Random

It's nice to come home, and be appreciated. Especially after a long day at work, and a long, long time behind the computer writing and researching. It's so nice to open the door, and see a friendly face look at you and welcome you home.

Even if it's the cat's face.

Even if it's because she's hungry and waiting to be fed.

I guess things have been pretty alright lately... at least much better to how or what I felt a week or so ago. A few days ago I met my thesis supervisor, something I had been so dreading to do, and a meeting I had been postponing for almost two months...
But he was extremely positive and helpful, and commended me for my good work. Especially after he mentioned (twice!!) that we should consider publishing the work in a law journal!

Imagine... my name, my work and ideas in a law journal.... published and circulated all around the world...

A distant dream, perhaps. But all his feedback and ideas really gave me the boost of confidence I needed to continue on my thesis writing.

Besides that, a really close friend just last week moved to the city I live in, and we've been doing a lot of things together. Cooking, going to the beach (even if it was just once until now), having deep heart-to-heart talks, and just being there for one another and listening to one another. Sometimes it's really that simple. Sometimes it's all it takes to feel like you are appreciated, to feel like you're loved even. And being appreciated and loved are things I really long for.
But it's so difficult to find someone you can share life with, even though there are countless people always around you in the big city.

It's funny, because up until April I didn't really know this friend very well, and I only spoke to her once or twice at the library or briefly in the corridor. It was because of a project we were working on that we were brought together, and only then did we realise we had so much in common, and so much we could relate to. And I really need that, as a moral support, and someone to talk to.... especially now, I think, because every day I go to the office, and there's absolutely noone to talk to... and because most of my other classmates have all gone home... some never to come back anymore.

It's really a great feeling to find a friend... a true friend you know you can tell things to and know that you won't be judged. It's rare, especially in this day and age of fast friendships and on-the-surface-interactions between people. It's a great feeling to be able to be who you are, not have to act, and to feel utterly comfortable being just yourself, and to have that feeling given back in return. Even if it's just friendship, it feels so special, and warms my heart everytime I see or hear her.

She too will be leaving the country very soon, and at the back of my mind I already have doubts about seeing her go. But then, the consolation is that we met, better late than never, and that we shared so much together in the short time since we've known each other... and I look forward to more or the same in the coming weeks.

A bit of politics...

I've not written about politics for a while, partly because I've had so much other things to do, but this is one issue that really gets to me.

It may be boring, but this is something I'm been reading and writing about since I was young:
the issue of Taiwan! I was born there, and even though I only lived there a few years, I still few somewhat connected to that country. Basically, despite the fact it's a fully functioning country in every way possible, it is not recognised by most states in the world as a state. So it is not allowed to join the UN or any international organisation in which Statehood is a requirement.
A gross violation of international law and denial of the rights of the people of Taiwan to representation and security.

The following are things I wrote a few days ago and published elsewhere:

You may or may not (probably the latter) have seen this headline on BBC News a few days ago.

Poor little Taiwan knocking at the doors of the UN once again, and most certainly will be turned away and ignored like the international pariah it is. It's not the first time, and definitely will not be the last. With China wielding the veto power on the Security Council, and insisting that Taiwan is "an inalienable part of the motherland", chances of China ever approving Taiwan's membership is less than nihil.

By any objective standard, Taiwan is a sovereign and independent State, with a properly functioning government, 23 million inhabitants, identifiable territory, and also has the ability to engage in international relations. It is probably the most democratic and politically stable country in Asia, supported by a thriving economy and society. But, alas, it is openly shunned by the rest of the world like the plague, all because of China's propaganda and war mongering.

There are States ripped by turmoil and in which the government have ceased to exist, but they are still part of the family of States and recognised as such. Then there are oppressively authoritarian States that trample on basic human rights and intimidate its own population, but they are part of the UN. And then there are those 'evil' rogue States that flagrantly disregard international law, and even braver others that cause despicable humanitarian tragedies, and yes, they too are part of the UN. Taiwan is none of the above, but cannot even take part in the most basic international conference on matters of universal concern, like human health or the environment, because it is not recognised as a State. The irony.

One reason I study law because I was fascinated with its ability to defend the weak and restrain the strong in a world too often corrupted by the dictates of power and politics. Law’s power lies in its ability to speak back to power. Law’s authority lies in its, certainty, coherence and objectivity; in its ability to be blind and dispense justice on the scales of common morality and in the defence of human dignity.

Or at least in theory. And no where else is it more evident in the international arena. All States are equal, they say, but some more so than others. That is, if you are recognised as a State. If you are not, you are alone and isolated in this so-called international community that preaches equality, justice and universalism, but cowers in the face of hegemony and bullying tactics. Such is the sorry state of the world today.

Below is an excerpt from a paper I wrote at SOAS about the issue of recognition of States under public international law, with a special focus on the question of recognition of Taiwan:

That the proposed idea of recognition of statehood has moved from a constitutive to a declaratory view should, in the light of the Taiwan experience, be reassessed. Taiwan proves the effectiveness, legitimacy or even pragmatic tests for statehood are irrelevant. Instead, the current international order is dominated by an oligopoly of powerful states who can dictate, like the European colonial powers in the 19th Century did, who is allowed to belong and what is to be deemed a state, according to their interests and convenience.

International law revolves around states. A state may exist, and may be able and willing to shoulder all the rights and duties bound on members of the community of states, but the ultimate test of full subject-status under international law rests on its recognition by existing (superpower) states. The situation surrounding Taiwan's statehood offers an interesting overlap between the dominant realities of the ability of international politics to dictate international law, and the idealistic norms underpinned by human rights and peace that international law aims to pursue despite inhibitions from international politics.

Recognition is not a legal obligation, therefore it is often hijacked by political interests and objectively granted or withdrawn to serve certain, mostly that of big powers', status quos and realities. Taiwan’s relationship with its international counterparts is "fraught with ellipsis, indirect statements, and hidden meanings" . Though the international community has argued that the issue of Taiwan and its legal status should be up to China and Taiwan to decide, the nature of the question in straddling so many issues of international rights and duties and the potential impacts on world peace and stability, makes the issue one that is of the international community's concern and need for mediation.

The recognition of statehood is of great importance, because the existence or the lack of such recognition will dictate whether the candidate is deserving of the full protection, privileges and entitlements available in this state-centric world, regardless of whether that world is viewed through legal or political lenses. Exactly because recognition is such an important aspect of existence in the international community, it is also the most controversial, and one in which law and politics often intertwine.

And today I wrote this, after the UN rejected Taiwan's application for membership... again!

A letter was filed by President Chen Shui-bian of Taiwan on the 19th of July, directed at UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon. In it, Chen formally applied for Taiwan’s UN membership in accordance with the rules and procedure as laid out under the Charter.

Five days later, President Chen’s letter is returned by the UN Office of Legal Affairs, and the application for membership outrightly rejected. A short statement was issued, rejecting the application. I tried to find the original statement, but it is no where to be found, and believe me I’ve searched in all over the UN website. Like the complete and utter denial of its existence in the world, no hits contain the word ‘Taiwan’.

So, according to news reports, the application for membership was rejected on the basis of GA Resolution 2758 (XXVI), entitled ‘Restoration of the lawful rights of the People’s Republic of China in the United Nations’. That resolution was adopted in 1971, after the UN decided that:

“to restore all its rights to the People's Republic of China and to recognize the representatives of its Government as the only legitimate representatives of China to the United Nations, and to expel forthwith the representatives of Chiang Kai-shek from the place which they unlawfully occupy at the United Nations and in all the organizations related to it”.

Here is the joke behind this resolution.

When the UN was established, the war-ally and Chinese dictator Chiang Kai-Shek was allowed to sit alongside the big powers and take China’s seat in the organisation. Years before, his regime fled China to take refuge in Taiwan when the Communists triumphed and took control of China. Cold War politics, and unquestioning US support meant that Chiang’s regime was able to illegally conquer Taiwan and oppress its inhabitants, while at the same time claim that it effectively controlled over the hundreds of millions of Chinese from the tiny island of Taiwan. This pipe-dream and fantasy was able to flourish for some 26 years, while the Communist regime in Beijing was shunned aside and treated as persona non grata.

After almost three decades of political wrangling and protests, spearheaded by the Soviet Union, the UN finally realised it was unrealistic that the Chiang regime ever represented China.

Hence Resolution 2758—an infamous resolution that effectively admitted that for so many decades the UN had been so blind and foolish, and allowed itself to be so politically manipulated and deceived to have Chiang Kai-Shek and his cronies unlawfully occupy China’s seat in the UN.

Goodbye Chiang…

But what does this have to do with Taiwan? Nothing. Nothing at all. All Resolution 2758 did was restore the rightful and legitimate seat of the People’s Republic of China, period. There was complete silence regarding the status of Taiwan and to whom the territory belonged to. And this silence has existed since the end of World War II, when Taiwan was put under temporary control of the Allied Forces. The US and UK at the time had publicly declared that the status of this one-time Japanese colony was “undetermined”. The status of the island, and future of its people, had to be decided eventually at a peace conference or within the UN system. But that was that. All talk.

When China rightfully assumed its place in the UN, it reiterated and continues to reiterate that Taiwan is part of China. It makes claims on the basis of the historical, cultural, linguistic bonds between China and Taiwan, but none of it is founded in law or reality. Any attempt to bring the issue of Taiwan to discussion is met with stiff opposition or the veto.

The truth is China does not have any legal title to claim sovereignty over the territory of Taiwan. Nor does China have any control, effective or otherwise, over the territory and its 23 million people. If it did, it would not have to constantly threaten invasion and war, because it could just legitimately march in, hoist its red flag and establish its dictatorial regime there, and no one would protest. If China did control and legitimately own Taiwan, it would not have to constantly warn of economic retaliation and other “severe consequences” whenever other States deal with Taiwan.

So why was the application for membership in the UN rejected on the basis of Resolution 2758? A completely flawed argument lacking in any basis or reason. Just like that, dismissed without any discussion or whatsoever in the General Assembly or the Security Council, as is required by law under the UN Charter (Art. 4(2)). I’d not be surprised if Mr Ban was somehow pressured (or bribed) by China to dismiss the application as soon as it was filed. And this coming directly from the UN’s Office of Legal Affairs.

States like Tuvalu, with its meagre 10,000 people, and States like North Korea, with its open defiance of international norms, can all become and stay members of the UN. Yet, a country like Taiwan, with more a larger population than two-thirds of UN members, is barred time and again due to such inexcusable manipulations of the law. Those judges in the Admissions Case, who unequivocally and overwhelming held that admission into the world’s primary universal organisation cannot “juridically” be “dependent on conditions not expressly provided by Article 4(1)” of the Charter must be spinning in their graves.

I leave you with the words from the original application filed by Mr Chen… despite the invocation of the ‘international community’ (which as you know I loathe), they speak more than I, or justice, ever could.

“The international community of today chooses to disregard the efforts of Taiwan's 23 million people in their pursuit of dignity and peace. It would rather ask a country that advocates the universal values of freedom, democracy, human rights, and peace to submissively remain silent when its identity is denied and security threatened. Whereas globalization draws nations and peoples around the world closer under shared interests and concerns, the United Nations has long excluded Taiwan from participation, erecting a wall against it and placing it in political apartheid. Such unfair treatment towards Taiwan is incomprehensible and unbearable.

The people living on the beautiful land of Taiwan desire their nation to become a member of the international community and make greater contributions to world peace and prosperity. I, as President, have been given a mandate by the people of Taiwan, and therefore have the responsibility to see realized their aspirations. Participation in the United Nations is a fundamental right of the people of Taiwan. The absence of Taiwan in the United Nations creates a gap in the global network for cooperation, goes against the ideals and notion of justice upheld by the United Nations, and moreover is ironic in light of the UN's principle of universality”.

--

To find out more, read this.

And here's a video clip by the Taiwanese heavy metal group ChthoniC...
I'm not normally a fan of this type of music, but the music and lyrics does say a lot about Taiwan's international isolation in the world today...

UNlimited TAIWAN Short Film (Not Music Video)

Aan mijn Profiel Toevoegen | Meer Video's



OK!!!
I'll stop here before you fall asleep.... if you're still awake!

It's all because

Amazing song...!

It's because,
The gays are getting married.
All because
Of the gays
That everything's gone wrong.

If you liked this, you'll like this

Disappointing

You look forward to it the whole week... No, actually you look forward to it since you found out it was taking place. You invite a bunch of your friends to join you, thinking it would be a great night out. They promise they'd come, and say how much fun it would be.

Then it starts to blow storm-like winds.
Then none of your friends show up.

Now, that's disappointing...

I rushed towards the beach as the night started to fall. It was pretty windy, and at times I couldn't cycle forwards, however much I pedaled. And as soon as I got to the beach, it was quite busy, lots of people walking around... families, couples, and groups of friends too. No one I knew.

I walked around a little, watching the large waves bash against the seashore. Then suddenly from the speakers on the beach boulevard:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are sorry to announce that the planned fireworks are cancelled due to strong winds...."

Like a weight suddenly tied to my heart, it sunk. Why? Why? Why?

I wandered around a bit... and suddenly felt so alone on that busy boulevard. Usually I'd take a walk on the beach, and clear my mind, but I just turned around and went home, cycling as fast as I could, speeding down the road like a mad person, getting out all my frustrations.

Soon I was home again, petting my cat, and sitting in my little room.

Death at a Funeral

It's been such a long time since I laughed so hard and so much. So much it hurts, and replaying the scenes makes me want to laugh even more.

Saw one of the best British black comedies in recent years last night: Death at a Funeral. It's basically about the worst and best things that could horribly and delightfully go wrong at a funeral. All these family and friends coming together and deep beneath the wry, dry humour lurks even before the funeral service has begun. A receipe for disaster... and a lot of laughter.

Definitely something to watch to cheer you up... and even if you're already cheery, it'll put a smile and laugh-bugs in you for a long time to come!

Sex

I am lying in bed. He is on top of me, looking at me intensely, caressing me with so much passion, so softly... I am so drunk with love, so drunk with arousal, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wriggle under his body, lying so gently and perfectly on top of mine.

"I want it... Give it to me..." I'm almost begging for it. Begging for it to happen.

He looks at me tenderly, stroking through my hair, my cheeks, my lips, before he leans in to close his lips onto mine. He stares deeply into my eyes, as if to ask "Are you sure...?"

I fondle his naked chest, and my fingers trail the firm contours of his body from his upper torso, around his pelvis, and down towards his belly button. Feeling a bit more down, I could feel the hairlets on his smooth body become coarser and denser.

"Yes, I'm ready..."

He gives me a kiss, a deep, long, passionate kiss. Our breaths heave and sigh and meet and caress each others' skins, sending our minds and bodies shivering in excitement and utter extasy. His tongue penetrates me lips, penetrated slowly, but firmly, until it is deep inside, absorbing and exploring the insides of my mouth... until it discovered my own tongue, and then they both start to dance and play.

As he steadies himself and prepares to penetrate me in another way, my mind is wriggling in a high like no other I have ever felt before in my life.

Then I hear a groan.

I turn, and discover much to my surprise, my mum lying in the bed next to us. She is asleep, but her face was twisted in frustration and agony. "NO! Don't, son, don't!!"

I feel insecurity creep all over me. I feel the arousal and excitement all of a sudden ebb away and feel my feelings drop so suddenly and fall crashing down to earth.

Mum is still there, eyes closed, and shouting. "Don't do it... I don't want you to... Don't!"

I feel anger. I feel pain. I feel I'm being tied to a chain and can't be free. I feel like a slave to other people's desires and wants, but all I want is to live my own life and be free. Be free from constraints, be free from the heads shaking in disappointment, be free from the nagging voices, be free from the disgusted looks everywhere I turn and go.

I shout back. "I AM FREE! I AM AN INDIVIDUAL! STOP RUINING MY LIFE! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!" I'm crying, and sobbing. "IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY AND IF DAD IS RUINING YOUR LIFE, DON"T ALWAYS COME TO ME AND COMPLAIN TO ME!" I'm full of anger, full of bitterness, and feel the words pour out like a broken dam, as the bottled-up and poisonous feelings flood out.

I woke up, and the sun was shining weakly through the window.

Another nightmare, which again for the second or third time in recent weeks drained of energy, and feeling so vulnerable and hurting inside. I hugged my blankets and closed my eyes tightly hoping to images would go away, and that I could go back to sleep away as if nothing had ever happened.

But it was a very telling dream. And it said a lot about my desires and fears.
My desire to be free, to break free from my family, from the problems of my parents and their poor relationship... to break free and be an independent individual and live happily without restraints.

My desires to love, and be loved in return with so much passion, so much feeling, that I am even willing to give my viriginity to the person. Yes, a shocking revalation... pathetic perhaps even! I'm 23 and still a 'virgin'. Not that I've never had 'sex', but not anything penetrative. Perhaps because I'm scared... or that I've never met the 'right' person... What am I waiting for? Who am I waiting for? Not sure... But I know I've never found or met it... and I'm not sure if I ever will. Maybe I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic still hoping (even though I'm hopeless) that love will come, and that there is one person out there.... But in the nightmare you can feel my desperation, my deep, deep longing to be loved and to share such an intimate and intense act of love-making...

And then there are all these fears in the nightmare...
It's not that I have parents who are constantly telling me what to do, or how I should live my life. So I guess the 'mum' in the nightmare shouldn't be taken too literally. But she does represent the outside world, and my fears towards the world... my fears of disappointing people, my fears of seeing disapproval in other people's eyes... my fears of being rejected, of being judged, and of doing the 'wrong' thing.

I lay in bed after the nightmare for a while, and thought about it...
It's horrible and scary to have such intense nightmares, and even worse when you don't have any one to share it with immediately. But then, at the same time, they seem to tell you something is wrong, and that something may be changing.

I hope it's the latter.

Cruise

Cycling home, close to one in the morning. Air was nipy, but fresh. I sped along the cyclepath which skirted on the edge of the forest. The famous Hague Forest (Haagse Bos), where the Queen lives...
and where the 'queens' cruise.

I have no problem with people having fun between the trees in the pitch dark. But as I cycled past, two men appeared from the bushes and turned to look at me. Smiling. Smirking. Winking.
One was pretty butch, had a bolding head, and thick mustache, and must have been wearing leathery pants and an army uniform jacket. The other was shorter, and thinner, but had this drunk lusty look on his face.

I qucikly turned away, and cycled faster, thinking I should have taken the longer route, instead of gone 'cruising' along the more scenic route home. Trees flashed by quickly as my feet peddled and peddled. In the darkness and between the trees there suddenly seemed to be monsters lurking around, and I got a little frightened. There was noone around, and I felt a shiver, and I knew it wasn't because of the cold.

"Why does it always rain on me?"

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Even when the sun is shining
I cant avoid the lightning.

Cycling home tonight after a farewell dinner with friends who are leaving.
Rain...
Rain...
Rain...

In the afternoon, while I was out and about at the big funfair, it was just a light drizzle, nothing to be worried about, and actually one of my favourite kind of weather. I love that feeling when little rain drops hang on your eye lashes, and your world becomes a little blurry. I love that feel when the little rain falls and clings to your forehead and cheeks.

But tonight was just pouring, pouring, pouring with rain. And cycling makes it seem so much worse, not just because you drove into puddles in the road, but because cars splash all over you at high speeds! My jacket, trousers, shoes and socks were completely wet. And my woolen scarf, yes scarf I'm using at the end of July, was just soaked...

I cycled as quickly as I could to get home, but it seemed at every stoplight I had to stop. So got even more wet from waiting. And even wetter from cars passing by. Then, I realised... why am I hurrying? It's not as if the quicker I get home, the quicker I'm going to dry! Why not enjoy the rain?

And so I did.

I let the rain soak my clothes even more than it already it, let my shoes become completed drenched in water, let my jeans soak so much it was heavy and stuck to my skin.

Rain... rain... let it fall!

Roze Maandag

I walked around with a pink balloon tied to my bag, and a pink bandana around my neck. Both I had got from the friendly local policeman, dressed in his usual blue uniform, but with pink highlights and sashes wrapped around his whole body. I also had a pink Wuppie doll sitting on my shoulder, which I got when I donated some money to AIDS Fonds. Unfortunately, that poor Wuppie got lost somewhere....

Finally managed to hand in a draft of my thesis last week, so I decided to take a few days off, and give myself some 'free time'. Today was Roze Maandag (Pink Monday) , and every year there's this BIG celebration in a southern city called Tilburg. It's one of the biggest gay-event in the country that's being going on since 1990, and combined with the biggest funfair in the Netherlands, it's supposed to be quite a experience. As usual with things I invite my friends to, I ended going all by myself.

Oh well, being alone and with the rain didn't have to ruin the fun. I walked around the town, and everywhere was decorated with pink ribbons and flags and banners. The squares were filled with roller coaster rides and bumper cars and cotton candy stands, and all these people crowding in to take a peek at the event.



As usual, like at any gay pride event, there were out-rageously dressed drag queens parading the streets and making a big scene. I shied away in the corner and watched them go by. There were drummers, marching bands, dancers and even a Mr. Beautiful competition. That, and many cute looking guys walking around. Look but no touch.

I walked around a bit more, but didn't really do much else. All these thrill rides and games you could play just seem a bit boring when you do it by yourself. So I just wandered around and watched all sorts of people, old and young, hetero and homo, having a good time and munching away at the fatty foods and candies on offer. I guess that in itself was fun enough.

With the balloon tied around me, floating up and down and making funny noises as the rain drops fell on them, I headed home again.


MORE PICTURES HERE.

Imagine you and me

Watched this lovely comedy yesterday a friend of my recommended. It's called "Imagine you and me", about two women falling in love after just a glance at each other, and the difficulties in their way of finding each other. Actually a bit predictable, but still something sweet which can put a smile on your face.

One of my favourite lines in the movie was when the two main actresses say to one another, as they say goodbye:

L: Don’t forget me.
R: I won’t remember anything else.

Isn't that just such an amazingly beautiful interplay between two lovers?

Change

(Beethoven's Piano Concerto nr 5 (Kaiser), Second Movement...
the slow music is so moving, and the light tapping of the piano in the middle echoes a sense of desperation and longing...)

Yeah, I've not been feeling too well lately.

Started around a few months ago, first with lots of naps and chocolate eating. It got a bit better, only to get even worse, and to be 'cured' with more naps and frustrations. At first I thought it was the weather, but the weather was just a part of it. Each time it got a bit better, it was just about to get even worse.

Honestly I can't ever remember a time like this. Stressed from my studies, and depressed with my life. It's like there's nothing that can cheer me up, no one I can share with. Even the walks on the beach are just temporary cures, before I again plunge into the sea of confusion.

On the phone I spoke to a friend. I guess she noticed what I've been feeling and the conversation turned to me. At first, like often, I was a bit reluctant... but she spoke as if she knew what I was feeling, as if she could see me and what sorry state I am in at the moment. And having just talked to her, it was as if a heavy, heavy weight was lifted off of my shoulder... and for that I'm very grateful.

I notice for the last few months I've been getting out this teddy bear and just holding it while I sleep at night. It's been so many years since I last did that... since I needed that 'someone' to hold onto, 'someone' to make me not feel so lonely, that 'someone' to touch, even though it could never touch back. A small substitute for many things that are missing in my life. A substitute for the intimacy, for the closeness, companionship, and feeling of being 'loved' and loving in return. I know it's just a stuffed animal, just cotton and strings, and probably has lots of my drool and who knows what kind of germs on it, but it helps. If only a little. And in many ways it shows how bad it's gotten...

And often I play with Kitty, hold her close to her, pet her and stroke her softly while she sits on my lap. I fill with such strong feelings when I hear her purr, and when she turns to look me in the eyes and squint from pleasure. But then she'd run away after a while, and continue her own life, while leaving me feeling empty inside...

I mean for much too long I've had to go through life completely alone... Recently I realised that it's been more than ten years since I separated from my parents. I was just a teen then, but I had to live on my own and do everything myself. Nobody took care of me... nobody. I survived... I did well, I achieved a lot, got through university.... but all throughout the years I did it all without much encouragement and love. Two very simple things... but two difficult things to get, two very precious things I long for.

And all the while I give people so much without thinking much about myself. Not that I'm a saint or martyr... but it seems like I've been taking care of all these people around me, like friends and family, but I've been forgetting the most important person of all: me! To be neglected by others is bad enough, but to neglect yourself makes it a whole lot worse...

Really, the root of the problem is I'm not 'happy' with myself. I don't really accept myself as I am, and even when people say that I amaze them with the things I do and have experienced, deep down inside I reject those praises and think I don't deserve any of that. Such low self-esteem, perhaps even self-loathing... how can I ever attract love when I do not give it to myself?

At the same time, the nightmares of the past that have made me feel so poor about myself continue to be there. All the while, I continue to be living with my brother who is/was the source of a lot of the misery and pain in my childhood... I want to escape, I want to get away,
which explains maybe my constant urge to go to the beach and watch the sea. Watching all that roaring rage of nature seems to be calming, if only for a moment. But nothing compares to the emotional tsunamis wreaking chaos inside my mind and body...

Perhaps I'm a masochist, wanting to punish myself, even though I don't enjoy it at all. And I realise that I'm continuously hurting myself and limiting myself every single moment I'm stuck with the past. And I'm terribly unhappy stuck living with my brother and the girlfriend. I'm wanting for anything to escape this prison... waiting for opportunities to start my own life fresh and anew, and to cut off all of this excess baggage that's been pulling my life down and down.

And it's hard... again, going back to that self-esteem problem, I feel like I don't know what I want to do. Everywhere I look for jobs, I feel like I'm not suitable or qualified enough... why would they want me, when everyone seems to be better? If I can't even convince myself that I'm better, how can I convince an employer? I did apply to this 'dream job', which would give me the money and ability to get away from this loveless home and start life fresh in another country... but the I've not heard anything from them, and it looks like it's a lost cause.....

So I'm back to this moment, in the here and now. Unhappy, confused, constantly complaining and feeling the frustration and lost feelings boiling inside of me... And I'm stuck here... hopeless and tired. Wondering, wondering and dreaming and sleeping... while the days go by...

But my friend was right though... sometimes you just need to get very low before you go up again. It's a cycle... dip before a rise, just like everything else in life. Just ride it, just go with it, and 'enjoy' the depression.

It will pass...
It will pass...
It will pass...

Thank you, dear friend.

Ich bin ich

"Gehör ich hier denn noch dazu
Oder bin ich längst schon draussen?
Zeit nimmt sich den nächsten Flug
Hab versucht ihr nachzulaufen.

Bin doch gestern erst geborn’ und seit kurzem kann ich gehen
Hab mein Gleichgewicht verlorn’ doch kann trotzdem g’rade stehn.

In meinem Kopf ist so viel Wut
Gestern Nacht konnt ich nicht schlafen
Dass Du da warst tat mir gut
Bitte stell jetzt keine Fragen
Denn ich würde nur bereun
Hätt ich mich an Dir verbogen
War bestimmt nicht immer treu
Doch ich hab Dich nie betrogen.

Das bin ich, das bin ich,
Das allein ist meine Schuld
das bin ich. Das bin ich, das bin ich,
Das allein ist meine Schuld.

Ich bin jetzt, ich bin hier, ich bin ich , das allein ist meine Schuld
Ich bin jetzt, ich bin hier, ich bin ich das allein ist meine Schuld.

Ich muss mich jetzt nicht finden
Darf mich nur nicht verliern.
Bin doch gestern erst geborn’ und seit kurzem kann ich gehen,
Hab mein Gleichgewicht verlorn’ doch kann trotzdem g’rade stehn.

Ich bin jetzt, ich bin hier, ich bin ich , das allein ist meine Schuld
Ich bin jetzt ich bin hier ich bin ich das allein ist meine Schuld.

Wir sind jetzt, wir sind hier, wir sind wir, das allein ist unsre Schuld
Wir sind jetzt, wir sind hier, wir sind wir, das allein ist unsere Schuld

Gehör ich hier denn noch dazu?

TRANSLATION
Do I still belong here
Or have I long since been on the outside?
Time takes the next flight
Did try to run after it.

Was first born yesterday, and only recently I can walk
Have lost my balance, but still can stand tall

In my head there is so much anger
Last night I could not sleep
That you were there did me good
Please ask no questions now
Because I would only regret it
If I bent myself for you
I certainly wasn't always faithful
But I never betrayed you

That is me, that is me
That alone is my fault
That is me, that is me, that is me
That alone is my fault

I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault
I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault

I don't have to find myself now
I only mustn't loose myself
Was first born yesterday, and only recently I can walk
Have lost my balance, but still can stand tall

I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault
I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault

We are now, we are here, we are we
That alone is our fault
We are now, we are here, we are we
That alone is our fault

Do I still belong here?

About a boy

There once was a boy. A small boy, who kept himself smaller than he was.
But in truth he was big inside, for he had a big heart and a big imagination.
He was able to see the world, feel its miseries, and share its laughter.
He was lonely, and had no family close to him.
But he did not despair, and he lived life and lived it to the fullest.

The saddest song would make his eyes tear.
The most touching moment would make his heart sigh.
He saw beauty in nature, and he saw good in people.
From this he created a world of fantasies and fancies.
He had hopes, he innocently dreamt of a world of peace, of happiness and love.

The boy had a lot to endure, and felt the weight of the world on his tiny shoulders.
Traumas scarred and scared him, but he fought on.
He told himself he would grow stronger, and endure,
To let all the bad things go by and continue to live
To continue to see the world with all the beauties and hopes it had to offer.

But people never took much notice of him, or what he needed the most.
Nobody would ask him what he was thinking, what he was feeling,
Yet all he needed was someone to talk to, someone to hold.
People went and came, took what he had to give,
And left him alone, and beckoning to be touched,
Longing to be loved.

With the passing of time, that boy grew.
At first he clung onto his fantasies and dreams,
At first he said to himself that things would get better.
But life continued to disappoint,
People continued to hurt him
Coming and going, hurrying on and leaving the boy behind.

He turned bitter, and began to wilt
Like a flower, once in bloom and brightly coloured,
The boy's character faded.
Those hopes of peace and happiness seemed to be smothered
In constant fears and nightmares.

And he was left confused and hurting,
Realising what was happening to him.
He had long ago promised to himself that the world would not swallow him,
That he would always cling onto his innocence and purity.
But bit by bit the darkness crept up
And drained the souls of hope from inside him.

He saw himself die little by little,
And silently watched his innocent slip away like sand.
And it hurt him so, but he could not cry,
However much he tried.
Like a lost body without direction, without a destination
He goes from day to day,
But can no longer see the light of day.

Deep down inside, he trembles and shakes,
In the vain wish that someone would notice.
Deep down inside, he still hopes and pray,
That one day that another would come
And refill that void inside.

I wonder where the boy went...?

ARGH!

Suddenly feel so frustrated, and I have no idea why! The weather's turned great, and finally there's the feel that it's summer, but not happy :(

Went to work, spent a few hours trying to work on thesis, but instead made me feel like I have no idea what I'm writing about... And the whole office building was almost completely empty, because everyone was away on holiday. So it was even more quiet than usual, like I was the only person there... I really could feel the loneliness building up again, because I haven't spoken to anyone for days...

At five I decided to go home early, but while cycling home I felt so miserable. Everyone seems to be so happy, enjoying the sun and sitting outside the terraces. And I... I don't even feel like going home... don't feel like going back to that place where people scream and shout at seven in the morning already!

I just feel like getting away... just want to get away from all this, get away from everything that's irritating me! But where to...? What would I do there by myself...? Driving me nuts...

So angry for some reason, like I want to just scream or break something!!! It's such a terrifying thought, because I don't usually feel like this! But I don't really know why...

ARGHHHHH!!!

A boom boom ba

A nice song.... and a beautiful clip that just melts your heart.

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

Crazy weather

Sitting at my office, just a little before seven in the evening.

Outside it's thundering and pouring with rain, like I've rarely seen before in this country. Since my office is the attic, and there are seven roof windows, it's sooo loud. It's quite nice to watch the rain smash against the window, and slide down the glass like waterfalls. The clouds are so dense and so dark, it reminds me of 'Armageddon' for some reason...

Can't really concentrate on my work, so that's why I'm writing this, hoping by the time I finish, the storm will have passed away.

Almost.

Splat!

There was mist close to the ground, hovering just above the grass. It was humid, and the ground was wet from the thunderstorm during the day. But this evening the sky had cleared, giving way to a humid and warm feeling in the forest.

I walked around a bit, getting my daily need of fresh air, and opportunity to get out of the house. Because the ground was damp still, there were slugs and snails almost everywhere on the paths. I tread very carefully not to kill them, and reminded myself of what happened last time I accidentally killed one.

Walking, walking, after a while I really had to... 'go'. I looked around, and there really was nobody, so I walked behind a big, big tree, and silently excused myself to the tree for what I had to do. It was dark in the forest, and the tree bark was dark too from the rainwater. There was a brown thing that was stuck on the bark, and I thought it was just a leaf. Feeling playful I aimed at that thing, thinking the leaf would 'wash away'. But it didn't.

Instead, the leaf curled up and started to crawl, very, very, very slowly. "Oh, oh..." I thought to myself, as I quickly turned to aim somewhere else. "What have I done now...?"

Walking home, I was still feeling sorry for what I had just pee-ed on. And I was even more careful not to step on any snails, thinking I'd hurt one too many today.

Suddenly a splat! And a few centimetres from my foot was a wet pile of white poo, freshly landed on the pavement.

There was a relief that I didn't get hit. But then again, I realised that it was a warning too.

A close one.

Alles goed?

I stood on the edge, where the land met the sea.
Or where the sea met the land.
It didn't matter.

I could feel the waves, the way they hushedly caressed the shore, shattering into clouds of white confusion on the rocks. The sky was dark, dark blue, and red on the horizon where the sky and sea were sown together. Thoughts of the day were silenced by the sounds of the sea, and a weight lifted as I sighed.

I admired the tides, the way they spread like sheets of transparent glass, and wondered about the long, long way they had traveled to crash and break at my feet. A day was dying, and another was being born. I turned my back against the world, and its mumbled noises and troubles in the distance. There was a gentle breeze, and I listened as if it was trying to say something in my ears. Seagulls shrieked as they played catch on the surface of the sea.

Suddenly there was a flash of light my way. At first I thought it was the lighthouse in the distance, but it became brighter and brighter, and seem to be moving closer and closer I turned to see a white jeep head my way. Disturbed by the sudden intrusion into my temporary world of peace and fantasy, I shifted my feet a little. I stared out to sea again, hoping it would all go away.

The car pulled up next to me and stopped. The engine roared and shuddered the ground I stood on. I turned my back on it, still hoping it would all go away. Then the person honked, and made me turn.

"Alles goed?" Only then did I realise it was the police.

"... Yeah," I said.

As if he didn't seem convinced, he asked again, "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, fine. I don't have any tendencies..." If that's what you mean. Life's too beautiful... the world's too beautiful to do anything rash. "Just watching the sea..."

He nodded, but didn't leave immediately. I turned to the sea again, to the open sea that didn't judge me, that didn't intimidate me or intrude into what I was doing and why I was doing it.
But I could still feel the policeman watching, watching and watching.

I heard the jeep slowly pull away, as the unwanted spotlight on me slowly faded. And as if nothing had happened, there was just a boy, a darkening sky, and the broad, broad sea.

Summer's eve

Maybe it's strange.
Maybe I'm strange.

Had a whole evening of barbeque at a friend's place. There were lots of my classmates there, some of whom I've not seen for almost two months. I guess it was nice to get together, have a good laugh, drink some wine and gulp down chocolates together. But then I don't usually function too well in big groups, so sometimes I was just sitting there and smiling.

It's not that the time together was 'bad'... just I sometimes get lost in big groups, and I don't really know which conversation I should be following. I still had a few laughs, at some jokes and stunts that the more extroverted people pulled.

So I got back to the city I live after an hour of train ride. It was almost one, and I jumped on my bike ready to go home. But as soon as I got on the bike I felt like I could go places.... felt like I needed to go places.

Tonight's one of those calm, still summer eve's. The air is so still you could get sweaty just standing there. And how clear the sky is, with so many stars.

"The beach... that's where I'd go", I thought to myself. And with the fading effects of the white wine I cycled towards the beach. I felt hot, and energetic, like a rush was running through my veins, as I sped towards the sea.

And the waves were so calm tonight... sliding onto the shore as if they were almost shy. The sky was so dark, and there were so many stars. I wandered around a bit all by myself, enjoying the silence and loneliness, thinking to myself how different it was from just a few hours ago. All that conversation, all those people, all the socialising makes you tired sometimes.

I wandered a bit longer, with just the starry sky, empty beach and the shy waves.

"You dating now ladies now?"

Was working at my little office today, and I took a little nap on the floor at around 6ish... At first I thought the alarm I had set went off, but it was the ringtone to my phone when someone calls. I sleepily answered, and it was a cheerful voice, one I hadn't heard for a number of years.

Turns out a friend from high school is in town, and called to ask when to meet. Last week there was a little reunion with some other people, but I couldn't go, and I simply left a message on his Facebook profile saying that I was going out with some girls.

Not sure if it was a joke, but on the phone today one of the first things he said was:
"So you started to go out with girls now?"

It was the funniest sentence I heard in a while. I laughed out loud, inside thinking I've never gone out with a girl before, and even if I have, it's not that kind of 'going out'. "No, no... just girlfriends. I have some girlfriends!"

"Lucky", he said, a little jealous .

Yes, how lucky I am... to have so many girlfriends and have such a great time together with them, to talk and share, to take walks on the beach, to chat on the phone with. If only they were a boy...

Reading and writing

Reading and writing... reading and writing... seems to be all I'm doing nowadays...

In a way I'm glad I'm getting into the rhythm of working on my thesis, especially after almost one whole month of not working on it. But then I'm starting to feel the pressure too, since the deadline is really approaching fast if I want to graduate in August. It's getting to the point I'm even dreaming of thesis when I sleep... can't remember about what exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's on my mind when I lie in bed.

To be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm going in the right direction at all, and not even sure if I'll be able to produce something coherent and original, but I'm just reading and writing... reading and writing...

Somebody give me some encouragement...!

Day out

We stood, braving the waves. Water swashed around us, and we were knee deep. I shivered, but it was too precious a moment to leave. The wind howled. We stood there, watching the roaring waves lounge toward us, in awe and admiration of what the forces of nature could do, and felt the white foamy water sizzle around our feet. The sun had set, but the last light of dusk dimmed in a reddish glow behind clouds.

The day had gone by so quickly, but I felt so alive and energetic from the deep talks we had, together. Heart to heart, eye to eye, hearing one another out, and just listening, relating, empathising. Sharing our pasts, talking about deep, deep feelings, bonding over a lovely dinner and with our mutual fears and dreams. It was as if layer by layer the skin and masks we wear to be able to live in this world were slowly shed. And it was comfortable to be just who we are, to be just honest, to be just human.

Wind blew in our faces, and made our hair wild. An empty beach, just the two of us it seemed, standing there dangerously where the sand merges into the sea, as we felt the ground beneath sink and suck from under our feet, the same feet that stood on this wide, wide world that lay before us. The seagulls teased the air, as dark clouds gathered in the distance far, far away.

We have both come a long way, and found this precious refuge in ourselves, and in each other. The waves roared and splashed, as the wind blow harder and colder. At times I was somewhat afraid, scared by the waves that ripped across the troubled surface of the sea and that were crashing onto shore. I guess I was concerned about the fact that my jeans were soaked and how difficult it would to get the sand out once we get home.

"Sometimes you have to live on the edge a little."

And my friend was right. Seeing her silhouette against the dimming horizon I admired her silently, and the way she stood her ground, and let the elements wash and blow over her, the way as if she was tempting life and nature and not afraid to loose. A flash of giddiness and enthusiasm took over her, different from the sort of calm that open and raw nature invokes from deep within me. Even so, we stood there, perhaps both treasuring the moment, and thinking how special it was to be sharing it together with each other.

The stars appeared, winking at the world and flirting with the the gulls that flew so low. The world seemed so much smaller, so much warmer. It's wonderful to talk, to share, to bond... to have a real friend.

Meeting

There he was, standing there, waiting for me. He smiled shyly, and I did the same. Neither of us knew what to say, but the innocent smiles on our faces said more than was necessary. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his. There was an unspoken connection, as if we had met before, but we looked at each other, as if trying to search on one another's faces where and when we had met before.

"Funny. It's like I know you from somewhere..." I held out my hand.

"Hm, but we never met before." He slowly raised his to meet mine.

"Maybe we have... in another life. And now we're meeting again." Our eyes met and never parted.

"Maybe." The touch of our hands sent indescribable feelings throughout my body. The touch of life, the touch of intimacy, the touch of having found something you've been looking for throughout your life, and have finally found again. I could feel his hand tremble slight in mine. Or was it my hand that was trembling?

He sighed, and closed his eyes the way you would when this feeling of utter bliss flows throughout your body. "I'm glad to finally meet you."

"And I..."

The birds were singing. Sun shone through the curtains. I opened my eyes.

It was a dream.

Gay visit

I bid farewell to the 'couple', wishing them all the best and safe journeys. It's funny how you can grow attach to people within just three days. A part of me was sad to see them go, disappointed and unwilling. It's been a short three days, but at the same time long and memorable.

It's really been a while since I've seen 'him', a gay friend I got to know through someone else, and one of the few gays I know. When I was wandering around Asia last year, he was so generous to let me stay at his place for a long time. We've been traveling together before, and it's always such a wild and fun time together, so when he said he's coming to Europe for a visit, I of course was more than happy to make sure he stopped by.


And this time he didn't come alone. 'She' is a colleague of his, and is the first lesbian I've ever met in my whole life. Butch, short-hair, tom-boy with attitude was what I was expecting. Stereotypes, of course. Instead she was extremely friendly and warm person with whom I soon hit it off.

We cycled, we laughed, joked, as we toured the cities and countryside and cruised the beach. There's plenty to see and do, and we made full use of the time together, rushing from place to place, clicking with our cameras at the strange and unique moments and sights. This was the first time I took people around who were gay, and I could so freely take them wander the streets and alleys of gay areas of A(mster)dam. Normally, I'd be so frightened to go into a gay bar by myself, but with them I felt more at ease. And we sat on the terrace during happy hour and watched people go by. And a visit to A'dam could not be complete without visiting the rich cultural educational heritage that the city's many sex shops had to offer. So we ventured into countless shops, next to window-girls in the famous Red Light District, and amazed ourselves with the bizarre and outrageous things that were for sale... Dildo's, whips, different types of fetishes, different ways of sex, from orgy to donkey, bi to pie, from piss to vomit... You name it, it was there. There were even cabins for rent, for those in need of instant... relief.

Exhausted, bedazzled and shivering from the cold and rain, we'd drag ourselves home. But the night never ended so early. We enjoyed a ritual of watching porn passionate adult entertainment on TV. Adult entertainment here is not for the faint-hearted. It's hardcore, fully exposed and 'anything-goes' and no taboos. We giggled ourselves silly lounging in the livingroom in the early hours of the morning, remote control at the ready, watching the people in action, while constantly adjusting the volume, afraid that the high-pitched groaning and moaning would wake up people sleeping upstairs and excite the cat. Satisfied, we'd retire to bed and sleep, while it clapped with thunder and echoed with rain.



Of course, amid all the madness and fun, there were precious little moments for heart-to-heart talks. About life, about work, about future... and about love. Being older, and wiser, they had much I could learn from, much I could cherish, much that could calm my restless mind. He and she has been/is in relationships. I could not but tell them how much I envied them, and how much I miss what they have. But they reassured me, told me what I often try to tell myself...

... love will come, love will come. No need to seek it, it will come for those willing and able to wait. It's a miraculous thing, and even more so how the universe works. No need to crave for things, just think of it, and forget that longing. Somehow, with positive thoughts and a positive mind, what you want will come to one, one way or another. Just do your best, live life to the fullest, and give. And you will be given.

I hugged and kissed the 'couple' goodbye at the airport terminal, and watched them slowly move on and away. We'll see one another someday, that's for sure. Until then, I can treasure the precious memories of our times together. Until then, I have the wise words they shared to take me forward.

Concert by the Sea

The sun set. It drizzled. I felt the raindrops on my cheeks, and the powerful voices of the four singers of Il Divo touch the depth of my heart. I shivered.

Oh, my love my darling
I've hungered for your touch a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love (Unchained Melody)

I sat on the sand, and ran my hands through the soft grains. The clouds stretched like a soft blanket over the dusk sky, golden and pink at the brims, fluffy and warm at the centre. Old songs, love songs, songs you could hum the melody to, because they're classics. Accompanied by a live orchestra of wind and strings, and a faint, faint rainbow arching over the stage. Uplifting. Beautiful.

I cant live
If living is without you
I cant live
I cant give anymore
I cant live
If living is without you
I cant give
I cant give anymore
(Hero)

Serene... heart-warming... The four good-looking members of the group sang so beautifully with such passion, such love in operatic harmony. No wonder within two years they managed to touch the hearts of millions of fans throughout the world, and managed to revive the soulfulness of opera among young people. Romantic, pure and innocent, even more so because the songs were crooned in Spanish, and this one in French.

J'irai chercher ton c'ur si tu l'emportes ailleurs
Même si dans tes danses d'autres dansent tes heures
J'irai chercher ton âme dans les froids dans les flammes
Je te jetterai des sorts pour que tu m'aimes encore
(Pour que tu m'aimes encore)

I looked around... there must have been hundreds of people. But inside, where the lyrics and music echoed, it felt like I was alone. And they sang this moving dedication, to all the mothers of the world. Sitting there, on the beach, with the long shadow of myself cast on the sand by the golden sunset, I thought of my own:

Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the times
I forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
(Mama)

Many couples sat around me. I tried not to look at them... not to notice the way their fingers played with one another, not to see the little butterfly kisses, not to take note of the way they kept one another warm in the cold, cold evening breeze with each other's arms around their bodies... Two guys walked by. I tried not to look. They walked into the sunset, stood close to one another. And kissed.

All by myself
Don`t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
(All by my self)

But no, no despair, no sadness. Because, because...

There’s a place for us, somewhere a place for us,
time together with time to share,
time to look time to share,
somehow somewhere,
we’ll find a new way of living,
we’ll find a way of forgiving somewhere
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
somehow, someday, somewhere
(Somewhere)

How are things?

The weather suddenly brightened today, and it seems like summer is finally returning, after the weeks of rain and coldness. I wish the same could be said about my mood at the moment.

Already the first day of July, and I've got one month exactly to finish off my masters thesis if I want to graduate at the end of summer. Or, put simply, one month to start!

Another week went by, and still I'm making so little progress. I read, and read, and read, and have so many pages of notes and ideas, but the problem is starting to write. To write, I need a structure, and I need a clear research question. What is it that I want to prove? Why am I writing this thesis? Why is this thesis important to the field of study? What issue am I addressing here?

I'm not sure.

All I know is I want to write about the concept of 'international community', but I'm not sure what exactly I want to write about. There are so many issues, like who or what is the international community... what are the values of the international community... when can we see the international community in action? Sure I can just ramble on about my own personal opinions of how this so-called 'international community' is nothing more than a few powerful states masquerading as the brain, heart and limbs of the world, but I need to write something that's 'l-e-g-a-l', something that's based on research and something that can be supported by the opinion of leading scholars and practitioners. And that's the hard part...

And that's just one part of what is on my mind at the moment... if I'm to graduate soon, I also need to think about my future and applying to jobs! At the moment I'm just putting all my eggs into one basket, and hoping that I'll get this dream position starting October. I got into the first round, and now there's a one-in-three chance of being selected. And July is the month I'll know if I have an opportunity or not... if I have a position, I'm supposed to hear from them before mid-July... if not, I'll not hear anything at all.

And it's killing me having to wait, wait, wait since May. If I get it, most likely for the foreseeable future I'm more or less on track. If not, I'll be as lost as ever, and have to start wondering what I want to do again, which is something I really have a difficult time deciding.

I'll be so glad when this month is over... and it's just started.

Happy birthday, dad...

I spoke briefly to my dad today. Totally unexpected. He picked up the phone when I called, which he never does. So I was a little surprised.

"Haven't spoken to you in a while..." I said.

"Yes..."

"So how have you been? Well?"

"Everything is well. Don't worry. Everything is well," dad said, as he always says. Everything is always well. Even if it isn't. "What are you doing now?"

"Just busy writing my thesis..." I said, holding back telling him how frustrated I feel at the moment at the little progress I'm making. "And I work too. I work part time, and I'm busy writing my thesis. It's quite busy, but things are well."

There was a few moments of silence, and dad turned to call my mum.

"What about you? How are you doing?" I asked. I wrestled with my own thoughts, wanting to say something, but not sure if he'll respond to it well.

"Everything is well, don't worry. You take care of your health," dad said, and then called my mum again.

"I'm just working on my thesis, and working, so there's really not much going on," I said, "What about with you?" Again, I wanted to say it, but didn't dare to, because it's too personal... and he doesn't like me to remind him.

"Nothing much..." Dad turned to call my mum again. And then he disappeared as my mum picked up the phone.

An awkward conversation.

He didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to say. It's been four months since we last talked, and I guess both of us were caught off guard to speak to each other after such a long time. So the easiest conversation is to say nothing, and I guess he could avoid talking by giving the phone over to mum.

It's my dad's birthday today. I always remember, because it's easy to remember. And this year is the big 60, which makes it even more special. For the past few weeks I've been wondering to myself whether I should write him a card, or send him a gift, or speak to him and wish him happy birthday... but I did none of that. Partly because he doesn't like me to wish him happy birthday, he doesn't like me to write to him...

And now I regret it. One day in a lifetime this day comes, but I can't work up the courage to wish him happy birthday... However he reacts to my goodwill is his business, so why should I be so afraid to say it? It's such a simple sentence, such a joyous event, but instead it's complicated and has been troubling me for weeks...

So I guess this is the reason I'm writing this, and the reason why "Papa, can you hear me?" is the 'Song of the moment'...

Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?

Have a happy birthday, dad... May you be truly well, happy, healthy and live life to the fullest...

Papa, how I love you.
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me goodnight.

May you be peaceful and have inner calm, may you be compassionate and loving, and may you be free from all kinds of suffering.

UN jeep

(picture from http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/blog/blogimages/un-jeep.jpg)

They're remarkably easily recognisable... an open-top jeep painted pure white, with a bold black 'U' and an 'N' imprinted on its doors. And inside, brave soldiers peace-keepers with funny blue up-side down nests on their heads. You've seen them in buzzing busily to and fro in conflict zones, refugee camps and wherever or whenever the UN has gotten its act togther to act...

So I thought I was imagining things as I was strolling down my street this evening. At first I heard the rumbling of loud engines, and there it was... an UN jeep cruising lazily down my street. A vision in white, with two bright blue dots inside the vehicle, catching the eye. The soldiers

Surreal... bizzare... a precious photo moment, if only I had my camera with me at the time. Right here, in the middle of a peaceful neighbourhood where the only on-going conflict is between warring factions of cats, and where the only current humanitarian crisis seems to be water puddles here and there from the flood of rain, an UN jeep.

In my mind I could only think, if those blue-helmets were heading for Darfur, they still have a long, long way to go.

Horoscope today

Pisces: Step away from a problem that's been plaguing you lately. You just need some space, and some time. When you return to it, the solution will be there.

...not sure if this prophesy will come true, but I really feel lost and unmotivated to do anything at the moment... not work on thesis, not apply for jobs, nothing at all! : (

It's like I'm scared of working, and scared to do anything serious. And all I want is to sleep or walk around doing nothing at all!

...maybe if I step away, I'll be able to get closer soon.

At least I hope so.

"Everything will be alright..."

It continues to rain, while a storm blows across much of northern Europe, and flooding take away a number of lives. In the south, temperatures are reaching the forties, with some dying as a result. Such extremes!

Middle of another week, in a period of time when weeks seem to pass as quickly as days. Still feeling restless, depressed, and unmotivated to work, even though everyday I tell myself it’s a new day, and promise myself I to get some work done. At the same time, I’ve been having more and more bad dreams, mostly about family and my dad, who I haven’t spoken to for more than four months. Mostly the dreams involve a lot of shouting, and unpleasant arguments. I’d wake up miserable and feeling lost, and wanting to sleep some more, even though I had already slept more than my fair share.

I’d go to the beach a lot, alone. Or the forest. And just walk around, as if by walking around I’m not ‘staying still’ and shake all those feelings and thoughts out of me. Even if it’s in the rain I don’t mind at all. The other day I walked around for two hours while it poured and thundered loudly The forest floor was all muddy. I got my clothes completely wet and dirty, but it didn’t seem to matter at all.

Yesterday I had a long talk with mum on the phone. Deep heart to heart talk, about my fears, my anxieties and my mood at the moment. I told her how lost and at the same time how desperate and lacking any sort of enthusiasm I feel, being here at the end of my studies, and so very unsure what I want to do with my life…

She listened and encouraged me not to give up and not to despair, and reminded me that all this depression and being down, like all feeling good or bad, will all go away. She reminded me that I’ve never let her worry, and that I’ve always managed to pull through and excel to the best of my abilities, even though the process is hard and trying… Exactly the words and sentiments I needed. I smiled a bit, and as I hung up the phone, I silently thanked her… for being ‘there’, for being my mum.

If only there was someone close to tell me those words, and to hear my thoughts, and to give me a long hug and look me in the eye and say that “Everything will be alright…everything will be alright… ”