Vomit

Happily, I rushed to the hospital thinking I've made something mum can finally enjoy after so long of not eating. Earlier, for lunch, I made her what she requested: egg fried rice with smoked salmon and chopped onions ad carrots. She ordered it, and I delivered it. Imagine my joy when she finished half a rice bowl of my fried rice, and even a few small slices of wax-apple and loquat!

Yesterday, the nurse came in and provided us with a list foods mum can now eat. The focus is on foods that are not too acidic (dairy and red meat are no-no...) and low in fibre, so that the intestines and digestive system can get used to digesting and expelling excrement after such a long break. Also a low-fibre diet can give the intestines time to repair and get used to the flow of things.

So for dinner I made fish soup, as recommended by the nurse, for fish is high in protein-- which mum needs for repairing her cells after surgery. And I cooked her some soft greens, a soft boiled egg, and noodles and added a bit of tea-tree oil, which is very good for lubricating the digestive system.

She took a bite of the noodles, and the smell of the tea-tree oil made her gag. She continued eating, because she did not want to disappoint me after I cooked her and excitedly brought food to her, but within minutes she was gagging and choking. Her stomach could not get used to the taste. Se gagged and choked for a while, and with each sound, each contorted facial expression, my heart ached... I was upset she could not eat what I made hr, but even more upset she was sort of forcing herself to eat because she did not want to disappoint me. "Why would you put your body through something like that? Why would you keep on eating if you didn't feel well with the first bite?!"

I cleared away the bag of vomit, and she leaned back on the armchair and looked so tired and deflated...

We are still not in the clear yet...

Sleep

Am I too tired or too depressed? I've been sleeping so much in the past two when I'm not doing anything...

I still get up and go see mum at the hospital, but as soon as I return, I sleep. Sleep and don't feel like doing anything else but close my eyes and sleep... I am very tired, perhaps from the accumulated bad sleep whenever I had to sleep at the hospital throughout the past month. But I guess deep down I'm also very down, very, very down and often feel I want to "escape" somehow from all of this...

I hope this is all just a phase, and soon I'll be able to find strength and will again to do things.

Support?

I cooked some fish soup and dry noodles and vegetables and headed to the hospital. It was the second time today, the first time being lunch time. As I left, my brother was snoring, for he had fallen asleep.

I let him rest, thinking he needs I to get over the jetlag, and thinking also he'd join me later at the hospital. After eight or so, I got a call from him saying he's not coming tonight.

"I'm too tired..." he said. OK.

But so am I. I know he has jetlag, and I know before I said nobody can expect him (or my sister-in-law for that matter) to be present at the hospital most of the day. But really, I was upset he did not even bother to come to the hospital to see mum, even though we live only around 15minutes away from the hospital, on foot. And earlier when he visited, he stayed for less than an hour (granted, my nephew was becoming restless, and my brother decided to take him home...)

To think when I first arrived back here, I did not even have the time to get over jetlag. It was almost a full day after i landed until I managed to go home and shower. I was back at the hospital two hours later. Imagine how tired I was then... And how tired I am now, three months (and counting...) later.

Mum shook her head when she spoke on the phone to my brother. I knew what she was thinking. And later she said: "I can tell whether he has heart or not..." Meaning whether his mind is fully into being here and being with mum, or whether he's halfheartedly here just for the sake of being here.

Perhaps my brother really is very tired. I can never know how it is to have a baby who cries and needs content attention. I can never know how tiring it is to be in his shoes, to have to lug seven suitcases and so much baby accessories and travel so far around the world. And I can never know what it feels like to have obligations towards his own family and towards mum. Perhaps as they say, once you get married, your heart lies elsewhere... Perhaps he really is tired, and I should not be too harsh on him.

But in all honesty, I am more upset by the fact that he seems (till now) to have done so little to spend time with mum, and when he does he sits there and taps away on hid phone playing games... I am not so much upset that he's not doing much to relieve me of my tasks, but that actually by being here and doing very little (so far) he's actually upsetting mum and making her
very disappointed at his behaviour. In a way, the way he's now, his aloofness and handsoff-ness to everything is exactly as mum had predicted before he arrived.

I just hope my brother will change soon, or otherwise his plan of spending three months here with mum may have to be cut short, and may do more damage to mum's condition than good...

True love...

Being with mum for so long, taking care of her in whatever little ways I can, visiting her at the hospital and staying by her side night after night made me realise something. Love. The meaning of true, unconditional love and devotion.

Whereas most people fall in love and start throwing around those magical words "I love you", how many actually realise what they are saying? Are they in love with the person because of the physical appearance? Because of the sexual pleasures? Because of money, prestige, benefits, or because they are just used to having someone around and afraid to be alone? If it is any of these, then that love cannot last... The physical will fade, the sexual pleasures will diminish with time without true and deep passion and true and deep feelings. And there will always be someone richer, more famous, more influential, more fun and better in whatever ways if you get bored and your heart begins to wander looking for something exciting and new to replace the old and mundane....

But true love means so much more. It is based on more than just the physical. It is more than just saying you love someone because you cannot bear to lose the happiness that person can give you. True love is because there is a deep bond between two people, far deeper and far more meaningful than any other bond you could ever develop with anyone else. True love is irreplaceable. True love means that you are willing to grow old with the person, willing to be with the person no matter what disease or disability should strike them in the future. You would not be afraid if the person should lose all mobility, your heart and mind will not stray if the other person should depend on you for their most basic needs. Nothing you do for the other person would be too strange, too perverse, too disgusting, too unnatural. Not even having to wipe the other person's bottom, not even having to carry or wheelchair someone around...

Is there is one thing I learned from being with mother as she is slowly getting weaker and losing her ability to do so many things we take for granted, I realise what it is I look for, what it is that I have always longed for in a relationship...

I need more than someone I can turn to and talk to when I am down and upset. I need more than someone I can laugh and laugh out loud and joke around. For I have friends who can fulfil that role. I need someone I can trust, fully, completely no matter what. I need someone who will be there for me no matter what, someone who will not be afraid to look at me, not be afraid to touch me, kiss me, hold me, even if I were to become disfigured, even if I were t lose my health and should disease eat away my looks and rot away my body. I need someone who will accompany me till the end (if I should go first...), and who will be by my side to soothe my pains and fears.

Because I know I have it in me to give someone all of that. Because I know with the experience of my mum, I am prepared and able to do all of that. And I wish for nothing less, nothing more...







相信愛 Believe in love  
 林育羣 Lin Yu Chun (the boy who famously covered Whitney's I will always love) you"
(translation mine)

Can [we] not hug one another?
Is it alright if we hold hands?
Love makes the world happy and warm,
You can feel it,
Baby Love is so easy.
Please believe, I love you.
There is no need for language, for I understand you.
We softly smile and breathe deep, deep (lying in my embrace breathing)
Love is so easy,
If there is love then there is a miracle.
So, love is as easy as breathing deeply (Hopefully our hearts can get even closer)
Believe in love,
Love is a safe harbour, [is] the most trustworthy thing you can lean on.
Believe me, my good friend,
You do not need be disheartened, the rain and the winds will accompany you as you struggle
Love is courage and hope.

Love is so easy,
Hold my hand,
Love is you and me,
Embrace me…

Massage

The corner of mum's eyes were moist. She looked at me from her bed, her skin a little yellow from jaundice (yellowing of the skin, due to prolonged use of IV nutrients she has been administered...)

She said something. It was so weak and almost inaudible, so I asked her to repeat herself. I think I heard "I will miss you...", but I could not be sure. Mum did not repeat herself. But what I heard made me almost tear, because she said it in a way as if she is about to leave soon...

"You have done too much, and more than a child ever should, and I am so grateful..." she said. Again, there was that unmissable moisture in the corners of mum's eyes.  I tried to say something to divert the conversation, because I was so embarrassed and lost as what I should say in response. But mum continued: "You have made it all worthwhile..." I struggled so hard to contain my tears... I have only done what I could, and sometimes I lose my temper and get angry and frustrated at her in the process... I have only done what I can, and sometimes I know I push her and force her to do things, even though she says she is too weak and too frail to do them...

I touched mum's arm and began to massage it. She looked at me and closed her eyes, and quietly smiled.

Later, when brother visited, I proposed to give mum a massage together. Brother took one leg, while I took another, and when we were done with the legs and the feet, we started on the hands and arms. It was then that brother saw and realised for the first time how thin, how bony mum had become.

 It was the first time that brother got so close to mum, the first time, I believe, that he touched mum so intimately and for so long. He looked at how I rubbed lavender lotion onto mum's legs and arms and gently massaged the  lotion in. And he followed my motion, rubbing and massaging, not just mum's limbs, but I am sure also mum's heart. I was so happy, for unlike before, he did not look at me and frown when I asked him to massage mum. I think seeing mum like this, all the mental barriers came down, all the embarrassment and pride vanished. .Seeing your own mother so weakened and so frail, you cannot but feel compassion and the need to want to do something, anything, to alleviate her discomforts and pain. And brother sees it too, brother is human too, and he knows, just as I wanted it, that there are things that he can do to try and make mum more comfortable and feel cared about.

It was such a touching moment, and I wished I could remember that moment, just the three of us, forever and ever. I suspect mum will remember that moment forever and ever. "What greater pleasure is there to have both your sons massage you?" I joked, "Just enjoy it!"

Your own happiness

(Liberty Times)

"You always expect someone else to give you something.

Maybe it's a praise, maybe it's a gift, maybe it's a smile, maybe it's a relationship.

Ultimately, you always expect to get self assurance from something someone gives you.

When you don't get it, you're moody and unhappy; after you get it, you feel like something is missing.

Darling, you know something? No matter whether you get it or don't get it, expecting something from someone will definitely give you suffering, because that is giving away your right to happiness.

What someone can give you, someone can also take back.

So, other than yourself, who is your source of happiness?

So, darling, don't expect to get anything from another person.

When you don't expect others to make you happy, you can get real happiness."

Disappointing?

I got a phone call from my aunt asking about how long my brother was at the hospital yesterday. Why is that an issue? Mum said he only visited briefly, and left in the evening, whereas I stayed the night to be with her. Why is this even an issue?

Because mum and my aunt feel my brother and my sister-in-law should be doing more. Now that they are back, they should relieve me and give me time to rest and time to study or do what I would like to do. I feared that there would be grumblings, as even before they returned, mum on several occasions scoffed at the fact that they are coming back to "take care of her". She scoffed, because in the past, they did very little for her or to make her comfortable when she visited them in Europe. So she is not really receptive of the fact that they have come back here, even though I told her that she must give them a chance. "Do you want [brother] to live the rest of his life with regret?" I told her many times. Meaning, if he never had the chance to spend time with her and 'take care' of her, then he may feel such pain and regret should mum pass away.

I stayed behind last night because brother just returned from Europe and is still suffering jetlag. In a few days, when he is better, he can spend some nights at the hospital if it is necessary. Besides, he has a kid to take care of, so people really cannot expect everything  of him. 

In the coming days, I will slowly back off from caretaking and allow my brother and sister-in-law to take over. I told mum already not to expect anything, and not to compare. Without sounding pompous or anything, I know I do a lot for mum and a lot of what I do brother probably is not sensitive or caring enough to do. But I told mum that does not matter. We are different people, and he care show his care and affection in his own way. There are things that he can give mum that I cannot. "He gave you a grandchild. Look at the way you smile when you see your grandchild!" I know I cannot give mum that, at least not immediately. But my brother can give her that, and that is his greatest contribution.

So today when they brought food to the hospital for lunch, I stayed home. I do not need to be there. They can go and figure things out for themselves, and hopefully dispel talk of being useless and disappointing. They need their time alone. And I need time alone too...

Self confidence

(Liberty Times)

"Darling, you say you love yourself very much, is that true?

If you always self-pity, shame yourself, are used to self depreciation, then it is not loving yourself.

If you always are proud of yourself, self-centred, are uses to putting yourself larger than you are, then it is not loving yourself either.

Loving yourself is knowing you are the one and only, not better than anyone else, and not like anyone else. Loving yourself is not comparing yourself yo any other.

Darling, accept the true you without condition. Understanding how to love yourself then you can have real self confidence"

Sleepless...

Can't sleep. So many thoughts, so much chatter inside my head...

How I wish I could talk to someone, someone I trust, someone I can talk to without feeling or fearing that s/he is going to report back to my ex... How I wish I could turn to someone and have a good laugh, have a good cry, and be told that everything will pass.

Because I truly need that more than anything right now... For every day is a repetitive and testing ordeal of being so tired and having to shuttle between home and hospital...

Youth

"You are only young once. Don't let your youth go by..."

Someone told me that before. I never really thought about it until today when A character in a movie said it. And it somehow struck me, and made me wonder...

Will I one day wake up and feel so angry and bitter that I've let my youth go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much of my youth dreaming and longing, but let the days and years go by? Will I one day wake up angry and bitter that I've spent so much time at my mother's side and not out enjoying myself and living my own life?

I hope I will not be bitter and angry, that I can look back and smile and have no regrets.

I hope one day someone I love can tell me "You have lived a full youth, you have done so much in your youth you should be proud of..."

Talk with the doctor

The doctor came around the usual time of a little past seven in the morning. He greeted mum, and asked her the usual questions of how she has been doing, what she has eaten and how much she excreted. It's important to keep track of all that goes in and comes out.


Before he turned to leave, he gestured to me and mouthed to me to follow him. Just me. "We never talked about what happened during the operation last week, did we?"

No, we didn't. I am anxious to know, but for several days, even till today, I was/am so worn born the tension building up to the surgery that all I needed to know was whether mum could eat again.

The doctor led me to a room and sat down at a computer. The bypass surgery was a success, and they managed to do what they set out to do, which is reroute the intestines so that mum can ingest food and drink again. The vomiting and diarrhea is normal in the beginning, and should with time subside and disappear once mum's bowels get used to the redirected flow through her body. After all, the body has been used to the "natural" flow for so many decades, and asking it to get used to a change of course takes time.

The good news is that the situation is not as severe as they suspected inside (but, still it is severe. The spread of cancer always is ...). The cause of mum's vomiting is not a recurrence in the colon, as diagnosed earlier, for the colon is very 'clean' still, even six years after her initial diagnosis and operation to remove part of the colon. The problem lies in the duodenum, the beginning section of the small intestines. The doctor showed me a power point presentation of mum's case, for it has been discussed by a number of doctors including one from internal medicine. One slide contained a picture of mum's belly with an incision. In the opening, a bundled mass of pink and red came out (WARNING: graphic pictures of what the image looked like). There was a bit around 15cm or so which the doctor pointed to and said was the 'infected' part of the duodenum.

The doctor said that section is removable. They did not do it during the last procedure for the risks associated with it is high, and they could not perform the removal when she was in a terrible condition (she still is very frail...). The doctors recommend that after mum's health is stable that perhaps she can undergo treatment to remove the cancerous part of the duodenum.

"Another surgery..." I thought to myself. Just when we thought it has finished, the doctor came back with news of another possible surgery. There is a reason why he only told me, and has not told mum yet. For it is probably too much of a shock just after one surgery to let the patient in on the possibility of another surgery coming up. It was already a shock to me, and made me rethink my plans in the coming period, and over the coming year. I thought I could make plans to go back to my own life and start pursue my dreams again, but one talk, and a lot of my imaginations and plans are now on shaky grounds..

It will be a risky operation, but if removed, then at least that bit of the body will be rid of a major source of cancer. "Fifty-fifty..."

"What do you mean by that?"

"The chance of survival if removed. " Thus the same chance, same risk if not removed.

I asked how long we need to consider this, and whether he could give us an idea of how quickly or badly the cancer will grow and spread. As expected, there was no time.

I went back to mum's room and she was of course curious why I was called out.

"Oh, the doctor said your surgery went well, and the situation is better than expected..." I held my self. I dared not look mum in the eyes for long. I felt like I was betraying her, lying to her by not immediately telling her the truth.

Forgive me mum, I need time to figure out how... I need time to process it myself and time to build up the strength to tell you in so many words so as not to scare you or disappoint you...

Pain

"Is she in a lot of pain?"

Did my colleague mean the kind of pain that cancer patients feel at the end, at the very end? The kind of pain that goes to your bones and grips your senses that can cause you to uncontrollably moan and groan, and wish you were dead. Is that what my colleague meant?

I hesitated before answering. How could I know for real? How could i ever know if mum is in pain or not, especially as she often has the ability to "bear" with it, to swallow all her pain and discomforts so as not to bother anyone... I get so angry when I find out she's been in a lot of pain or discomfort but does not tell anyone. Why would you do that? For whom is she suffering and bearing the pain?
How can I ever answer on her behalf whether she is in pain or not, and how much pain?

"I think she is. She feels sores. But I don't know whether she's in a lot of pain..."

Return

Finally, the day of my brother and his family's return has arrived, and I spent a few hours preparing the house for their arrival in the afternoon. It was a clear evening, very hot and humid for a change. I made my way to the airport, and was excited to see my nephew again. It's only been two weeks, but it seems like everyday he's changing, everyday he's learning new "moves" and new ways to be cute.

Perhaps they are all tired from having flown almost half way around the world (and lugging no less than seven suitcases, not even counting the baby buggy and car seat...). It was a quite ride back into the city and home. With barely half an hour to rest, my brother and I made our way to the hospital to see mum, hoping she did not go to sleep yet.

Mum was of course excited to see my brother, and she smiled and smiled seeing him, though she kept on telling him to go home and rest. Brother hasn't seen mum close up for two months, and I think seeing her in the state she is in now surprised and silenced him (or perhaps he is just not very expressive and doesn't know what to say or do to show his care...?) He sat down next to mum's bed, and just sat and asked the "usual questions": how have you been? Have you been eating? etc...

 Perhaps I am too "demanding", and I cannot judge how someone behaves... but I wish brother could be more expressive in action. A stroke of mum's arm, a touch of her legs or feet, anything that comprises of a human touch can mean so much! But my brother just sat there and listened to mum describe how she has been. I lightened the mood a bit and in a funny way tried to capture how mum was sleep talking and how she managed to pull out her NJ tube the other day (even though at the time it caused me quite a scare....) And I joked mum is eating like my nephew, mostly liquids, and that she began to eat shredded bits of apple. Another way mum is like my nephew (though this is a bit dark kind of humour...) is that she has to wear diapers in the evening, just in case...

It was a short visit, for it was already half past ten at night. We walked home, and on the way brother asked me more questions... about how mum "really" is, about whether the doctor said anything about her other organs and the spreading... I didn't know what to answer him, except to tell him it is good that mum can drink a little already, and that she is not vomiting so much (though, in the early evening, she vomited another bagful, which was very painful to see again, for it has been almost ten days that mum has not vomited....)

I was very tired to reply... So tired for some reason. Not only did I sleep terribly last night, but I think I am also so tired of having to talk about mum's condition and all that has happened over the past two months. I know my brother is anxious to know, anxious to know details, but I am just so tired, at least at this very moment, to describe it all and go into details. Frankly, because it is depressing, it is so heavy to talk about... And to be honest, I have fears seeing mum have severe diarrhea and also  vomit so much (or was it just a one-off this evening??) that the surgery was perhaps a failure. If it is, what then? What then...? When can she go home? Mum was talking so hopefully that she can go home soon, but can she really if she continues to vomit and have bad bouts of diarrhea?

I don't know. But at least brother and his family are home. And it is comforting to see that. Comforting and beautiful to see that he and his wife are around, to see how supportive and important it is to have someone dear in your life to be with you at a difficult period of your life. And even better, even more beautiful is seeing my baby nephew again...

Where am I?

(Liberty Times)

"Sometimes when you are lost in thought while you're driving or walking on the road, and you wake up,
you do not know where you are at that moment

At that very moment, it is as if you have lost the meaning of self, you have a feeling of being confused and alone, as if you are surrounded by a thick fog.

Where am I? Where am I? In life, there are inevitably moments like this, everything around you looks so foreign, and you feel so helpless.

No matter how bleak and lost everything is before your eyes, all you have to remember, you are a free spirit, a child of the universe. No matter where you are, you are ultimately still in the embrace of Mother Universe, you are ultimately loved, safe, and so there is nothing to worry about.

Darling, if you know who you are, no matter where you are, you will never lose your way..."



----

"I
Live in a lost and confused world,
Turn around in circles in an uncertain direction
Embark on journey without a destination
Confusion, worry slowly, slowly conquers my heart..."

Diarrhea

I went to see mum as soon as I submitted my thesis, and it was already past noon.

She was using the mobile toilet when I walked in, so I waited behind the curtain for her to be done. The carer helped her back onto her bed, and I saw mum for the first time today. She looked so tired, so very tired, and in worse shape than even before the surgery.

"Eight times diarrhea last night..." mum said weakly. She lay there, her body, arms and legs mangled in a twist. It's good that she can drink liquid foods, but it a lot of it just comes right out, then how much of it is absorbed?

I sat on her bed and massaged her feet and her hands. "It's been so hard on you..." I said. First so much vomiting, then so much waiting in the hospital for surgery, and now diarrhea... When will it stop? When can mum go home again...?

Letter

 With my brother and his family due to return tomorrow, I took some time to write to them.
It was a brief email, but the point was to remind them of how mum's condition has been, and to tell them that mum may be moody, mum may be sad, mum may even lose her temper and be very demanding... but she is still our mother, I wrote, and we have to be more compassionate and understanding, especially given the pain, frustrations and discomforts she has been going through (and still is going through...) for so long now due to her illness. Without trying to be or wanting to be condescending, I wrote reminding my brother, sister-in-law (and nephew!) the reasons why we are together for the coming period, and what we can do for mum:

To spend precious time with mum, to talk to her so that she will have no regrets or no anger,  to let her see and play with her grandchild...
We can let her feel that life is meaningful, we can make her remember that she can still enjoy life, go travel, and do whatever she would like to do...
We can remind her of the many places she has been to, remind her of all the wonderful things she has done in the past. We can encourage and support her so that she can find purpose in living again and make the most of her days.
We may not be able to cure her illness of take away all her discomfort and pains, but we can distract her and make her feel happy, maker her smile.
These are perhaps the best gifts we can offer her as children. 

I just hope they will be understanding and that the coming period will be a meaningful and memorable one, for mum, and for all of us.

Submitted

Click!

No turning back now...

Home alone...

Mum has not been home for three weeks now, in fact I don't think she left the eleventh floor in all that time...

I come home every day, sometimes just for a quick shower, sometimes to just nape a few hours. Sitting here tonight working, it dawned on me how quiet it is here, how very empty this house is without mum here... I know my brain thinks too much, but this is how it feels like, isn't it? This is the feeling when mum is no longer around...

Emptiness yet surrounded by mum's belongings, mum's clothes, mum's everything in her life. She will come back home sometime, I just don't know when.

But there will be a day when she will leave this home permanently, and there will be a day when she will no longer return, and that I will have to get used to this emptiness at home.

Thesising

Last few hours working on my thesis before I finally make a submission.  I feel energised, and would really like to finish it tonight, whatever length of time it takes. Going through everything again and trying to pick out spelling errors and simplify sentences takes time and effort. At times, I am even surprised I wrote this, and wonder how I even managed to put all this together coherently, even being away and distracted for so long.

Ironically, I made the finishing touches to my previous thesis here at home in Taiwan too.
Perhaps working here at home brings me luck... Luck to do something "quietly brilliant" and make myself and my mum proud!

Horrible dream

I was sleeping and it happened while I was sleeping. Only a few metres away I was, and I "let" it happen.

Only later did mum say something happened at night. I was horrified, absolutely disgusted, absolutely ashamed, because I know what it feels like to be violated. Again and again. And mum could not resist, for she was too weak and bound to the bed. Her arms had no strength to resist... And it happened again and again.... I let it happen again and again...

I was shocked awake by the dream, the horrible, horrible dream... How could my brain, my tortured mind, come up with such stories and fantasies? Why am I even imagining these terrible, terrible scenes and occurrences?

Horrible, horrible dream, at three in the morning...

Confusion

It is scary... to be told, in different ways, how much I mean to someone's life. Scary, because it may just be a fantasy. Scary, because it may be words being said because the person saying it believes those are things I want to hear.

My ex has been trying hard to reach me, but I do not respond much. He helped a mutual friend fly here to visit me, and I also heard that he is planning to send another friend to see me, this time all the way from Canada. I don't know what my ex is doing, why he is going through so much trouble sending people to check up on me. It's scary, because previously I thought I could talk to these mutual friends, but now I cannot any more. All my friends are also his friends, and now I feel there is no one I can turn to or talk to without news of me reaching my ex. For a while I thought I could contact a few people I could still trust, but now it feels like everything I say is being reported back to my ex...

Why do I not want my ex to hear from me? Because he does not need to be constantly thinking about me or worrying about how I am doing. Because he confuses me, and he confuses other people by his behaviour. As far as I know, he is in a relationship, and yet he continues to write me telling me how much he misses me, how he is counting the weeks without seeing me... and last time he wrote a series of emails professing his deep love for me.

What I simply cannot understand is why he is still thinking of me so much. I asked him that on the phone about two weeks ago. "Let go of me! Forget me!" I told him. That's what he wanted to do, and he has entered into a relationship perhaps with that purpose in mind. Because why else would any one enter a relationship if you have not forgotten the ex? Why else would you even cause all that hurt and give another person false expectations and heart-break if you know deep down inside you cannot let go of some one in the past? Why would any one enter a new relationship with so many unresolved feelings? Why would you even be in a relationship and still try so hard to reach the ex and keep on sending the ex gifts? It's bizzare, and dishonest. I really wonder how much my ex's new boyfriend knows what he is doing...

These are things that baffle me, and also baffle our mutual friends of my ex and me, who are equally confused and stunned by my ex's behaviour. Not that I have been talking behind his back, but just from what I hear, and what little I know of developments since I left Canada three months ago, it seems like once I was gone, he began to introduce his new boyfriend to everyone that I know. As if to replace me, as if to say "the old one is gone, here's the new one"! Very insensitive and selfish behaviour, as friends have said to me.

I cannot judge what my ex is doing or is trying to do. Only he can explain what he is up to, for he is the one who has to live with a divided heart and having to placate the feelings of two people in his life. As far as I am concerned, I am out of his life, I have removed myself and restricted myself from being drawn back into his life so that he can move on, so that he can go and be happy with his new found love. That is the reason why I do not wish to have much contact with him, as much as it pains me, as difficult as it is for me. That is the reason I am scared and baffled by his advances and his continuous attempts to reach me and connect with me.

Because I am only a distraction to him, only someone in the way of him starting a relationship with someone new. He should not be looking back and longing for what he has lost. He cannot have everything, cannot want to have everything, because in the end he will end up with nothing.

Resumption of liquids

Mum made a noise like she was about to vomit, and her face puffed. I was distressed by that sight, for the doctor finally gave her the go-ahead to start taking in liquid nutrition orally.

"Just joking!" she said with a smile. I was fooled. Fooled but happy that she could start drinking again, for it would make a great difference to her energy levels, and reverse her weight loss. Whereas she was 43kg when she was admitted three weeks ago, today she weighed 47kg. And this is just from IV drips, so imagine how being able to eat will improve her health.

Excitedly, I began to talk about brother and his family's impending return. Perhaps prematurely. "Let's plan a trip! Let's go around the island and stay a few days on the eastern coast!" The eastern coast of the island is an untainted paradise made up of the ocean and mountains. 

A few moments later, mum gagged and vomited.

 It was not a joke.

Diapers

Last night, mum called me and I got up, but not in time. When I reached her, she could not hold it in any more, and she excreted in her pants.

Mum was very embarrassed, and I felt so bad. It was really within a matter of half a minute, which was really not enough to get mum out of bed and into the washroom... I drew the curtain and gave mum some wet wipes to clean herself up while I quickly went to get a clean hospital gown.

Mum has been pooing for three days now, which is a good sign that her bowels are connected and things are passing through. But as she has not resumed eating, most of what comes out is fluid stomach liquid. And sometimes, I guess like in the case of bad diarrhoea you cannot really predict, let alone control, the... flow.

So the carer suggested to get some diapers, at least for the night time when she (or I!) cannot get to the washroom quick enough.

I tried it on, and it felt so strange. It's not that mum's become incontinent, but still, it's strange to know that she'll be wearing diapers, something I associate with patients who have really lost their mobility and senses.

I fiddled with the diaper around my legs. I know it's ridiculous and silly "Back to being a baby again? You miss those days?" mum joked. At least I got the effect I wanted, and that was to make mum laugh.

Opportunity

I saw an opportunity online, an almost too ideal position for me, especially given my linguistic background and interests. I almost immediately set about writing a cover letter and updating my CV. This was at five in the morning, when I was woken up by mum's groans of discomfort.

Later when she woke up, I excitedly told her about the opportunity. Perhaps she was too tired, for she slept poorly again last night. She showed very little interest, which really dampened my spirits. "Do what you think is good for you..."

I was very disappointed. At a time when I am muddling through, lost and down, I need support and encouragement, motivation and someone to tell me "You can do it! Go for it!" And I thought an opportunity like this would excite my mum, but she was lukewarm to the idea, which made me so very sad...

All these years, I have spent so much of my time being with her, hoping spending that extra time with her when she needs someone the most will make her feel better, stronger. I've let a number of opportunities go by, not only career-wise but also in potential relationships. I am not lamenting my life or how it has been because of mum's condition. But really, I just wish there could be more support, more enthusiasm when I have so often been afraid to commit to something because I have been so afraid that I may have to break my commitment to rush home in case, in case...

I'll just apply, and see how things go. I probably won't qualify for one important factor: I can't drive.

But I can try and apply anyways...

Dad on dream

Buy
Gift

Strange behaviour III

"So out o fashion (俗ㄅㄧㄚˋㄅㄧㄚˋ)..." mum suddenly said. It was four in the morning. Her voice made me wake up.

She was lying there, curled up in a foetal position, not even covered up by her blanket. She looked awake.

I approached her and asked her several questions.
"Are you alight?"
"would you like to get up and walk around a bit?"
"Would you like to use the washroom?"

There was no reply. Then she tried to ply herself up, a sign she wants to get out of bed, so I helped her. "baby... Baby..."

She sat there on the bed, looked around. "Who's going to take care of the baby? who's going take care of ye baby?" And she plopped herself back down on the bed, curled up and closed her eyes.

Strange behaviour II

I wasn't watching for two minutes, and the next moment when I saw her fidgeting wit something. I approached her, and saw re NJ tube had been pulled out by mum!

I was so worried, for for the last two hours or so mum has been behaving very strangely and saying strange things. At one point, she was trying to get up and out of bed, but she was swaying so much she almost fell. When I asked her what she wanted to do or where she wanted to go, she shook her head and laid back down again. I don't think she realises what she's doing...

And it's very worrying. I think I'll sleep on a chair next to her tonight...

Strange behaviour

I wasn't watching for two minutes, and the next moment when I saw her fidgeting wit something. I approached her, and saw re NJ tube had been pulled out by mum!

I was so worried, for for the last two hours or so mum has been behaving very strangely and saying strange things. At one point, she was trying to get up and out of bed, but she was swaying so much she almost fell. When I asked her what she wanted to do or where she wanted to go, she shook her head and laid back down again. I don't think she realises what she's doing...

And it's very worrying. I think I'll sleep on a chair next to her tonight...

Leaving in the morning

Never leave with anger, I've always told myself. And I try to do that. But this morning I left the hospital feeling very upset. I turned to look at mum, sitting there on her bed. A few moments earlier she told me repeatedly to go home, saying I'm not needed anymore. "Go home and think about your temper," she said.

Yes, my temper has been bad these days, made worse by frustrations when I ask her what is bothering her and she does not answer. And yesterday was the long angry exchange, where she listed all the things that I've done that are so wrong. Ok, I'll go home and reflect and repent. Really, all this time staying with her, all the things I do and not asking for anything in return, and mum bites back with all the things I do wrong or not good enough. Well, not good enough is the best her son can give her. Anything more, then she needs to hire a stranger and pay that person to provide what it is that mum needs.

I walked home, almost in tears. I wish I could be more patient, more compassionate, less angry whenever she scolds me or tells me to go and leave her. I wish I could be more tolerant and not be affected when she scolds me or talks to me in a angry and moody voice.

I must tell myself again and again, remind myself again and again, mum is unwell. She's feeling a lot of discomforts, she is not able to sleep well. And she's been starving for weeks. Of course she'll be frustrated, of course she'll pick on little things and make it a large issue. She is frustrated because before, for such a long time, she took care of me, and now the roles have dramatically reversed, and she feels terribly guilty that I am spending time being by her side, trying to take care of her every need. I imagine she ia angry and moody because she feels she's burdening me, slowing my life down....

I must be more compassionate, more forgiving, more understanding... I must not get angry at mum, must not shout back or be rude and hold a grudge. I must meet her anger and frustrations with equanimity and kindness.... I must not get swayed by heat-of-the-moment anger or moods.

I will swallow everything and turn whatever setbacks or scolding into more care, more love, more compassion to make sure mum is more comfortable as she goes through this physically and mentally difficult period of being ill...

Sleep talk

"Graduation... Wear [something] thicker..."

Again, almost as soon as mum fell asleep, she began to lightly snore and sleep talk. Often it's a mumble so soft I can hardly understand her. But it's somehow sad and funny to see her hallucinate and talk to emptiness...

Who or what is she seeing in her mind? Is it dad...? Is dad appearing before her eyes? Or is dad really here, right in this room, and only mum can see her in her hallucinogenic state? Without me realising, I again shed a tear.

I don't know why it makes me sad to see her like this. She seems to see me and hear me when I speak to her. But she also looks so lost and confused. "Go to sleep," I said as I stroked her forehead softly," "Please sleep well and fall asleep quickly. Nothin else is important..." It was a scene that somehow felt so familiar, but I am not there yet...

She moved her hand and seems to be drawing something. Her movements look like she's swiping an invisible touch screen. At one point she was tugging at her NJ tube, and I moved in to stop her and tell her to stop.

Randomly, more words and disjointed sentences came out of her mumbling lips.

"Photographs... Photographs..."

"Your own younger brother..."

"Only twenty years old and already killing..."

"If you discussed it, buy it..."

It really seemed like she was talking to dad at one point, and was describing her condition to dad. "Cancer blocked the stomach... Here for check up...." She smiled as she (sleep) talked, smiled so beautifully, smiles like there was not a worry in the world. Though it worried me to see her talk nonsense, seeing her sleep and smile touched me so, for she looked so peaceful, so at ease...

And it made cry, for again it felt so strangely familiar, but I know I am not there yet. I cried the reason only I know, and with time will perhaps be revealed.