Breakdown

"How did we come to this? How did we come to this...?" I said, more to myself. I looked out the window at the city under the cloak of darkness. It's so bright out there, but in this room there is a low depression flowing through. I shed the first of many tears. I felt so very very sad and disappointed... So misunderstood, like all my efforts to make her feel comfortable and somewhat happy are in vain... Like all my worries and fears are wasted energies and times best spent elsewhere...

I know mum's illness and discomforts are making her moody, and perhaps the drugs are pushing her over the edge. I'm not saying she's become nuts, but for the last half an hour or so just before she laid down to sleep, she scolded me for this and that, faulting me for many things that I have done wrong and good enough.

I cannot blame her, I cannot get angry... In fact I'm so saddened that she is becoming this way. Thinking about it, about the possibility that perhaps she'll just get even worse as her illness progresses saddens me even more...

She faulted me first of all for buying the wrong size of strap to protect her stomach wound. It's too tight, she said causing her much discomfort and itchiness. She accused me of not consulting her when I make purchase and that I impose my will on her. I only bought the one I thought would fit her, for she has lost so much weight over the span of six weeks...

Next came the accusation that the massage oil I bought her last week smells bad, and this she told me this after I applied it to her arms and legs to tonight, perhaps a week since I began the routine of massaging her feet before sleep, thinking the lavender scent will help her sleep easier. It's not the smell she wants, she said, and she's just been putting up with it for all these days... All I wanted was to make her sleep better, to take away some of her sores and discomforts...

Then she faulted me for the fact that my brother and his family are coming back next week too spend some time with her. She says it's against her wishes, and that it's a waste of time for them to come back. "Why now? They showed me such disrespect before on Europe! Why now at the very end?!" All I wanted is to let her spend more time with her grandson... All I wanted was to give my brother (and sister-in-law) a chance to reconcile and spend some moments again together...

And she faulted me again for raising questions about the surgery and about inserting the NJ tube. "Can't you see what a little morphine can do to me? And you want me to go into hospice care?!" But I just wanted her to see the risks, to consider the fact there exist options out there... and did we not already do the surgery and insert the NJ tube, so where's the problem?

She even accused me of telling people that she's going crazy and accusing me of talking behind her back and complaining about her to the monk in the mountains and to a friend I've not even spoken to in maybe two months... I've not done any such thing! In fact I've not been talking to my friends much, and have been trying to insulate them from details of how difficult the situation here is... In fact, all I say to the monk or anyone else is how mum's condition is, and how concerned I am about her wellbeing...

I was angry, and so heartbroken by mum's accusations and sudden outbursts. "Fine, I'll stop doing all those things that I did so wrong. Fine, I have been so wrong and did so many things to anger you..." I was hurt, and so close to just bursting out in tears... I felt so alone in the world, so very, very alone...

Why is it that the people you love and care about most can say things to hurt you and disappoint you the most? I realise again this feeling of being wronged, of being so misunderstood-- feelings I had with my ex a couple of months back. Feelings I now am having with my own mother... Perhaps the "problem" is me: I care too much what other people say or think. I was to please people, but instead invite their wrath and annoyance. I was reminded of what the tarot card reader told me: I often do so much, too much, for other people, and yet at the end of the day, I will become very hurt and disappointed by their response. How true, and how painfully true that this is even the case with mum...

I apologised to mum. Yes, I've been moody at times. Yes, I may be thick skinned and want to do things my way thinking it's best for the other person. Yes, I'm careless sometimes and make mistakes. Yes, yes, yes, and I'm sorry. What else could I do but apologise? I raised my voice to argue in the beginning, but at one point I just didn't see the point. Why provoke her even more? Why torment her even more?

I put her to bed, arranged her blanket and wiped a bit of her massage oil off with a wet cloth. I was annoyed, and just wanted to sit in the corner and collect my mind, my hurt and painfully disappointed mind that was so taken aback by the sudden and dramatic turn of events, and by mum's outbursts and anger.

"Maybe it's time for self-reflection. Maybe I shouldn't be doing so much to annoy you and cause you much trouble..."

I had a thought, an ugly thought. I must be selfish, more selfish and focus on my own life, my own wellbeing, my own happiness. I can't ever please others, for there will ways be something to say, something to criticise. But I can't say much if I just go and do my own things, live my own life away from the very people you think are so close and dear to you, and yet with angry exchanges and sudden outbursts can leave you wondering why you have invested so much time and energy on them for.

Time to stop doing others a favour, time to do myself a favour, and live free from all this.