Massage

The corner of mum's eyes were moist. She looked at me from her bed, her skin a little yellow from jaundice (yellowing of the skin, due to prolonged use of IV nutrients she has been administered...)

She said something. It was so weak and almost inaudible, so I asked her to repeat herself. I think I heard "I will miss you...", but I could not be sure. Mum did not repeat herself. But what I heard made me almost tear, because she said it in a way as if she is about to leave soon...

"You have done too much, and more than a child ever should, and I am so grateful..." she said. Again, there was that unmissable moisture in the corners of mum's eyes.  I tried to say something to divert the conversation, because I was so embarrassed and lost as what I should say in response. But mum continued: "You have made it all worthwhile..." I struggled so hard to contain my tears... I have only done what I could, and sometimes I lose my temper and get angry and frustrated at her in the process... I have only done what I can, and sometimes I know I push her and force her to do things, even though she says she is too weak and too frail to do them...

I touched mum's arm and began to massage it. She looked at me and closed her eyes, and quietly smiled.

Later, when brother visited, I proposed to give mum a massage together. Brother took one leg, while I took another, and when we were done with the legs and the feet, we started on the hands and arms. It was then that brother saw and realised for the first time how thin, how bony mum had become.

 It was the first time that brother got so close to mum, the first time, I believe, that he touched mum so intimately and for so long. He looked at how I rubbed lavender lotion onto mum's legs and arms and gently massaged the  lotion in. And he followed my motion, rubbing and massaging, not just mum's limbs, but I am sure also mum's heart. I was so happy, for unlike before, he did not look at me and frown when I asked him to massage mum. I think seeing mum like this, all the mental barriers came down, all the embarrassment and pride vanished. .Seeing your own mother so weakened and so frail, you cannot but feel compassion and the need to want to do something, anything, to alleviate her discomforts and pain. And brother sees it too, brother is human too, and he knows, just as I wanted it, that there are things that he can do to try and make mum more comfortable and feel cared about.

It was such a touching moment, and I wished I could remember that moment, just the three of us, forever and ever. I suspect mum will remember that moment forever and ever. "What greater pleasure is there to have both your sons massage you?" I joked, "Just enjoy it!"