Confusion

It is scary... to be told, in different ways, how much I mean to someone's life. Scary, because it may just be a fantasy. Scary, because it may be words being said because the person saying it believes those are things I want to hear.

My ex has been trying hard to reach me, but I do not respond much. He helped a mutual friend fly here to visit me, and I also heard that he is planning to send another friend to see me, this time all the way from Canada. I don't know what my ex is doing, why he is going through so much trouble sending people to check up on me. It's scary, because previously I thought I could talk to these mutual friends, but now I cannot any more. All my friends are also his friends, and now I feel there is no one I can turn to or talk to without news of me reaching my ex. For a while I thought I could contact a few people I could still trust, but now it feels like everything I say is being reported back to my ex...

Why do I not want my ex to hear from me? Because he does not need to be constantly thinking about me or worrying about how I am doing. Because he confuses me, and he confuses other people by his behaviour. As far as I know, he is in a relationship, and yet he continues to write me telling me how much he misses me, how he is counting the weeks without seeing me... and last time he wrote a series of emails professing his deep love for me.

What I simply cannot understand is why he is still thinking of me so much. I asked him that on the phone about two weeks ago. "Let go of me! Forget me!" I told him. That's what he wanted to do, and he has entered into a relationship perhaps with that purpose in mind. Because why else would any one enter a relationship if you have not forgotten the ex? Why else would you even cause all that hurt and give another person false expectations and heart-break if you know deep down inside you cannot let go of some one in the past? Why would any one enter a new relationship with so many unresolved feelings? Why would you even be in a relationship and still try so hard to reach the ex and keep on sending the ex gifts? It's bizzare, and dishonest. I really wonder how much my ex's new boyfriend knows what he is doing...

These are things that baffle me, and also baffle our mutual friends of my ex and me, who are equally confused and stunned by my ex's behaviour. Not that I have been talking behind his back, but just from what I hear, and what little I know of developments since I left Canada three months ago, it seems like once I was gone, he began to introduce his new boyfriend to everyone that I know. As if to replace me, as if to say "the old one is gone, here's the new one"! Very insensitive and selfish behaviour, as friends have said to me.

I cannot judge what my ex is doing or is trying to do. Only he can explain what he is up to, for he is the one who has to live with a divided heart and having to placate the feelings of two people in his life. As far as I am concerned, I am out of his life, I have removed myself and restricted myself from being drawn back into his life so that he can move on, so that he can go and be happy with his new found love. That is the reason why I do not wish to have much contact with him, as much as it pains me, as difficult as it is for me. That is the reason I am scared and baffled by his advances and his continuous attempts to reach me and connect with me.

Because I am only a distraction to him, only someone in the way of him starting a relationship with someone new. He should not be looking back and longing for what he has lost. He cannot have everything, cannot want to have everything, because in the end he will end up with nothing.