Sex

I am lying in bed. He is on top of me, looking at me intensely, caressing me with so much passion, so softly... I am so drunk with love, so drunk with arousal, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wriggle under his body, lying so gently and perfectly on top of mine.

"I want it... Give it to me..." I'm almost begging for it. Begging for it to happen.

He looks at me tenderly, stroking through my hair, my cheeks, my lips, before he leans in to close his lips onto mine. He stares deeply into my eyes, as if to ask "Are you sure...?"

I fondle his naked chest, and my fingers trail the firm contours of his body from his upper torso, around his pelvis, and down towards his belly button. Feeling a bit more down, I could feel the hairlets on his smooth body become coarser and denser.

"Yes, I'm ready..."

He gives me a kiss, a deep, long, passionate kiss. Our breaths heave and sigh and meet and caress each others' skins, sending our minds and bodies shivering in excitement and utter extasy. His tongue penetrates me lips, penetrated slowly, but firmly, until it is deep inside, absorbing and exploring the insides of my mouth... until it discovered my own tongue, and then they both start to dance and play.

As he steadies himself and prepares to penetrate me in another way, my mind is wriggling in a high like no other I have ever felt before in my life.

Then I hear a groan.

I turn, and discover much to my surprise, my mum lying in the bed next to us. She is asleep, but her face was twisted in frustration and agony. "NO! Don't, son, don't!!"

I feel insecurity creep all over me. I feel the arousal and excitement all of a sudden ebb away and feel my feelings drop so suddenly and fall crashing down to earth.

Mum is still there, eyes closed, and shouting. "Don't do it... I don't want you to... Don't!"

I feel anger. I feel pain. I feel I'm being tied to a chain and can't be free. I feel like a slave to other people's desires and wants, but all I want is to live my own life and be free. Be free from constraints, be free from the heads shaking in disappointment, be free from the nagging voices, be free from the disgusted looks everywhere I turn and go.

I shout back. "I AM FREE! I AM AN INDIVIDUAL! STOP RUINING MY LIFE! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!" I'm crying, and sobbing. "IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY AND IF DAD IS RUINING YOUR LIFE, DON"T ALWAYS COME TO ME AND COMPLAIN TO ME!" I'm full of anger, full of bitterness, and feel the words pour out like a broken dam, as the bottled-up and poisonous feelings flood out.

I woke up, and the sun was shining weakly through the window.

Another nightmare, which again for the second or third time in recent weeks drained of energy, and feeling so vulnerable and hurting inside. I hugged my blankets and closed my eyes tightly hoping to images would go away, and that I could go back to sleep away as if nothing had ever happened.

But it was a very telling dream. And it said a lot about my desires and fears.
My desire to be free, to break free from my family, from the problems of my parents and their poor relationship... to break free and be an independent individual and live happily without restraints.

My desires to love, and be loved in return with so much passion, so much feeling, that I am even willing to give my viriginity to the person. Yes, a shocking revalation... pathetic perhaps even! I'm 23 and still a 'virgin'. Not that I've never had 'sex', but not anything penetrative. Perhaps because I'm scared... or that I've never met the 'right' person... What am I waiting for? Who am I waiting for? Not sure... But I know I've never found or met it... and I'm not sure if I ever will. Maybe I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic still hoping (even though I'm hopeless) that love will come, and that there is one person out there.... But in the nightmare you can feel my desperation, my deep, deep longing to be loved and to share such an intimate and intense act of love-making...

And then there are all these fears in the nightmare...
It's not that I have parents who are constantly telling me what to do, or how I should live my life. So I guess the 'mum' in the nightmare shouldn't be taken too literally. But she does represent the outside world, and my fears towards the world... my fears of disappointing people, my fears of seeing disapproval in other people's eyes... my fears of being rejected, of being judged, and of doing the 'wrong' thing.

I lay in bed after the nightmare for a while, and thought about it...
It's horrible and scary to have such intense nightmares, and even worse when you don't have any one to share it with immediately. But then, at the same time, they seem to tell you something is wrong, and that something may be changing.

I hope it's the latter.