Fortune

There is an ancient text called Yi-Ching (the Book of Changes) which great visionaries and philosophers, like Confucius himself, used to predict... changes. Wars, disease, the rise and fall of empires and dynasties have been accurately portrayed by the text, which is often used in Taiwan as a means of fortune telling.

Superstition or myth, there are many who find comfort in predictions made by fortunetellers, and my mum is one of them. The other day I looked at her calendar and noticed she had an appointment planned I had no knowledge of. When I asked, she told me it was with the fortuneteller she has visited for almost two decades.

You can dissect everything that follows with a dose of suspicion or dismiss it all as a con. As soon as we entered, the man recognised mum and said he "saw" her a couple of days ago. He somehow remembered that mum has a problem in her intestines, and my brother lives in the Netherlands.

He began performing his art, tossed an amulet of some sort which had three ancient coins attached to the end into the air three times. Each time, the coins displayed a different pattern whenever they fell on the table, and he noted the patterns with a series of lines and dots.

"Ah..." he began. The fortuneteller spoke about mum's health, and how especially her upper portion (the head area) is very weak. "Too many thoughts and worries," he pointed out. He suggested mum get a brain scan, because there may be something wrong there. When I heard that, I thought about what the neurosurgeon who performed mum's CyberKnife treatment mentioned some weeks ago, about possible spreading to section C2, which is just below the lower part of the brain. Till now, mum has been reluctant to receive treatment, which the doctor recommends as preventative. If the suspected spread is indeed cancerous erosion of that part of the spine, it may be a matter of time till the cancer spreads to the brain...

The fortuneteller continued reading mum's future. "You should do what the doctor tells you. If he recommends surgery, then do it." What was not clear was whether he was referring to the spinal surgery, which mum has already undergone, or the follow-up CyberKnife treatment, which technically is not a "surgery" per se.

From the series of lines and dots he drew, the fortune teller wrote down a number of Chinese characters, all of which originate from The Book of Changes. Each stroke, each line represents a symbol, a character, which can be deciphered to elaborate or predict a narrative of events in the Universe, or in the life of a person based on the person's exact time, date, month and year of birth.

"There are many things on your mind. You worry too much!" he said. What worry, I have always wondered. What is it that makes mum look so glum and so depressed every single day? Nothing seems to make her feel good, nothing seems to cheer her up. Of course, being ill, being unable to eat and unable to sleep well has a heavy toll on your physical and mental state of wellbeing. But I have long suspected that there is something on mum's mind that she is not sharing with me. And if not with me, then she almost definitely will not share with any one else.

"You are too concerned with dying!" I looked at mum as he said that, and there was an expression of surprise on her face. Surprise, because she was so surprised that he spoke her mind. "Don't think too much about when you will go [euphemism for die]! This is something people have told you so many times, but you do not listen. Live happily! If you are really going to die tonight, as long as you are happy during the day, then at least you have lived happily!"

For a long time I thought mum has made peace with death, but apparently she has not. We have on several occasions had heart-to-heart talks about dying. I was always under the impression that with the teachings of Buddhism and books that align her bookshelf which deal with illness and death, she is able to face it all with calm and acceptance. But it seems death has been occupying mum's mind for a long time, and is weighing her down. I suspected it, but it never dawned on me how heavy a burden dying is on her mind... Is it every waking moment she thinks or worries about dying, or as she put it, her "flame fading"? Does she sit there in her chair and allow her mind and thoughts to drift to dying... when she will die, how she will die, how alone she may be when she does die, how painful and lonesome that moment of dying will be...?

Perhaps my greatest worry is mum's mental wellbeing, for if her mind is not well, how can her body ever get well? And more and more, I notice mum slide gradually into depression and withdraw from the world. That is a worrying phenomenon, something I can hope pray will change soon. Perhaps with the encouragements and warnings of the fortuneteller, mum will wake up and really start living, and stop worrying.

"What have you got to worry about? Your children are doing well. The more you worry, the less your health will improve. Stop worrying!" Mum looked a bit less troubled, and it seemed like her fears and worries were addressed by the man's words. She turned the conversation a little towards me, and asked about my career prospects.

The fortuneteller told me to to randomly flip through a little calendar and stop at three different dates. As I flipped through the calendar, he told me to quietly think about my career and where I want to be.
He noted the dates, and drew another set of strokes and dots.

"You have nothing to worry about your son," he said. He wrote down a number of words, then drew a trough-and-peak diagram, and at the very bottom of a trough he marked a dot. "This is where he is now. Things can't get any worse. He is stalled and cannot progress. But look, things can only get better! He will have a very successful career. You have nothing to worry about."

I looked at mum, with a look of "See, nothing to worry about! I told you so!" Prior to making this prediction, I told the guy nothing at all about myself or my life. He does not even know my name. And I doubt my mum called him up beforehand to tell him things about me or my life. Believe it or not, superstition or otherwise, I was surprised by the accuracy of how he described my life now.

I really am in a deep "recession" (perhaps worse than the economic crisis in the Euro-zone), and things cannot get any worse. My studies have stalled, my career prospects seem, well, there are no prospects to speak of at the moment. Much of this is due to my preoccupation with mum's declining health. I am not blaming her or circumstances, for this is my life, this is my fate, and I am, and have only ever been, trying to make the best of it all. It really is not because I like being in-between and staying at home doing nothing constructive. I have ambitions, I know I can do something with my life, I know I can contribute to this world and make it a little bit better. I know I can make a difference, and I want to make a difference. But now the only difference I can make is in mum's life, and that is what I have been focusing on more or less for the past couple of years. My own life, my own future... I know I should be more concerned and think more about what I want, but I really have put my own life in the background.

And I know, I have been telling myself things can only get better. The fortuneteller continued: "He will have lots of success. Things may be slow, he may not have much in the beginning. He will have to work hard and sow, but soon he will reap the benefits. Nothing to worry about."

For some reason, when he said that, I thought about the law exams I am aiming to complete. (In fact, just yesterday I registered for an exam due this coming May. Whether I will actually be able to sit it is another issue. But at least I am making steps to make it happen...) Qualifying for the bar has been on my mind for a while, and I promised myself last year when I began that in the immediate future, they are my priorities. It will be a long road ahead, I know. But when I think of it, what have I not accomplished when I set my mind to something? And even if it is a difficult road ahead, is anything as difficult as facing the illness of loved ones, and dealing with what I have been dealing with for so many years now? I want to qualify as a lawyer. I will qualify as a lawyer!

"This guy, his future is outside the country! What can he do here in Taiwan? He is best going abroad!" In a way, I have been curious myself whether I should be with mum and relocate. In a way, I am myself afraid of making a "wrong" decision and fear that if I give up everything and come back here, I will be miserable and live with great regret. In a way, I wanted to know too what is best for me. And inadvertently, without me asking, he told me the answer. I was relieved, because it was an answer I myself wanted to hear, an answer I myself feel so strongly drawn to, even though I have contemplated again and again whether I can, whether I should make that ultimate "sacrifice" (though that words sounds too grandiose and pompous... for doing something for someone you love and care about dearly, especially your parent, cannot really be called sacrifice, can it?) and relocate just to be with mum. Now I have my "answer". One that is settling and reassuring. Of course, this does not mean I can leave mum this time tomorrow, and I will not do that. I will still care, I will still come back to visit her whenever it is necessary. What the fortuneteller said gave me a sure sign, a confirmation from outside, that it is OK to go pursue your own life and ambitions, something I have always feared conflicts with my 'obligations' (again, another laden word that I am using for lack of a better one I can think of...) toward my own mother...

"With the way he treats you with love and devotion, the ancestors will watch over him..." I was so touched by his words, I had to hold back my tears. Can it be possible, that you are touched by the things that you do for others? Is it an unhealthy boost of self-ego to be touched by how someone praises you about what you do for your mother? I have never really asked for the ancestors for much, except to watch over my family, watch over mum's health. And it is reassuring to know they are with me, and watching over me always. It gave me a real boost of confidence, told me I could really go do anything and not be afraid. It filled me with such faith, such courage.

The conversation turned back to mum. "You have to get out more and move. Even for ten minutes a day, you still have to get out and move," the fortuneteller said. He warned her, the less she moves, the more she will lose mobility in her legs. That prospect was very difficult to digest, so I asked whether that is a certainty or just a possibility. "If you exercise more, you do not need to come to that. Get out more!"

"What about going abroad?" I asked, mindful that my own graduation is in June, and that it has always been a beautiful dream of mine to bring my family together in Canada to attend my graduation. "She is in no condition to travel far. An hour or so on the plane is alright, but how many hours is it to Canada?" Too many... I had feared this. Seeing mum's health deteriorate so rapidly over the span of the past month has greatly disheartened my hopes that she can make it to Canada to be at the day that perhaps matters the most in my entire academic life... I even have been thinking of coming back to fetch mum just to make sure she will be alright on the long, long crossing around the world. But the fortuneteller's words dashed my hopes... I know, there may still be hope yet, and mum may still recover her strength between now and June, in three months' time. But what was said disappointed greatly...

He continued prophesising about mum's life in the coming period "In the lunar month of July, you may even have difficulty standing up. September and December are going to be difficult months," he warned, again meaning the lunar months, which is around October and January of next year in the western calendar, "You have to be careful with your health." I made a mental note of those months.



"Just be happy! Don't worry too much about everything else. Get out more! Really, just be happy! Nothing else is important." With those words, our consultation ended.

Mum and I walked slowly away. Fortunetelling may not be able to provide all the answers. It may not necessary be the tell you all you want to hear and how to live your life. But in desperate times, they do provide a source of comfort and hope.