About two weeks ago, just after my ex called me on my birthday, he wrote me a series of emails. As I haven't checked my mail for such a long time, I only realised yesterday that he wrote declaring his true feelings for me, telling me how much he loves me, thinks of me, and how he always thought we are meant to be together...
It was all very touching, and I was moved, even drawn to the idea that perhaps we might have a future together. After all, the two months or so of no/ very little communication made him realise how much I really matter in his life, and he says he lives with a heavy burden of regret now he realises he loves me, has always loved me, and those feelings overshadow everything else...
I was touched, and my over-imaginative mind, which likes to dream and fantasise and paint beautiful pictures of "what may be" started imagining us back together again.. How beautiful that would be! Te chance to reconnect, to really discover what we mean to one another, a chance at a new future free from obstacles and clear of any doubts we have ever had about us being together.
I dreamed last night. My ex came to see me, and I was of course overwhelmed. We laughed and became very intimate very quickly, we connected and had fun like we have always managed to before... The kind of silly fun that only we seem able to have when we are together. At night, I proposed to go to a night market, he said he'd follow soon, and told me to go ahead. I waited and waited and looked out for him in the crowd. But he didn't show up. An hour or two passed, he still didn't show up.
Does he know where I am? I wrote him a text message, but there was no reply. Then my suspicion got the better of me. He is sneaking away to be on the phone, to call his "friend". My suspicion reminded me of what had happened so often in the past... He tells me one thing, says how much he cares about me and loves me, and yet he cannot let go of his friend.
How disappointed I was... What a fool I felt like realising I am perhaps again falling for my ex's sweet-talk, when all he wanted is to keep me as an option while he explored which person was better for his own sake. My intuition and suspicions are like my six sense... Perhaps I am too sensitive, overly sensitive, overly suspicious, but ever since our breakup last year in May, I have just become increasingly distrustful of my ex and do not take for granted what he tells me...
It was just a dream, but it tells me so much! How do I trust him again, if he genuinely feels remorse and regret at letting perhaps the best thing in his life go (or "giving it away" as he put it)? I have been so hurt by his behaviour and his words, especially those on the day of my departure when I last saw him in December, I am not sure what it will take to mend my broken hurt and shattered trust... But then again, the prospect of us getting back together, the possibility of starting fresh, tabula rasa with someone you already feel so much for, know so much about, seems like a beautiful, dream-like fantasy come true! Perhaps the events in our lives since our physical separation did manage to bring us closer together than ever before, did make us realise how much we mean to one another...
I just don't know, and am worried about committing again, because I was so hurt by allowing myself to commit and become so vulnerable, so dependent on one person. That has never happened, and it only happened with him, because he can touch me so, he can really comfort me so... Yet also hurt me so...
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