Leaving in the morning

Never leave with anger, I've always told myself. And I try to do that. But this morning I left the hospital feeling very upset. I turned to look at mum, sitting there on her bed. A few moments earlier she told me repeatedly to go home, saying I'm not needed anymore. "Go home and think about your temper," she said.

Yes, my temper has been bad these days, made worse by frustrations when I ask her what is bothering her and she does not answer. And yesterday was the long angry exchange, where she listed all the things that I've done that are so wrong. Ok, I'll go home and reflect and repent. Really, all this time staying with her, all the things I do and not asking for anything in return, and mum bites back with all the things I do wrong or not good enough. Well, not good enough is the best her son can give her. Anything more, then she needs to hire a stranger and pay that person to provide what it is that mum needs.

I walked home, almost in tears. I wish I could be more patient, more compassionate, less angry whenever she scolds me or tells me to go and leave her. I wish I could be more tolerant and not be affected when she scolds me or talks to me in a angry and moody voice.

I must tell myself again and again, remind myself again and again, mum is unwell. She's feeling a lot of discomforts, she is not able to sleep well. And she's been starving for weeks. Of course she'll be frustrated, of course she'll pick on little things and make it a large issue. She is frustrated because before, for such a long time, she took care of me, and now the roles have dramatically reversed, and she feels terribly guilty that I am spending time being by her side, trying to take care of her every need. I imagine she ia angry and moody because she feels she's burdening me, slowing my life down....

I must be more compassionate, more forgiving, more understanding... I must not get angry at mum, must not shout back or be rude and hold a grudge. I must meet her anger and frustrations with equanimity and kindness.... I must not get swayed by heat-of-the-moment anger or moods.

I will swallow everything and turn whatever setbacks or scolding into more care, more love, more compassion to make sure mum is more comfortable as she goes through this physically and mentally difficult period of being ill...