracing flaws and faults in one another can make breathe new life into a stalled relationship.
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